acquainted with the stone： their commerce and long converse do not well
pass away without some such inconvenience。 I could have been glad that
of other infirmities age has to present long…lived men withal； it had
chosen some one that would have been more welcome to me； for it could not
possibly have laid upon me a disease for which； even from my infancy； I
have had so great a horror； and it is； in truth； of all the accidents of
old age； that of which I have ever been most afraid。 I have often
thought with myself that I went on too far； and that in so long a voyage
I should at last run myself into some disadvantage； I perceived； and have
often enough declared； that it was time to depart； and that life should
be cut off in the sound and living part； according to the surgeon's rule
in amputations； and that nature made him pay very strict usury who did
not in due time pay the principal。 And yet I was so far from being
ready； that in the eighteen months' time or thereabout that I have been
in this uneasy condition； I have so inured myself to it as to be content
to live on in it； and have found wherein to comfort myself； and to hope：
so much are men enslaved to their miserable being； that there is no
condition so wretched they will not accept； provided they may live！ Hear
Maecenas：
〃Debilem facito manu；
Debilem pede； coxa；
Lubricos quate dentes；
Vita dum superest； bene est。〃
＇〃Cripple my hand； foot； hip； shake out my loose teeth： while
there's life； 'tis well。〃Apud Seneca； Ep。； 101。＇
And Tamerlane； with a foolish humanity； palliated the fantastic cruelty
he exercised upon lepers； when he put all he could hear of to death； to
deliver them； as he pretended； from the painful life they lived。 For
there was not one of them who would not rather have been thrice a leper
than be not。 And Antisthenes the Stoic； being very sick； and crying out；
〃Who will deliver me from these evils？〃 Diogenes； who had come to visit
him； 〃This；〃 said he； presenting him a knife； 〃soon enough； if thou
wilt。〃〃I do not mean from my life；〃 he replied； 〃but from my
sufferings。〃 The sufferings that only attack the mind； I am not so
sensible of as most other men； and this partly out of judgment； for the
world looks upon several things as dreadful or to be avoided at the
expense of life； that are almost indifferent to me： partly； through a
dull and insensible complexion I have in accidents which do not point…
blank hit me； and that insensibility I look upon as one of the best parts
of my natural condition； but essential and corporeal pains I am very
sensible of。 And yet； having long since foreseen them； though with a
sight weak and delicate and softened with the long and happy health and
quiet that God has been pleased to give me the greatest part of my time；
I had in my imagination fancied them so insupportable； that； in truth； I
was more afraid than I have since found I had cause： by which I am still
more fortified in this belief； that most of the faculties of the soul； as
we employ them； more trouble the repose of life than they are any way
useful to it。
I am in conflict with the worst； the most sudden； the most painful； the
most mortal； and the most irremediable of all diseases； I have already
had the trial of five or six very long and very painful fits； and yet I
either flatter myself； or there is even in this state what is very well
to be endured by a man who has his soul free from the fear of death； and
of the menaces； conclusions； and consequences which physic is ever
thundering in our ears； but the effect even of pain itself is not so
sharp and intolerable as to put a man of understanding into rage and
despair。 I have at least this advantage by my stone； that what I could
not hitherto prevail upon myself to resolve upon； as to reconciling and
acquainting myself with death； it will perfect； for the more it presses
upon and importunes me； I shall be so much the less afraid to die。 I had
already gone so far as only to love life for life's sake； but my pain
will dissolve this intelligence； and God grant that in the end； should
the sharpness of it be once greater than I shall be able to bear； it does
not throw me into the other no less vicious extreme to desire and wish to
die！
〃Summum nec metuas diem； nec optes：〃
＇〃Neither to wish； nor fear to die。〃 （Or：）
〃Thou shouldest neither fear nor desire the last day。〃
Martial； x。 7。＇
they are two passions to be feared； but the one has its remedy much
