grace abounding to the chief of sinners- 第12部分

155。　　Here　again　my　torment　would　flame　out　and　afflict　me；　yea；　it　　would　grind　me；　as　it　were　to　powder；　to　consider　the　preservation　　of　God　towards　others；　while　I　fell　into　the　snare；　for　in　my　thus　　considering　of　other　men's　sins；　and　comparing　them　with　mine　own；　　I　could　evidently　see；　God　preserved　them；　notwithstanding　their　　wickedness；　and　would　not　let　them；　as　He　had　let　me；　become　a　son　　of　perdition。

156。　　But　oh！　how　did　my　soul　at　this　time　prize　the　preservation　　that　God　did　set　about　His　people！　　Ah；　how　safely　did　I　see　them　　walk；　whom　God　had　hedged　in！　　They　were　within　His　care；　　protection；　and　special　providence：　　though　they　were　full　as　bad　　as　I　by　nature；　yet　because　He　loved　them；　He　would　not　suffer　them　　to　fall　without　the　range　of　mercy：　　but　as　for　me；　I　was　gone；　I　　had　done　it：　　He　would　not　preserve　me；　nor　keep　me；　but　suffered　　me；　because　I　was　a　reprobate；　to　fall　as　I　had　done。　　Now　did　　those　blessed　places　that　speak　of　God's　keeping　His　people；　shine　　like　the　sun　before　me；　though　not　to　comfort　me；　yet　to　show　me　　the　blessed　state　and　heritage　of　those　whom　the　Lord　had　blessed。

157。　　Now　I　saw；　that　as　God　had　His　hand　in　all　the　providences　　and　dispensations　that　overtook　His　elect；　so　He　had　His　hand　in　　all　the　temptations　that　they　had　to　sin　against　Him；　not　to　　animate　them　to　wickedness；　but　to　choose　their　temptations　and　　troubles　for　them；　and　also　to　leave　them　for　a　time；　to　such　sins　　only　that　might　not　destroy；　but　humble　them；　as　might　not　put　them　　beyond；　but　lay　them　in　the　way　of　the　renewing　His　mercy。　　But　oh！　　what　love；　what　care；　what　kindness　and　mercy　did　I　now　see；　mixing　　itself　with　the　most　severe　and　dreadful　of　all　God's　ways　to　His　　people！　　He　would　let　DAVID；　HEZEKIAH；　SOLOMON；　PETER；　and　others；　　fall；　but　He　would　not　let　them　fall　into　sin　unpardonable；　nor　　into　hell　for　sin。　　Oh！　thought　I；　these　be　the　men　that　God　hath　　loved；　these　be　the　men　that　God；　though　He　chastiseth　them；　keeps　　them　in　safety　by　Him；　and　them　whom　He　makes　to　abide　under　the　　shadow　of　the　Almighty。　　But　all　these　thoughts　added　sorrow；　　grief；　and　horror　to　me；　as　whatever　I　now　thought　on；　it　was　　killing　to　me。　　If　I　thought　how　God　kept　His　own；　that　was　killing　　to　me；　if　I　thought　of　how　I　was　fallen　myself；　that　was　killing　to　　me。　　As　all　things　wrought　together　for　the　best；　and　to　do　good　to　　them　that　were　the　called；　according　to　His　purpose；　so　I　thought　　that　all　things　wrought　for　my　damage；　and　for　my　eternal　　overthrow。

158。　　Then　again　I　began　to　compare　my　sin　with　the　sin　of　JUDAS；　　that；　if　possible；　I　might　find　if　mine　differed　from　that；　which　　in　truth　is　unpardonable：　　and　oh！　thought　I；　if　it　should　differ　　from　it；　though　but　the　breadth　of　an　hair；　what　a　happy　condition　　is　my　soul　in！　　And　by　considering；　I　found　that　JUDAS　did　this　　intentionally；　but　mine　was　against　my　prayer　and　strivings：　　　besides；　his　was　committed　with　much　deliberation；　but　mine　in　a　　fearful　hurry；　on　a　sudden：　　all　this　while　I　was　tossed　to　and　fro　　like　the　locusts；　and　driven　from　trouble　to　sorrow；　hearing　always　　the　sound　of　ESAU'S　fall　in　mine　ears；　and　the　dreadful　　consequences　thereof。

