the man who was afraid- 第53部分

Sitting　on　the　beams；　Foma　rocked　his　whole　body　to　and　fro；　and　out　of　the　darkness；　from　the　river；　various　human　figures　appeared　silently　before　himsailors；　stokers；　clerks；　waiters；　half…intoxicated　painted　women；　and　tavern…loungers。　They　floated　in　the　air　like　shadows；　something　damp　and　brackish　came　from　them；　and　the　dark；　dense　throng　moved　on　slowly；　noiselessly　and　swiftly；　like　clouds　in　an　autumn　sky。　The　soft　splashing　of　the　waves　poured　into　his　soul　like　sadly　sighing　music。　Far　away；　somewhere　on　the　other　bank　of　the　river；　burned　a　wood…pile；　embraced　by　the　darkness　on　all　sides；　it　was　at　times　almost　absorbed　by　it；　and　in　the　darkness　it　trembled；　a　reddish　spot　scarcely　visible　to　the　eye。　But　now　the　fire　flamed　up　again；　the　darkness　receded；　and　it　was　evident　that　the　flame　was　striving　upward。　And　then　it　sank　again。

〃0h　Lord；　0h　Lord！〃　thought　Foma；　painfully　and　bitterly；　feeling　that　grief　was　oppressing　his　heart　with　ever　greater　power。　〃Here　I　am；　alone；　even　as　that　fire。　Only　no　light　comes　from　me；　nothing　but　fumes　and　smoke。　If　I　could　only　meet　a　wise　man！　Someone　to　speak　to。　It　is　utterly　impossible　for　me　to　live　alone。　I　cannot　do　anything。　I　wish　I　might　meet　a　man。〃

Far　away；　on　the　river；　two　large　purple　fires　appeared；　and　high　above　them　was　a　third。　A　dull　noise　resounded　in　the　distance；　something　black　was　moving　toward　Foma。

〃A　steamer　going　up　stream；〃　he　thought。　〃There　may　be　more　than　a　hundred　people　aboard；　and　none　of　them　give　a　single　thought　to　me。　They　all　know　whither　they　are　sailing。　Every　one　of　them　has　something　that　is　his　own。　Every　one；　I　believe；　understands　what　he　wants。　But　what　do　I　want？　And　who　will　tell　it　to　me？　Where　is　such　a　man？〃

The　lights　of　the　steamer　were　reflected　in　the　river；　quivering　in　it；　the　illumined　water　rushed　away　from　it　with　a　dull　murmur；　and　the　steamer　looked　like　a　huge　black　fish　with　fins　of　fire。

A　few　days　elapsed　after　this　painful　night；　and　Foma　caroused　again。　It　came　about　by　accident　and　against　his　will。　He　had　made　up　his　mind　to　restrain　himself　from　drinking；　and　so　went　to　dinner　in　one　of　the　most　expensive　hotels　in　town；　hoping　to　find　there　none　of　his　familiar　drinking…companions；　who　always　selected　the　cheaper　and　less　respectable　places　for　their　drinking　bouts。　But　his　calculation　proved　to　be　wrong；　he　at　once　came　into　the　friendly　joyous　embrace　of　the　brandy…　distiller's　son；　who　had　taken　Sasha　as　mistress。

He　ran　up　to　Foma；　embraced　him　and　burst　into　merry　laughter。

〃Here's　a　meeting！　This　is　the　third　day　I　have　eaten　here；　and　I　am　wearied　by　this　terrible　lonesomeness。　There　is　not　a　decent　man　in　the　whole　town；　so　I　have　had　to　strike　up　an　acquaintance　with　newspaper　men。　They're　a　gay　lot；　although　at　first　they　played　the　aristocrat　and　kept　sneering　at　me。　After　awhile　we　all　got　dead　drunk。　They'll　be　here　again　todayI　swear　by　the　fortune　of　my　father！　I'll　introduce　you　to　them。　There　is　one　writer　of　feuilletons　here；　you　know；　that　some　one　who　always　lauded　you；　what's　his　name？　An　amusing　fellow；　the　devil　take　him！　Do　you　know　it　would　be　a　good　thing　to　hire　one　like　that　for　personal　use！　Give　him　a　certain　sum　of　money　and　order　him　to　amuse！　How's　that？　I　had　a　certain　coupletist　in　my　employ；　it　was　rather　entertaining　to　be　with　him。　I　used　to　say　to　him　sometimes：　'Rimsky！　give　us　some　couplets！'　He　would　start；　I　tell　you；　and　he'd　make　you　split　your　sides　with　laughter。　It's　a　pity；　he　ran　off　somewhere。　Have　you　had　dinner？〃

