appeals to Jones？ Then again； take Tomlinson： he lives； as you are
well aware； at Forest Gate which is Epping way； and entertains you on
Kakemonos whenever you call upon him。 You know what I mean； of
course。 I think 'Kakemono' is right。 They are long things； they
look like coloured hieroglyphics printed on brown paper。 He gets
behind them and holds them up above his head on the end of a stick so
that you can see the whole of them at once； and he tells you the name
of the Japanese artist who painted them in the year 1500 B。C。； and
what it is all about。 He shows them to you by the hour and forgets
to give you dinner。 There isn't an easy chair in the house。 To put
it vulgarly； what is wrong with Tomlinson from a high art point of
view？
〃There's a man I know who lives in Birmingham： you must have heard
of him。 He is the great collector of Eighteenth Century caricatures；
the Rowlandson and Gilray school of things。 I don't call them
artistic myself； they make me ill to look at them； but people who
understand Art rave about them。 Why can't a man be artistic who has
got a cottage in the country？〃
〃You don't understand me；〃 retorted my critical friend； a little
irritably； as I thought。
〃I admit it；〃 I returned。 〃It is what I am trying to do。〃
〃Of course artistic people live in the suburbs；〃 he admitted。 〃But
they are not of the suburbs。〃
〃Though they may dwell in Wimbledon or Hornsey；〃 I suggested； 〃they
sing with the Scotch bard： 'My heart is in the South…West postal
district。 My heart is not here。'〃
〃You can put it that way if you like；〃 he growled。
〃I will； if you have no objection；〃 I agreed。 〃It makes life easier
for those of us with limited incomes。〃
The modern novel takes care； however； to avoid all doubt upon the
subject。 Its personages； one and all； reside within the half…mile
square lying between Bond Street and the Parka neighbourhood that
would appear to be somewhat densely populated。 True； a year or two
ago there appeared a fairly successful novel the heroine of which
resided in Onslow Gardens。 An eminent critic observed of it that：
〃It fell short only by a little way of being a serious contribution
to English literature。〃 Consultation with the keeper of the cabman's
shelter at Hyde Park Corner suggested to me that the 〃little way〃 the
critic had in mind measures exactly eleven hundred yards。 When the
nobility and gentry of the modern novel do leave London they do not
go into the provinces： to do that would be vulgar。 They make
straight for 〃Barchester Towers；〃 or what the Duke calls 〃his little
place up north〃localities； one presumes； suspended somewhere in
mid…air。
In every social circle exist great souls with yearnings towards
higher things。 Even among the labouring classes one meets with
naturally refined natures； gentlemanly persons to whom the loom and
the plough will always appear low； whose natural desire is towards
the dignities and graces of the servants' hall。 So in Grub Street we
can always reckon upon the superior writer whose temperament will
prompt him to make respectful study of his betters。 A reasonable
supply of high…class novels might always have been depended upon； the
trouble is that the public now demands that all stories must be of
the upper ten thousand。 Auld Robin Grey must be Sir Robert Grey；
South African millionaire； and Jamie； the youngest son of the old
Earl； otherwise a cultured public can take no interest in the ballad。
A modern nursery rhymester to succeed would have to write of Little
Lord Jack and Lady Jill ascending one of the many beautiful eminences
belonging to the ancestral estates of their parents； bearing between
them； on a silver rod； an exquisitely painted Sevres vase filled with
ottar of roses。
I take up my fourpenny…halfpenny magazine。 The heroine is a youthful
Duchess； her husband gambles with thousand…pound notes； with the
result that they are reduced to living on the first floor of the
Carlton Hotel。 The villain is a Russian Prince。 The Baronet of a
simpler age has been unable； poor fellow； to keep pace with the
times。 What self…respecting heroine would abandon her husband and
children for sin and a paltry five thousand a year？ To the heroine
of the pastto the clergyman's daughter or the lady artisthe was
dangerous。 The modern heroine misbehaves herself with nothing below
Cabinet rank。
I turn to something less pretentious； a weekly periodical that my
wife tells me is the best authority she has come across on blouses。
