on with Richard once when an assassin had e to town to kill me。 I gave the same answer。 〃Having hysterics won't help anything； Ronnie。〃
〃But you're not angry about it。〃
〃Oh； I am angry；〃 I said。
She shook her head。 〃No； I mean you're not outraged that this is happening。 You don't seem surprised； not like 。。。 〃 She shrugged。 〃Not like you should be。〃
〃You mean not like you would be。〃 I held up a hand before she could answer。 〃I don't have time to debate moral philosophy； Ronnie。〃 I picked up the phone。 〃I'm going to call Jean…Claude。〃
〃I keep urging you to dump the vampire and marry Richard； but maybe there's more than one reason why you can't let him go。〃
I dialed the number for Circus of the Damned from memory； and Ronnie just kept talking to my back。 〃Maybe you're not willing to give up a lover who's colder than you are。〃
The phone was ringing。 〃There are clean sheets on the guest bed； Ronnie。 Sorry I won't be able to share girl talk tonight。〃 I kept my back to her。
I heard her stand in a crinkle of skirts and knew when she walked out。 I kept my back facing the room until I knew she was gone。 It wouldn't do either of us any good to let her see me cry。
3。
JEAN…CLAUDE WASN'T AT the Circus of the Damned。 The voice on the other end of the phone at the Circus didn't recognize me and wouldn't believe I was Anita Blake； Jean…Claude's sometimes sweetie。 So I'd been reduced to calling his other businesses。 I'd tried Guilty Pleasures； his strip club； but he wasn't there。 I tried Danse Macabre； his newest enterprise； but I was beginning to wonder if Jean…Claude had simply told everyone that he wasn't in if I called。
The thought bothered me a lot。 I'd worried that after so long Richard might finally tell me to go to hell； that he'd had enough of my indecision。 It had never occurred to me that Jean…Claude might not wait。 If I was so unsure how I felt about him； why was my stomach squeezed tight with a growing sense of loss？ The feeling had nothing to do with the wereleopards and their problems。 It had everything to do with me and the fact that I suddenly felt lost。 But it turned out he was at Danse Macabre； and he took my call。 I had a moment for my stomach to unclench and my breath to ease out； then he was on the phone； and I was struggling to keep my metaphysical shields in place。
I hated metaphysics。 Preternatural biology is still biology； metaphysics is magic； and I'm still not fortable with it。 For six months when I wasn't working； I was meditating； studying with a very wise psychic named Marianne； learning ritual magic； so I could control my God…given abilities。 And so I could block the marks that bound me to Richard and Jean…Claude。 An aura is like your personal protection； your personal energy。 When it's healthy it keeps you safe like skin； but you get a hole in it； and infection can get inside。 My aura had two holes in it； one for each of the men。 I suspected that their auras had holes in them； too。 Which put us all at risk。 I'd blocked up my holes。 Then only a few weeks ago； I'd e up against a nasty creature； a would…be god； a new category； even for me。 It had been powerful enough to strip all my careful work away； leaving me raw and open again。 Only the intervention of a local witch had saved me from being eaten from the aura down。 I didn't have six more months of celibacy； meditation； and patience in me。 The holes were there； and the only way to fill them was with Jean…Claude and Richard。 That's what Marianne said； and I trusted her in a way that I trusted few others。
Jean…Claude's voice hit me over the phone like a velvet slap。 My breath caught in my throat； and I could do nothing but feel the flow of his voice； the presence of him； like something alive； flowing over my skin。 His voice has always been one of Jean…Claude's best things； but this was ridiculous。 This was over the phone。 How could I possibly see him in person and maintain my shields； let alone my posure？
〃I know you are there； ma petite。 Did you call merely to hear the sound of my voice？〃
That was closer to the truth than was fortable。 〃No； no。〃 I still couldn't gather my thoughts。 I was like an athlete who had let her training go。 I just couldn't lift the same amount of weight； and there was weight to wading through Jean…Claude's power。
When I still didn't say anything； he spoke again。 〃Ma petite； to what do I owe this honor？ Why have you deigned to call me？〃 His voice was bland； but there was a hint of something in it。 Reproach perhaps。
