the uncommercial traveller- 第92部分

and　vain　and　daring　class；　could　not　construct　a　tolerable　sentence

in　his　native　tongue　or　pen　a　fair　letter。　　This　inspired

individual　called　me　to　order　roundly；　and　knew　in　the　freest　and

easiest　way　where　I　was　going　to；　and　what　would　become　of　me　if　I

failed　to　fashion　myself　on　his　bright　example；　and　was　on　terms　of

blasphemous　confidence　with　the　Heavenly　Host。　　He　was　in　the

secrets　of　my　heart；　and　in　the　lowest　soundings　of　my　soul　…　he！　…

and　could　read　the　depths　of　my　nature　better　than　his　A　B　C；　and

could　turn　me　inside　out；　like　his　own　clammy　glove。　　But　what　is

far　more　extraordinary　than　this　…　for　such　dirty　water　as　this

could　alone　be　drawn　from　such　a　shallow　and　muddy　source　…　I　found

from　the　information　of　a　beneficed　clergyman；　of　whom　I　never

heard　and　whom　I　never　saw；　that　I　had　not；　as　I　rather　supposed　I

had；　lived　a　life　of　some　reading；　contemplation；　and　inquiry；　that

I　had　not　studied；　as　I　rather　supposed　I　had；　to　inculcate　some

Christian　lessons　in　books；　that　I　had　never　tried；　as　I　rather

supposed　I　had；　to　turn　a　child　or　two　tenderly　towards　the

knowledge　and　love　of　our　Saviour；　that　I　had　never　had；　as　I

rather　supposed　I　had　had；　departed　friends；　or　stood　beside　open

graves；　but　that　I　had　lived　a　life　of　'uninterrupted　prosperity；'

and　that　I　needed　this　'check；　overmuch；'　and　that　the　way　to　turn

it　to　account　was　to　read　these　sermons　and　these　poems；　enclosed；

and　written　and　issued　by　my　correspondent！　　I　beg　it　may　be

understood　that　I　relate　facts　of　my　own　uncommercial　experience；

and　no　vain　imaginings。　　The　documents　in　proof　lie　near　my　hand。



Another　odd　entry　on　the　fly…leaf；　of　a　more　entertaining

character；　was　the　wonderful　persistency　with　which　kind

sympathisers　assumed　that　I　had　injuriously　coupled　with　the　so

suddenly　relinquished　pursuit；　those　personal　habits　of　mine　most

obviously　incompatible　with　it；　and　most　plainly　impossible　of

being　maintained；　along　with　it。　　As；　all　that　exercise；　all　that

cold　bathing；　all　that　wind　and　weather；　all　that　uphill　training　…

all　that　everything　else；　say；　which　is　usually　carried　about　by

express　trains　in　a　portmanteau　and　hat…box；　and　partaken　of　under

a　flaming　row　of　gas…lights　in　the　company　of　two　thousand　people。

This　assuming　of　a　whole　case　against　all　fact　and　likelihood；

struck　me　as　particularly　droll；　and　was　an　oddity　of　which　I

certainly　had　had　no　adequate　experience　in　life　until　I　turned

that　curious　fly…leaf。



My　old　acquaintances　the　begging…letter　writers　came　out　on　the

fly…leaf；　very　piously　indeed。　　They　were　glad；　at　such　a　serious

crisis；　to　afford　me　another　opportunity　of　sending　that　Post…

office　order。　　I　needn't　make　it　a　pound；　as　previously　insisted

on；　ten　shillings　might　ease　my　mind。　　And　Heaven　forbid　that　they

should　refuse；　at　such　an　insignificant　figure；　to　take　a　weight

off　the　memory　of　an　erring　fellow…creature！　　One　gentleman；　of　an

artistic　turn　（and　copiously　illustrating　the　books　of　the

Mendicity　Society）；　thought　it　might　soothe　my　conscience；　in　the

tender　respect　of　gifts　misused；　if　I　would　immediately　cash　up　in

aid　of　his　lowly　talent　for　original　design　…　as　a　specimen　of

which　he　enclosed　me　a　work　of　art　which　I　recognized　as　a　tracing

from　a　woodcut　originally　published　in　the　late　Mrs。　Trollope's

book　on　America；　forty　or　fifty　years　ago。　　The　number　of　people

who　were　prepared　to　live　long　years　after　me；　untiring　benefactors

to　their　species；　for　fifty　pounds　apiece　down；　was　astonishing。

Also；　of　those　who　wanted　bank…notes　for　stiff　penitential　amounts；

to　give　away：…　not　to　keep；　on　any　account。



Divers　wonderful　medicines　and　machines　insinuated　recommendations

of　themselves　into　the　fly…leaf　that　was　to　have　been　so　blank。　　It

was　specially　observable　that　every　prescriber；　whether　in　a　moral

or　physical　direction；　knew　me　thoroughly　…　knew　me　from　head　to

heel；　in　and　out；　through　and　through；　upside　down。　　I　was　a　glass

piece　of　general　property；　and　everybody　was　on　the　most

surprisingly　intimate　terms　with　me。　　A　few　public　institutions　had

complimentary　perceptions　of　corners　in　my　mind；　of　which；　after

considerable　self…examination；　I　have　not　discovered　any

indication。　　Neat　little　printed　forms　were　addressed　to　those

corners；　beginning　with　the　words：　　'I　give　and　bequeath。'