nearer at hand than the other。
As to the rest； I have always found the precept that so rigorously
enjoins a resolute countenance and disdainful and indifferent comportment
in the toleration of infirmities to be ceremonial。 Why should
philosophy； which only has respect to life and effects； trouble itself
about these external appearances？ Let us leave that care to actors and
masters of rhetoric； who set so great a value upon our gestures。 Let her
allow this vocal frailty to disease； if it be neither cordial nor
stomachic； and permit the ordinary ways of expressing grief by sighs；
sobs； palpitations； and turning pale； that nature has put out of our
power； provided the courage be undaunted； and the tones not expressive
of despair； let her be satisfied。 What matter the wringing of our hands；
if we do not wring our thoughts？ She forms us for ourselves； not for
others； to be； not to seem； let her be satisfied with governing our
understanding； which she has taken upon her the care of instructing；
that； in the fury of the colic； she maintain the soul in a condition to
know itself； and to follow its accustomed way； contending with； and
enduring； not meanly truckling under pain； moved and heated； not subdued
and conquered； in the contention； capable of discourse and other things；
to a certain degree。 In such extreme accidents； 'tis cruelty to require
so exact a composedness。 'Tis no great matter that we make a wry face；
if the mind plays its part well： if the body find itself relieved by
complaining let it complain： if agitation ease it； let it tumble and toss
at pleasure； if it seem to find the disease evaporate （as some physicians
hold that it helps women in delivery） in making loud outcries； or if this
do but divert its torments； let it roar as it will。 Let us not command
this voice to sally； but stop it not。 Epicurus； not only forgives his
sage for crying out in torments； but advises him to it：
〃Pugiles etiam； quum feriunt； in jactandis caestibus
ingemiscunt； quia profundenda voce omne corpus intenditur；
venitque plaga vehementior。〃
＇〃Boxers also； when they strike； groan in the act； because with the
strength of voice the whole body is carried； and the blow comes with
the greater vehemence。〃Cicero； Tusc。 Quaes。； ii。 23。＇
We have enough to do to deal with the disease； without troubling
ourselves with these superfluous rules。
Which I say in excuse of those whom we ordinarily see impatient in the
assaults of this malady； for as to what concerns myself； I have passed it
over hitherto with a little better countenance； and contented myself with
groaning without roaring out； not； nevertheless； that I put any great
constraint upon myself to maintain this exterior decorum； for I make
little account of such an advantage： I allow herein as much as the pain
requires； but either my pains are not so excessive； or I have more than
ordinary patience。 I complain； I confess； and am a little impatient in a
very sharp fit； but I do not arrive to such a degree of despair as he who
with：
〃Ejulatu； questu； gemitu； fremitibus
Resonando； multum flebiles voces refert：〃
＇〃Howling； roaring； groaning with a thousand noises； expressing his
torment in a dismal voice。〃 （Or：） 〃Wailing； complaining； groaning；
murmuring much avail lugubrious sounds。〃Verses of Attius； in his
Phaloctetes； quoted by Cicero； De Finib。； ii。 29； Tusc。 Quaes。；
ii。 14。＇
I try myself in the depth of my suffering； and have always found that I
was in a capacity to speak； think； and give a rational answer as well as
at any other time； but not so firmly； being troubled and interrupted by
the pain。 When I am looked upon by my visitors to be in the greatest
torment； and that they therefore forbear to trouble me； I often essay my
own strength； and myself set some discourse on foot； the most remote I
can contrive from my present condition。 I can do anything upon a sudden
endeavour； but it must not continue long。 Oh； what pity 'tis I have not
the faculty of that dreamer in Cicero； who dreaming he was lying with a
wench； found he had discharged his stone in the sheets。 My pains
strangely deaden my appetite that way。 In the intervals from this
excessive torment； when my ureters only languish without any great dolor；
I presently feel myself in my wonted state； forasmuch as my soul takes no
other alarm but what is sensible and corporal； which I certainly owe to
the care I have had of preparing myself by meditation against such