intended to be serious or comic I had never been able to make up my
mind。 The way she gives it confers upon it all the disadvantages of
both。 It is chiefly concerned with an angel and a child。 But a dog
comes into it about the middle； and from that point onward it is
impossible to tell who is talkingsometimes you think it is the
angel； and then it sounds more like the dog。 The child is the
easiest to follow： it talks all the time through its nose。 If I
have heard that recitation once I have heard it fifty times； and now
she is busy learning an encore。
＇And all the World had Sense！＇
〃What hurts me most；〃 he went on； 〃is having to watch her making
herself ridiculous。 Yet what am I to do？ If I explain things to her
she will be miserable and ashamed of herself； added to which her
franknessperhaps her greatest charmwill be murdered。 The trouble
runs through everything。 She won't take my advice about her frocks。
She laughs； and repeats to mewell； the lies that other women tell a
girl who is spoiling herself by dressing absurdly； especially when
she is a pretty girl and they are anxious she should go on spoiling
herself。 She bought a hat last week； one day when I was not with
her。 It only wants the candles to look like a Christmas tree。 They
insist on her taking it off so they may examine it more closely； with
the idea of having one built like it for themselves； and she sits by
delighted； and explains to them the secret of the thing。 We get to
parties half an hour before the opening time； she is afraid of being
a minute late。 They have told her that the party can't begin without
herisn't worth calling a party till she's there。 We are always the
last to go。 The other people don't matter； but if she goes they will
feel the whole thing has been a failure。 She is dead for want of
sleep； and they are sick and tired of us； but if I look at my watch
they talk as if their hearts were breaking； and she thinks me a brute
for wanting to leave friends so passionately attached to us。
〃Why do we all play this silly game； what is the sense of it？〃 he
wanted to know。
I could not tell him。
CHAPTER VI
＇Fire and the Foreigner。＇
They are odd folk； these foreigners。 There are moments of despair
when I almost give them upfeel I don't care what becomes of them
feel as if I could let them muddle on in their own waywash my hands
of them； so to speak； and attend exclusively to my own business： we
all have our days of feebleness。 They will sit outside a cafe on a
freezing night； with an east wind blowing； and play dominoes。 They
will stand outside a tramcar； rushing through the icy air at fifteen
miles an hour； and refuse to go inside； even to oblige a lady。 Yet
in railway carriages； in which you could grill a bloater by the
simple process of laying it underneath the seat； they will insist on
the window being closed； light cigars to keep their noses warm； and
sit with the collars of their fur coats buttoned up around their
necks。
In their houses they keep the double windows hermetically sealed for
three or four months at a time： and the hot air quivering about the
stoves scorches your face if you venture nearer to it than a yard。
Travel can broaden the mind。 It can also suggest to the Britisher
that in some respects his countrymen are nothing near so silly as
they are supposed to be。 There was a time when I used to sit with my
legs stretched out before the English coal fire and listen with
respectful attention while people who I thought knew all about it
explained to me how wicked and how wasteful were our methods。
All the heat from that fire； they told me； was going up the chimney。
I did not like to answer them that notwithstanding I felt warm and
cosy。 I feared it might be merely British stupidity that kept me
warm and cosy； not the fire at all。 How could it be the fire？ The
heat from the fire was going up the chimney。 It was the glow of
ignorance that was making my toes tingle。 Besides； if by sitting
close in front of the fire and looking hard at it； I did contrive； by
hypnotic suggestion； maybe； to fancy myself warm； what should I feel
like at the other end of the room？
It seemed like begging the question to reply that I had no particular
use for the other end of the room； that generally speaking there was
room enough about the fire for all the people I really cared for；
that sitting altogether round the fire seemed quite as sensible as
sulking by one's self in a corner the other end of the room； that the
fire made a cheerful and convenient focus for family and friends。
They pointed out to me how a stove； blocking up the centre of the
room； with a dingy looking fluepipe wandering round the ceiling；
would enable us to sit ranged round the walls； like patients in a
hospital waiting…room； and use up coke and potato…peelings。
Since then I have had practical experience of the scientific stove。
I want the old…fashioned； unsanitary； wasteful； illogical； open
fireplace。 I want the heat to go up the chimney； instead of stopping
in the room and giving me a headache； and making everything go round。
When I come in out of the snow I want to see a firesomething that
says to me with a cheerful crackle； 〃Hallo； old man； cold outside；
isn't it？ Come and sit down。 Come quite close and warm your hands。
That's right； put your foot under him and persuade him to move a yard
or two。 That's all he's been doing for the last hour； lying there
roasting himself； lazy little devil。 He'll get softening of the
spine； that's what will happen to him。 Put your toes on the fender。
The tea will be here in a minute。〃
＇My British Stupidity。＇
I want something that I can toast my back against； while standing
with coat tails tucked up and my hands in my pockets； explaining
things to people。 I don't want a comfortless； staring； white thing；
in a corner of the room； behind the sofaa thing that looks and
smells like a family tomb。 It may be hygienic； and it may be hot；
but it does not seem to do me any good。 It has its advantages： it
contains a cupboard into which you can put things to dry。 You can
also forget them； and leave them there。 Then people complain of a
smell of burning； and hope the house is not on fire； and you ease
their mind by explaining to them that it is probably only your boots。
Complicated internal arrangements are worked by a key。 If you put on
too much fuel； and do not work this key properly； the thing explodes。
And if you do not put on any coal at all and the fire goes out
suddenly； then likewise it explodes。 That is the only way it knows
of calling attention to itself。 On the Continent you know when the
fire wants seeing to merely by listening：
〃Sounded like the dining…room； that last explosion；〃 somebody
remarks。
〃I think not；〃 observes another； 〃I distinctly felt the shock behind
memy bedroom； I expect。〃
Bits of ceiling begin to fall； and you notice that the mirror over
the sideboard is slowly coming towards you。
〃Why it must be this stove；〃 you say； 〃curious how difficult it is to
locate sound。〃
You snatch up the children and hurry out of the room。 After a while；
when things have settled down； you venture to look in again。 Maybe
it was only a mild explosion。 A ten…pound note and a couple of
plumbers in the house for a week will put things right again。 They
tell me they are economical； these German stoves； but you have got to
understand them。 I think I have learnt the trick of them at last：
and I don't suppose； all told； it has cost me more than fifty pounds。
And now I am trying to teach the rest of the family。 What I complain
about the family is that they do not seem anxious to learn。
〃You do it；〃 they say； pressing the coal scoop into my hand： 〃it
makes us nervous。〃
It is a pretty； patriarchal idea： I stand between the trusting；
admiring family and these explosive stoves that are the terror of
their lives。 They gather round me in a group and watch me； the
capable； all…knowing Head who fears no foreign stove。 But there are
days when I get tired of going round making up fires。
Nor is it sufficient to understand only one particular stove。 The
practical foreigner prides himself upon having various stoves；
adapted to various work。 Hitherto I have been speaking only of the
stove supposed to be best suited to reception rooms and bedrooms。
The hall is provided with another sort of stove altogether： an iron
stove this； that turns up its nose at coke and potato…peelings。 If
you give it anything else but the best coal it explodes。 It is like
living surrounded by peppery old colonels； trying to pass a peaceful
winter among these passionate stoves。 There is a stove in the
kitchen to be used only for roasting： this one will not look at
anything else but wood。 Give it a bit of coal； meaning to be kind；
and before you are out of the room it has exploded。
Then there is a trick stove specially popular in Belgium。 It has a
little door at the top and another little door at the bottom； and
looks like a pepper…caster。