159。　　Yet　this　consideration　about　JUDAS'S　sin　was；　for　awhile；　　some　little　relief　to　me；　for　I　saw　I　had　not；　as　to　the　　circumstances；　transgressed　so　fully　as　he。　　But　this　was　quickly　　gone　again；　for　I　thought　with　myself；　there　might　be　more　ways　　than　one　to　commit　this　unpardonable　sin；　also　I　thought　there　　might　be　degrees　of　that；　as　well　as　of　other　transgressions；　　wherefore；　for　aught　I　yet　could　perceive；　this　iniquity　of　mine　　might　be　such；　as　might　never　be　passed　by。

160。　　I　was　often　now　ashamed　that　I　should　be　like　such　an　ugly　　man　as　Judas：　　I　thought　also　how　loathsome　I　should　be　unto　all　　the　saints　at　the　day　of　judgment：　　insomuch　that　now　I　could　　scarce　see　a　good　man；　that　I　believed　had　a　good　conscience；　but　I　　should　feel　my　heart　tremble　at　him；　while　I　was　in　his　presence。　　　Oh！　now　I　saw　a　glory　in　walking　with　God；　and　what　a　mercy　it　was　　to　have　a　good　conscience　before　Him。

161。　　I　was　much　about　that　time　tempted　to　content　myself　by　　receiving　some　false　opinion；　as；　that　there　should　be　no　such　　thing　as　a　day　of　judgment；　that　we　should　not　rise　again；　and　that　　sin　was　no　such　grievous　thing：　　the　tempter　suggesting　thus：　　FOR　　IF　THESE　THINGS　SHOULD　INDEED　BE　TRUE；　YET　TO　BELIEVE　OTHERWISE　　WOULD　YIELD　YOU　EASE　FOR　THE　PRESENT。　　IF　YOU　MUST　PERISH；　NEVER　　TORMENT　YOURSELF　SO　MUCH　BEFOREHAND：　　DRIVE　THE　THOUGHTS　OF　DAMNING　　OUT　OF　YOUR　MIND；　BY　POSSESSING　YOUR　MIND　WITH　SOME　SUCH　　CONCLUSIONS　THAT　Atheists　AND　Ranters　USE　TO　HELP　THEMSELVES　　WITHAL。

162。　　But　oh！　when　such　thoughts　have　led　through　my　heart；　how；　as　　it　were；　within　a　step；　hath　death　and　judgment　been　in　my　view！　　methought　the　judge　stood　at　the　door；　I　was　as　if　it　was　come　　already；　so　that　such　things　could　have　no　entertainment。　　But　　methinks；　I　see　by　this；　that　Satan　will　use　any　means　to　keep　the　　soul　from　Christ；　he　loveth　not　an　awakened　frame　of　spirit；　　security；　blindness；　darkness；　and　error；　is　the　very　kingdom　and　　habitation　of　the　wicked　one。

163。　　I　found　it　a　hard　work　now　to　pray　to　God；　because　despair　　was　swallowing　me　up；　I　thought　I　was　as　with　a　tempest　driven　away　　from　God；　for　always　when　I　cried　to　God　for　mercy；　this　would　come　　in；　'TIS　TOO　LATE；　I　AM　LOST；　GOD　HATH　LET　ME　FALL；　NOT　TO　MY　　CORRECTION；　BUT　CONDEMNATION：　　MY　SIN　IS　UNPARDONABLE；　AND　I　KNOW；　　CONCERNING　ESAU；　HOW　THAT　AFTER　HE　HAD　SOLD　HIS　BIRTHRIGHT；　BE　　WOULD　HAVE　RECEIVED　THE　BLESSING；　BUT　WAS　REJECTED。　　About　this　　time　I　did　light　on　that　dreadful　story　of　that　miserable　mortal　　Francis　Spira；　a　book　that　was　to　my　troubled　spirit；　as　salt；　when　　rubbed　into　a　fresh　wound：　　every　sentence　in　that　book；　every　　groan　of　that　man；　with　all　the　rest　of　his　actions　in　his　dolours；　　as　his　tears；　his　prayers；　his　gnashing　of　teeth；　his　wringing　of　　hands；　his　twining　and　twisting；　and　languishing；　and　pining　away　　under　that　mighty　hand　of　God　that　was　upon　him；　were　as　knives　and　　daggers　in　my　soul；　especially　that　sentence　of　his　was　frightful　　to　me；　MAN　KNOWS　THE　BEGINNING　OF　SIN？　BUT　WHO　BOUNDS　THE　ISSUES　　THEREOF？　　Then　would　the　former　sentence；　as　the　conclusion　of　all；　　fall　like　an　hot　thunderbolt　again　upon　my　conscience；　FOR　YOU　KNOW　　HOW　THAT　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　HE　WOULD　HAVE　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　　WAS　REJECTED；　FOR　HE　FOUND　NO　PLACE　OF　REPENTANCE；　THOUGH　HE　SOUGHT　　IT　CAREFULLY　WITH　TEARS。