I find in it what once upon a time would have been called a farce。
It is now a 〃drawing…room comedietta。 All rights reserved。〃 The
dramatis personae consist of the Earl of Danbury； the Marquis of
Rottenborough （with a past）； and an American heiressa character
that nowadays takes with lovers of the simple the place formerly
occupied by 〃Rose； the miller's daughter。〃
I sometimes wonder； is it such teaching as that of Carlyle and
Tennyson that is responsible for this present tendency of literature？
Carlyle impressed upon us that the only history worth consideration
was the life of great men and women； and Tennyson that we 〃needs must
love the highest。〃 So literature； striving ever upward； ignores
plain Romola for the Lady Ponsonby de Tompkins； the provincialisms of
a Charlotte Bronte for what a certain critic； born before his time；
would have called the 〃doin's of the hupper succles。〃
The British Drama has advanced by even greater bounds。 It takes
place now exclusively within castle walls； andwhat Messrs。 Lumley &
Co。's circular would describe as〃desirable town mansions； suitable
for gentlemen of means。〃 A living dramatist； who should know； tells
us that drama does not occur in the back parlour。 Dramatists have；
it has been argued； occasionally found it there； but such may have
been dramatists with eyes capable of seeing through clothes。
I once wrote a play which I read to a distinguished Manager。 He said
it was a most interesting play： they always say that。 I waited；
wondering to what other manager he would recommend me to take it。 To
my surprise he told me he would like it for himselfbut with
alterations。
〃The whole thing wants lifting up；〃 was his opinion。 〃Your hero is a
barrister： my public take no interest in plain barristers。 Make him
the Solicitor General。〃
〃But he's got to be amusing；〃 I argued。 〃A Solicitor General is
never amusing。〃
My Manager pondered for a moment。 〃Let him be Solicitor General for
Ireland；〃 he suggested。
I made a note of it。
〃Your heroine；〃 he continued； 〃is the daughter of a seaside lodging…
house keeper。 My public do not recognize seaside lodgings。 Why not
the daughter of an hotel proprietor？ Even that will be risky； but we
might venture it。〃 An inspiration came to him。 〃Or better still；
let the old man be the Managing Director of an hotel Trust： that
would account for her clothes。〃
Unfortunately I put the thing aside for a few months； and when I was
ready again the public taste had still further advanced。 The doors
of the British Drama were closed for the time being on all but
members of the aristocracy； and I did not see my comic old man as a
Marquis； which was the lowest title that just then one dared to offer
to a low comedian。
Now how are we middle…class novelists and dramatists to continue to
live？ I am aware of the obvious retort； but to us it absolutely is
necessary。 We know only parlours： we call them drawing…rooms。 At
the bottom of our middle…class hearts we regard them fondly： the
folding…doors thrown back； they make rather a fine apartment。 The
only drama that we know takes place in such rooms： the hero sitting
in the gentleman's easy chair； of green repp： the heroine in the
lady's ditto； without armsthe chair； I mean。 The scornful glances；
the bitter words of our middle…class world are hurled across these
three…legged loo…tables； the wedding…cake ornament under its glass
case playing the part of white ghost。
In these days； when 〃Imperial cement〃 is at a premium； who would dare
suggest that the emotions of a parlour can by any possibility be the
same as those exhibited in a salon furnished in the style of Louis
Quatorze； that the tears of Bayswater can possibly be compared for
saltness with the lachrymal fluid distilled from South Audley Street
glands； that the laughter of Clapham can be as catching as the
cultured cackle of Curzon Street？ But we； whose best clothes are
exhibited only in parlours； what are we to do？ How can we lay bare
the souls of Duchesses； explain the heart…throbs of peers of the
realm？ Some of my friends who； being Conservative； attend Primrose
〃tourneys〃 （or is it 〃Courts of love〃？ I speak as an outsider。
Something mediaeval； I know it is） do； it is true； occasionally
converse with titled ladies。 But the period for conversation is
always limited owing to the impatience of the man behind； and I doubt
if the interview is ever of much practical use to them； as conveying
knowledge of the workings of the aristocratic mind。 Those of us