dismal present。
All John Reed's violent tyrannies； all his sisters' proud
indifference； all his mother's aversion； all the servants' partiality；
turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well。
Why was I always suffering； always browbeaten； always accused； for
ever condemned？ Why could I never please？ Why was it useless to try to
win any one's favour？ Eliza； who； was headstrong and selfish； was
respected。 Georgiana； who had a spoiled temper； a very acrid spite；
a captious and insolent carriage； was universally indulged。 Her
beauty； her pink cheeks and golden curls； seemed to give delight to
all who； looked at her； and to purchase indemnity for every fault。
John no one thwarted； much less punished； though he twisted the
necks of the pigeons； killed the little pea…chicks； set the dogs at
the sheep； stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit； and broke the
buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory： he called his mother
'old girl；' too； sometimes reviled her for her dark skin； similar to
his own； bluntly disregarded her wishes； not unfrequently tore and
spoiled her silk attire； and he was still 'her own darling。' I dared
commit no fault： I strove to fulfil every duty； and I was termed
naughty and tiresome； sullen and sneaking； from morning to noon； and
from noon to night。
My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received：
no one had reproved John for wantonly striking me； and because I had
turned against him to avert farther irrational violence； I was
loaded with general opprobrium。
'Unjust！… unjust！' said my reason； forced by the agonising stimulus
into precocious though transitory power： and Resolve； equally
wrought up； instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from
insupportable oppression… as running away； or； if that could not be
effected； never eating or drinking more； and letting myself die。
What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon！ How
all my brain was in tumult； and all my heart in insurrection！ Yet in
what darkness； what dense ignorance； was the mental battle fought！ I
could not answer the ceaseless inward question… why I thus suffered；
now； at the distance of… I will not say how many years； I see it
clearly。
I was a discord in Gateshead Hall： I was like nobody there； I had
nothing in harmony with Mrs。 Reed or her children； or her chosen
vassalage。 If they did not love me； in fact； as little did I love
them。 They were not bound to regard with affection a thing that
could not sympathise with one amongst them； a heterogeneous thing；
opposed to them in temperament； in capacity； in propensities； a
useless thing； incapable of serving their interest； or adding to their
pleasure； a noxious thing； cherishing the germs of indignation at
their treatment； of contempt of their judgment。 I know that had I been
a sanguine； brilliant； careless； exacting； handsome； romping child…
though equally dependent and friendless… Mrs。 Reed would have
endured my presence more complacently； her children would have
entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow…feeling； the
servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the
nursery。
Daylight began to forsake the red…room； it was past four o'clock；
and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight。 I heard the
rain still beating continuously on the staircase window； and the
wind howling in the grove behind the hall； I grew by degrees cold as a
stone； and then my courage sank。 My habitual mood of humiliation；
self…doubt； forlorn depression； fell damp on the embers of my decaying
ire。 All said I was wicked； and perhaps I might be so； what thought
had I been but just conceiving of starving myself to death？ That
certainly was a crime： and was I fit to die？ Or was the vault under
the chancel of Gateshead Church an inviting bourne？ In such vault I
had been told did Mr。 Reed lie buried； and led by this thought to
recall his idea； I dwelt on it with gathering dread。 I could not
remember him； but I knew that he was my own uncle… my mother's
brother… that he had taken me when a parentless infant to his house；
and that in his last moments he had required a promise of Mrs。 Reed
that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children。 Mrs。
Reed probably considered she had kept this promise； and so she had；
I dare say； as well as her nature would permit her； but how could
she really like an interloper not of her race； and unconnected with
her； after her husband's death； by any tie？ It must have been most
irksome to find herself bound by a hard…wrung pledge to stand in the
stead of a parent to a strange child she could not love； and to see an
uncongenial alien permanently intruded on her own family group。
A singular notion dawned upon me。 I doubted not… never doubted…
that if Mr。 Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly； and
now； as I sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls…
occasionally also turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly
gleaming mirror… I began to recall what I had heard of dead men；
troubled in their graves by the violation of their last wishes；
revisiting the earth to punish the perjured and avenge the
oppressed； and I thought Mr。 Reed's spirit； harassed by the wrongs
of his sister's child； might quit its abode… whether in the church
vault or in the unknown world of the departed… and rise before me in
this chamber。 I wiped my tears and hushed my sobs； fearful lest any
sign of violent grief might waken a preternatural voice to comfort me；
or elicit from the gloom some haloed face； bending over me with
strange pity。 This idea； consolatory in theory； I felt would be
terrible if realised： with all my might I endeavoured to stifle it…
I endeavoured to be firm。 Shaking my hair from my eyes； I lifted my
head and tried to look boldly round the dark room； at this moment a
light gleamed on the wall。 Was it； I asked myself； a ray from the moon
penetrating some aperture in the blind？ No； moonlight was still； and
this stirred； while I gazed； it glided up to the ceiling and
quivered over my head。 I can now conjecture readily that this streak
of light was； in all likelihood； a gleam from a lantern carried by
some one across the lawn： but then； prepared as my mind was for
horror； shaken as my nerves were by agitation； I thought the swift
darting beam was a herald of some coming vision from another world。 My
heart beat thick； my head grew hot； a sound filled my ears； which I
deemed the rushing of wings； something seemed near me； I was
oppressed； suffocated： endurance broke down； I rushed to the door
and shook the lock in desperate effort。 Steps came running along the
outer passage； the key turned； Bessie and Abbot entered。
'Miss Eyre； are you ill？' said Bessie。
'What a dreadful noise！ it went quite through me！' exclaimed Abbot。
'Take me out！ Let me go into the nursery！' was my cry。
'What for？ Are you hurt？ Have you seen something？' again demanded
Bessie。
'Oh！ I saw a light； and I thought a ghost would come。' I had now
got hold of Bessie's hand； and she did not snatch it from me。
'She has screamed out on purpose；' declared Abbot； in some disgust。
'And what a scream！ If she had been in great pain one would have
excused it； but she only wanted to bring us all here： I know her
naughty tricks。'
'What is all this？' demanded another voice peremptorily； and Mrs。
Reed came along the corridor； her cap flying wide； her gown rustling
stormily。 'Abbot and Bessie； I believe I gave orders that Jane Eyre
should be left in the red…room till I came to her myself。'
'Miss Jane screamed so loud； ma'am；' pleaded Bessie。
'Let her go；' was the only answer。 'Loose Bessie's hand； child： you
cannot succeed in getting out by these means； be assured。 I abhor
artifice； particularly in children； it is my duty to show you that
tricks will not answer： you will now stay here an hour longer； and
it is only on condition of perfect submission and stillness that I
shall liberate you then。'
'O aunt！ have pity！ forgive me！ I cannot endure it… let me be
punished some other way！ I shall be killed if…'
'Silence！ This violence is all most repulsive：' and so； no doubt；
she felt it。 I was a precocious actress in her eyes； she sincerely。
looked on me as a compound of virulent passions； mean spirit； and
dangerous duplicity。
Bessie and Abbot having retreated； Mrs。 Reed； impatient of my now
frantic anguish and wild sobs； abruptly thrust me back and locked me
in； without farther parley。 I heard her sweeping away； and soon
after she was gone； I suppose I had a species of fit：
unconsciousness closed the scene。
CHAPTER III
THE next thing I remember is； waking up with a feeling as if I
had had a frightful nightmare； and seeing before me a terrible red
glare； crossed with thick black bars。 I heard voices； too； speaking
with a hollow sound； and as if muffled by a rush of wind or water：
agitation； uncertainty； and an all…predominating sense of terror
confused my faculties。 Ere long