164。　　Then　should　I　be　struck　into　a　very　great　trembling；　insomuch　　that　at　sometimes　I　could；　for　whole　days　together；　feel　my　very　　body；　as　well　as　my　mind；　to　shake　and　totter　under　the　sense　of　　this　dreadful　judgment　of　God；　that　should　fall　on　those　that　have　　sinned　that　most　fearful　and　unpardonable　sin。　　I　felt　also　such　a　　clogging　and　heat　at　my　stomach；　by　reason　of　this　my　terror；　that　　I　was；　especially　at　some　times；　as　if　my　breast…bone　would　split　　asunder；　then　I　thought　of　that　concerning　Judas；　who　by　FALLING　　HEADLONG；　HE　BURST　ASUNDER　IN　THE　MIDST；　AND　ALL　HIS　BOWELS　GUSHED　　OUT。　　Acts　i。　18。

165。　　I　feared　also　that　this　was　the　mark　that　the　Lord　did　set　on　　CAIN；　even　continual　fear　and　trembling；　under　the　heavy　load　of　　guilt　that　he　had　charged　on　him　for　the　blood　of　his　brother　ABEL。　　　Thus　did　I　wind；　and　twine；　and　shrink　under　the　burthen　that　was　　upon　me；　which　burthen　also　did　so　oppress　me；　that　I　could　neither　　stand；　nor　go；　nor　lie；　either　at　rest　or　quiet。

166。　　Yet　that　saying　would　sometimes　come　into　my　mind；　HE　HATH　　RECEIVED　GIFTS　FOR　THE　REBELLIOUS。　　Psalm　lxviii。　18。　　The　　REBELLIOUS；　thought　I！　why　surely　they　are　such　as　once　were　under　　subjection　to　their　Prince；　even　those　who　after　they　have　sworn　　subjection　to　His　government；　have　taken　up　arms　against　Him；　and　　this；　thought　I；　is　my　very　condition：　　I　once　loved　Him；　feared　　Him；　served　Him；　but　now　I　am　a　rebel；　I　have　sold　Him；　I　have　　said；　LET　HIM　GO；　IF　HE　WILL；　but　yet　He　has　gifts　for　rebels；　and　　then　why　not　for　me？

167。　　This　sometimes　I　thought　on；　and　should　labour　to　take　hold　　thereof；　that　some；　though　small　refreshment；　might　have　been　　conceived　by　me；　but　in　this　also　I　missed　of　my　desire；　I　was　　driven　with　force　beyond　it；　I　was　like　a　man　going　to　execution；　　even　by　THAT　place　where　he　would　fain　creep　in　and　hide　himself；　　but　may　not。

168。　　Again；　after　I　had　thus　considered　the　sins　of　the　SAINTS　in　　particular；　and　found　MINE　went　beyond　them；　then　I　began　to　think　　with　myself；　Set　the　case　I　should　put　ALL　THEIRS　together；　and　　MINE　ALONE　against　them；　might　I　not　then　find　some　encouragement？　　for　if　MINE；　though　bigger　than　any　one；　yet　should　be　but　equal　to　　all；　then　there　is　hopes；　for　that　blood　that　hath　virtue　enough　in　　it　to　wash　away　all　theirs；　had　virtue　enough　in　it　to　do　away　　mine；　though　this　one　be　full　as　big；　if　not　bigger　than　all　　theirs。　　Here　again；　I　should　consider　the　sin　of　DAVID；　of　　SOLOMON；　of　MANASSEH；　of　PETER；　and　the　rest　of　the　great　　offenders；　and　should　also　labour；　what　I　might　with　fairness；　to　　aggravate　and　heighten　their　sins　by　s