Will　it　seem　exaggerative　to　state　my　belief　that　the　most　honest；

the　most　modest；　and　the　least　vain…glorious　of　all　the　records

upon　this　strange　fly…leaf；　was　a　letter　from　the　self…deceived

discoverer　of　the　recondite　secret　'how　to　live　four　or　five

hundred　years'？　　Doubtless　it　will　seem　so；　yet　the　statement　is

not　exaggerative　by　any　means；　but　is　made　in　my　serious　and

sincere　conviction。　　With　this；　and　with　a　laugh　at　the　rest　that

shall　not　be　cynical；　I　turn　the　Fly…leaf；　and　go　on　again。







CHAPTER　XXXVII　…　A　PLEA　FOR　TOTAL　ABSTINENCE







One　day　this　last　Whitsuntide；　at　precisely　eleven　o'clock　in　the

forenoon；　there　suddenly　rode　into　the　field　of　view　commanded　by

the　windows　of　my　lodging　an　equestrian　phenomenon。　　It　was　a

fellow…creature　on　horseback；　dressed　in　the　absurdest　manner。　　The

fellow…creature　wore　high　boots；　some　other　（and　much　larger）

fellow…creature's　breeches；　of　a　slack…baked　doughy　colour　and　a

baggy　form；　a　blue　shirt；　whereof　the　skirt；　or　tail；　was　puffily

tucked　into　the　waist…band　of　the　said　breeches；　no　coat；　a　red

shoulder…belt；　and　a　demi…semi…military　scarlet　hat；　with　a

feathered　ornament　in　front；　which；　to　the　uninstructed　human

vision；　had　the　appearance　of　a　moulting　shuttlecock。　　I　laid　down

the　newspaper　with　which　I　had　been　occupied；　and　surveyed　the

fellow…man　in　question　with　astonishment。　　Whether　he　had　been

sitting　to　any　painter　as　a　frontispiece　for　a　new　edition　of

'Sartor　Resartus；'　whether　'the　husk　or　shell　of　him；'　as　the

esteemed　Herr　Teufelsdroch　might　put　it；　were　founded　on　a　jockey；

on　a　circus；　on　General　Garibaldi；　on　cheap　porcelain；　on　a　toy

shop；　on　Guy　Fawkes；　on　waxwork；　on　gold…digging；　on　Bedlam；　or　on

all；　…　were　doubts　that　greatly　exercised　my　mind。　　Meanwhile；　my

fellow…man　stumbled　and　slided；　excessively　against　his　will；　on

the　slippery　stones　of　my　Covent…garden　street；　and　elicited

shrieks　from　several　sympathetic　females；　by　convulsively

restraining　himself　from　pitching　over　his　horse's　head。　　In　the

very　crisis　of　these　evolutions；　and　indeed　at　the　trying　moment

when　his　charger's　tail　was　in　a　tobacconist's　shop；　and　his　head

anywhere　about　town；　this　cavalier　was　joined　by　two　similar

portents；　who；　likewise　stumbling　and　sliding；　caused　him　to

stumble　and　slide　the　more　distressingly。　　At　length　this　Gilpinian

triumvirate　effected　a　halt；　and；　looking　northward；　waved　their

three　right　hands　as　commanding　unseen　troops；　to　'Up；　guards！　and

at　'em。'　　Hereupon　a　brazen　band　burst　forth；　which　caused　them　to

be　instantly　bolted　with　to　some　remote　spot　of　earth　in　the

direction　of　the　Surrey　Hills。



Judging　from　these　appearances　that　a　procession　was　under　way；　I

threw　up　my　window；　and；　craning　out；　had　the　satisfaction　of

beholding　it　advancing　along　the　streets。　　It　was　a　Teetotal

procession；　as　I　learnt　from　its　banners；　and　was　long　enough　to

consume　twenty　minutes　in　passing。　　There　were　a　great　number　of

children　in　it；　some　of　them　so　very　young　in　their　mothers'　arms

as　to　be　in　the　act　of　practically　exemplifying　their　abstinence

from　fermented　liquors；　and　attachment　to　an　unintoxicating　drink；

while　the　procession　defiled。　　The　display　was；　on　the　whole；

pleasant　to　see；　as　any　good…humoured　holiday　assemblage　of　clean；

cheerful；　and　well…conducted　people　should　be。　　It　was　bright　with

ribbons；　tinsel；　and　shoulder…belts；　and　abounded　in　flowers；　as　if

those　latter　trophies　had　come　up　in　profusion　under　much　watering。

The　day　being　breezy；　the　insubordination　of　the　large　banners　was

very　reprehensible。　　Each　of　these　being　borne　aloft　on　two　poles

and　stayed　with　some　half…dozen　lines；　was　carried；　as　polite　books

in　the　last　century　used　to　be　written；　by　'various　hands；'　and　the

anxiety　expressed　in　the　upturned　faces　of　those　officers；　…

something　between　the　anxiety　attendant　on　the　balancing　art；　and

that　inseparable　from　the　pastime　of　kite…flying；　with　a　touch　of

the　angler's　quality　in　landing　his　scaly　prey；　…　much　impressed

me。　　Suddenly；　too；　a　banner　would　shiver　in　the　wind；　and　go　about

in　the　most　inconvenient　manner。　　This　always　happened　oftenest

with　such　gorgeous　standards　as　those　representing　a　gentleman　in

black；　corpulent　with　tea　and　water；　in　the　laudable　act　of

summarily　reforming　a　family；　feeble　and　pinched　with　beer。　　The

gentleman　in　black　distended　by　wind　would　then　conduct　himself

with　the　most　unbecoming　levity；　while　the　beery　family；　growing

beerier；　would　frantically　try　to　tear　themselves　awa