al knowledge doesn't work if you look in a mirror。 This bizarre fact is； as far as I know； unexplained。 Personally； I always thought there was a clue from puter programming； in a procedure called recursion。 Recursion means making the program loop back on itself； to use its own information to do things over and over until it gets a result。 You use recursion for certain data…sorting algorithms and things like that。 But it's got to be done carefully； or you risk having the machine fall into what is called an infinite regress。 It's the programming equivalent of those funhouse mirrors that reflect mirrors； and mirrors； ever smaller and smaller； stretching away to infinity。 The program keeps going； repeating and repeating； but nothing happens。 The machine hangs。
I always figured something similar must happen when people turn their psychological insight…apparatus on themselves。 The brain hangs。 The thought process goes and goes； but it doesn't get anywhere。 It must be something like that； because we know that people can think about themselves indefinitely。 Some people think of little else。 Yet people never seem to change as a result of their intensive introspection。 They never understand themselves better。 It's very rare to find genuine self…knowledge。
It's almost as if you need someone else to tell you who you are； or to hold up the mirror for you。 Which； if you think about it； is very weird。
Or maybe it's not。
There's an old question in artificial intelligence about whether a program can ever be aware of itself。 Most programmers will say it was impossible。 People have tried to do it； and failed。 But there's a more fundamental version of the question； a philosophical question about whether any machine can understand its own workings。 Some people say that's impossible； too。 The machine can't know itself for the same reason you can't bite your own teeth。 And it certainly seems to be impossible： the human brain is the most plicated structure in the known universe； but brains still know very little about themselves。 For the last thirty years； such questions have been fun to kick around with a beer on Friday afternoons after work。 They were never taken seriously。 But lately these philosophical questions have taken on new importance because there has been rapid progress in reproducing certain brain functions。 Not the entire brain； just certain functions。 For example； before I was fired； my development team was using multi…agent processing to enable puters to learn； to recognize patterns in data； to understand natural languages； to prioritize and switch tasks。 What was important about the programs was that the machines literally learned。 They got better at their jobs with experience。 Which is more than some human beings can claim。 The phone rang。 It was Ellen。 〃Did you call your lawyer？〃
〃Not yet。 For Christ's sake。〃
〃I'm on the 2：10 to San Jose。 I'll see you around five at your house。〃
〃Listen； Ellen； it really isn't necessary…〃
〃I know that。 I'm just getting out of town。 I need a break。 See you soon； Jack。〃 And she hung up。
So now she was handling me。
In any case； I figured there was no point in calling a lawyer today。 I had too much to do。 The dry cleaning had to be picked up； so I did that。 There was a Starbucks across the street； and I went over to get a latte to take with me。
And there was Gary Marder； my attorney； with a very young blonde in low…cut jeans and crop top that left her belly exposed。 They were nuzzling each other in the checkout line。 She didn't look much older than a college student。 I was embarrassed and was turning to leave when Gary saw me； and waved。
〃Hey； Jack。〃
〃Hi； Gary。〃
He held out his hand； and I shook it。 He said； 〃Say hello to Melissa。〃
I said； 〃Hi； Melissa。〃
〃Oh hi。〃 She seemed vaguely annoyed at this interruption； although I couldn't be sure。 She had that vacant look some young girls get around men。 It occurred to me that she couldn't be more than six years older than Nicole。 What was she doing with a guy like Gary？ 〃So。 How's it going； Jack？〃 Gary said； slipping his arm around Melissa's bare waist。
〃Okay；〃 I said。 〃Pretty good。〃
〃Yeah？ That's good。〃 But he was frowning at me。
〃Well； uh； yeah 。。。〃 I stood there； hesitating； feeling foolish in front of the girl。 She clearly wanted me to leave。 But I was thinking of what Ellen would say： You ran into your lawyer and you didn't even ask him？
So I said； 〃Gary； could I speak to you for a minute？〃
〃Of course。〃 He gave the girl money to pay for the coffee； and we stepped to one side of the room。