I guess I had it ing。 I rallied the troops and tried to sound like an intelligent human being； not always one of my best things。 〃It's been six months 。。。 〃
〃I am aware of that； ma petite。〃
He was being condescending。 I hated that。 It made me a little angry。 The anger helped clear my head a little。 〃If you'll stop interrupting； I'll tell you why I called。〃
〃My heart is all aflutter with anticipation。〃
I wanted to hang up。 He was being an asshole； and part of me thought I might deserve the treatment； which made me even angrier。 I'm always angriest when I think I'm in the wrong。 I'd been a coward for months； and I was still a coward。 I was afraid to be close to him； afraid of what I'd do。 Damn it； Anita； get ahold of yourself。 〃Sarcasm is my department；〃 I said。
〃And what is my department？〃
〃I'm about to ask you for a favor；〃 I said。
〃Really？〃 He said it as if he might not grant it。
〃Please； Jean…Claude； I'm asking for help。 I don't do that often。〃
〃That is certainly true。 What would you have of me； ma petite？ You know that you have but to ask； and it will be yours。 No matter how angry I may be with you。〃
I let that ment go； because I didn't know what to do about it。 〃Do you know a club called Narcissus in Chains？〃
He was quiet for a second or two。 〃Oui。〃
〃Can you give me directions and meet me there？〃
〃Do you know what sort of a club this place is？〃
〃Yeah。〃
〃Are you sure？〃
〃It's a bondage club； I know。〃
〃Unless the last six months has changed you greatly； ma petite； that is not one of your preferences。〃
〃Not mine； no。〃
〃Your wereleopards are misbehaving again？〃
〃Something like that。〃 I told him what had happened。
〃I do not know this Marco。〃
〃I didn't figure you did。〃
〃But you did think that I knew where the club was？〃
〃I was hoping。〃
〃I will meet you there with some of my people。 Or will you allow only me to ride to your rescue？〃 He sounded amused now； which was better than angry； I guess。
〃Bring who you need。〃
〃You trust my judgment？〃
〃In this； yeah。〃
〃But not in all things；〃 he said softly。
〃I don't trust anyone in all things； Jean…Claude。〃
He sighed。 〃So young to be so 。。。 jaded。〃
〃I'm cynical； not jaded。〃
〃And the difference is what； ma petite？〃
〃You're jaded。〃
He laughed then； the sound caressing me like the brush of a hand。 It made things low in my body clench。 〃Ah；〃 he said； 〃that explains all the differences。〃
〃Just give me directions； please。〃 I added the 〃please〃 to speed things along。
〃They will not harm your wereleopards too greatly； I think。 The club is run by shapeshifters； and they will smell too much blood and take matters into their own hands。 It is one of the reasons Narcissus in Chains is no…man's…land； a neutral place for the fringe of our groups。 Your leopards were right； it is usually a very safe place。〃
〃Well； Gregory wasn't screaming because he felt safe。〃
〃Perhaps not； but I know the owner。 Narcissus would be very angry if someone became overzealous in his club。〃
〃Narcissus； I don't know the name。 Well； I know the Greek mythology stuff； but I don't recognize it as local。〃
〃I would not expect you to。 He does not often leave his club。 But I will call him； and he will patrol your cats for you。 He will not rescue them； but he will make sure no further damage is done。〃
〃You trust Narcissus to do this？〃
〃Oui。〃
Jean…Claude had his faults； but if he trusted someone； he was usually right。 〃Okay。 And thank you。〃
〃You are most wele。〃 He drew a breath； then said quietly； 〃Would you have called if you had not needed my help？ Would you ever have called？〃
I'd been dreading this question from either Jean…Claude or Richard。 But I finally had an answer 〃I'll answer your question as best I can； but call it a hunch； it may be a long conversation。 I need to know my people are safe before we start dissecting our relationship。〃
〃Relationship？ Is that what we have？〃 His voice was very dry。
〃Jean…Claude。〃
〃No； no； ma petite； I will call Narcissus now and save your cats but only if you promise that when I call back we will finish this conversation。〃
〃Promise。〃
〃Your word；〃 he said。
〃Yes。〃
〃Very well； ma petite； until we speak again。〃 He hung up。
I hung up the phone and stood there。 Was it cowardly to want to call someone else； anyone else； so the phone would be busy and we wouldn't have to have our little talk？ Yeah； it was cowardly； but tempting。 I hated talking about my personal life； especially to the people most intimately involved in it。 I had just about enough time to change out of the skirt outfit when the phone rang。 I jumped and answered it with my pulse in my throat。 I was really dreading this conversation。
〃Hel