I lowered my voice。 〃Listen； Gary；〃 I said； 〃I think I need to see a divorce lawyer。〃
〃Because what？〃
〃Because I think Julia is having an affair。〃
〃You think？ Or you know for a fact？〃
〃No。 I don't know for sure。〃
〃So you just suspect it？〃
〃Yes。〃
Gary sighed。 He gave me a look。
I said； 〃And there's other things going on； too。 She's starting to say that I am turning the kids against her。〃
〃Alienation of affection；〃 he said； nodding。 〃Legal cliché du jour。 She makes these statements when？〃
〃When we have fights。〃
Another sigh。 〃Jack； couples say all kinds of shit when they fight。 It doesn't necessarily mean anything。〃
〃I think it does。 I'm worried it does。〃
〃This is upsetting you？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Have you seen a marriage counselor？〃
〃No。〃
〃See one。〃
〃Why？〃
〃Two reasons。 First； because you should。 You've been married to Julia a long time； and as far as I know it's been mostly good。 And second； because you'll start to establish a record of trying to save the marriage； which contradicts a claim of alienation of affection。〃
〃Yes； but…〃
〃If you're right that she is starting to build a case； then you have to be extremely careful； my friend。 Alienation of affection is a tough argument to defend against。 The kids are pissed at Mom； and she says you're behind it。 How can you prove it's not true？ You can't。 Plus you've been home a lot； so it's easier to imagine that it might be true。 The court will see you as dissatisfied； and possibly resentful of your working spouse。〃 He held up his hand。 〃I know； I know none of that's true； Jack； but it's an easy argument to make； that's my point。 And her attorney will make it。 In your resentment； you turned the kids against her。〃
〃That's bullshit。〃
〃Of course。 I know that。〃 He slapped me on the shoulder。 〃So see a good counselor。 If you need names； call my office and Barbara'll give you a couple of reputable ones。〃 I called Julia to tell her that Ellen was ing up for a few days。 Of course； I didn't reach Julia； just her voice mail。 I left a longish message； explaining what was happening。 Then I went to do the shopping because with Ellen staying over； we'd need some extra supplies。 I was rolling my cart down the supermarket aisle when I got a call from the hospital。 It was the beardless ER doctor again。 He was calling to check on Amanda and I said her bruises were almost gone。
〃That's good；〃 he said。 〃Glad to hear it。〃
I said； 〃What about the MRI？〃
The doctor said the MRI results were not relevant； because the machine had malfunctioned and had never examined Amanda。 〃In fact； we're worried about all the readings for the last few weeks；〃 he said。 〃Because apparently the machine was slowly breaking down。〃
〃How do you mean？〃
〃It was being corroded or something。 All the memory chips were turning to powder。〃
I felt a chill； remembering Eric's MP3 player。 〃Why would that happen？〃 I said。 〃The best guess is it's been corroded by some gas that escaped from the wall lines； probably during the night。 Like chlorine gas； that'd do it。 Except the thing is； only the memory chips were damaged。 The other chips were fine。〃
Things were getting stranger by the minute。 And they got stranger still a few minutes later； when Julia called all cheerful and upbeat； to announce that she was ing home in the afternoon and would be there in plenty of time for dinner。
〃It'll be great to see Ellen；〃 she said。 〃Why is she ing？〃
〃I think she just wanted to get out of town。〃
〃Well； it'll be great for you to have her around for a few days。 Some grown…up pany。〃
〃You bet；〃 I said。
I waited for her to explain why she hadn't e home。 But all she said was； 〃Hey； I got to run； Jack； I'll talk to you later…〃
〃Julia；〃 I said。 〃Wait a minute。〃
〃What？〃
I hesitated； wondering how to put it。 I said； 〃I was worried about you last night。〃
〃You were？ Why？〃
〃When you didn't e home。〃
〃Honey； I called you。 I got stuck out at the plant。 Didn't you check your messages？〃
〃Yes 。。。〃
〃And you didn't have a message from me？〃
〃No。 I didn't。〃
〃Well； I don't know what happened。 I left you a message； Jack。 I called the house first and got Maria； but she couldn't； you know； it was too plicated 。。。 So then I called your cell and I left you a message that I was stuck at the plant until today。〃
〃Well； I didn't get it；〃 I said； trying not to sound like I was pouting。 〃Sorry about that； honey； but check your service。 Anyway listen； I really have to go。 See you tonight； okay？ Kiss kiss。〃
And she hung up。
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and checked it。 There was no message。 I checked the phone log。 There were no calls last n