〃Not　yet。　And　how's　Aleksandra？〃　asked　Foma；　somewhat　deafened　by　the　loud　speech　of　this　tall；　frank；　red…faced　fellow　clad　in　a　motley　costume。

〃Well；　do　you　know；〃　said　the　latter　with　a　frown；　〃that　Aleksandra　of　yours　is　a　nasty　woman！　She's　so　obscure；　it's　tiresome　to　be　with　her；　the　devil　take　her！　She's　as　cold　as　a　frog；brrr！　I　guess　I'll　send　her　away。〃

〃Coldthat's　true；〃　said　Foma　and　became　pensive。　〃Every　person　must　do　his　work　in　a　first　class　manner；〃　said　the　distiller's　son；　instructively。　〃And　if　you　become　some　one's　s　mistress　you　must　perform　your　duty　in　the　best　way　possible；　if　you　are　a　decent　woman。　Well；　shall　we　have　a　drink？〃

They　had　a　drink。　And　naturally　they　got　drunk。　A　large　and　noisy　company　gathered　in　the　hotel　toward　evening。　And　Foma；　intoxicated；　but　sad　and　calm；　spoke　to　them　with　heavy　voice：

〃That's　the　way　I　understand　it：　some　people　are　worms；　others　sparrows。　The　sparrows　are　the　merchants。　They　peck　the　worms。　Such　is　their　destined　lot。　They　are　necessary　But　I　and　youall　of　youare　to　no　purpose。　We　live　so　that　we　cannot　be　compared　to　anythingwithout　justification；　merely　at　random。　And　we　are　utterly　unnecessary。　But　even　these　here；　and　everybody　else；　to　what　purpose　are　they？　You　must　understand　that。　Brethren！　We　shall　all　burst！　By　God！　And　why　shall　we　burst？　Because　there　is　always　something　superfluous　in　us；　there　is　something　superfluous　in　our　souls。　And　all　our　life　is　superfluous！　Comrades！　I　weep。　To　what　purpose　am　I？　I　am　unnecessary！　Kill　me；　that　I　may　die；　I　want　to　die。〃

And　he　wept；　shedding　many　drunken　tears。　A　drunken；　small…sized；　swarthy　man　sat　down　close　to　him；　began　to　remind　him　of　something；　tried　to　kiss　him；　and　striking　a　knife　against　the　table；　shouted：

〃True！　Silence！　These　are　powerful　words！　Let　the　elephants　and　the　mammoths　of　the　disorder　of　life　speak！　The　raw　Russian　conscience　speaks　holy　words！　Roar　on；　Gordyeeff！　Roar　at　everything！〃　And　again　he　clutched　at　Foma's　shoulders；　flung　himself　on　his　breast；　raising　to　Foma's　face　his　round；　black；　closely…cropped　head；　which　was　ceaselessly　turning　about　on　his　shoulders　on　all　sides；　so　that　Foma　was　unable　to　see　his　face；　and　he　was　angry　at　him　for　this；　and　kept　on　pushing　him　aside；　crying　excitedly：

〃Get　away！　Where　is　your　face？　Go　on！〃

A　deafening；　drunken　laughter　smote　the　air　about　them；　and　choking　with　laughter；　the　son　of　the　brandy…distiller　roared　to　someone　hoarsely：

〃Come　to　me！　A　hundred　roubles　a　month　with　board　and　lodging！　Throw　the　paper　to　the　dogs。　I'll　give　you　more！〃

And　everything　rocked　from　side　to　side　in　rhythmic；　wave…like　movement。　Now　the　people　moved　farther　away　from　Foma；　now　they　came　nearer　to　him；　the　ceiling　descended；　the　floor　rose；　and　it　seemed　to　Foma　that　he　would　soon　be　flattened　and　crushed。　Then　he　began　to　feel　that　he　was　floating　somewhere　over　an　immensely　wide　and　stormy　river；　and；　staggering；　he　cried　out　in　fright：

〃Where　are　we　floating？　Where　is　the　captain？〃

He　was　answered　by　the　loud；　senseless　laughter　of　the　drunken　crowd；　and　by　the　shrill；　repulsive　shout　of　the　swarthy　little　man：

〃True！　we　are　all　without　helm　and　sails。　Where　is　the　captain？　What？　Ha；　ha；　ha！〃

Foma　awakened　from　this　nightmare　in　a　small　room　with　two　windows；　and　the　first　thing　his　eyes　fell　upon　was　a　withered　tree。　It　stood　near　the　window；　its　thick　trunk；　barkless；　with　a　rotten　heart；　prevented　the　light　from　entering　the　room；　the　bent；　black　branches；　devoid　of　leaves；　stretched　themselves　mournfully　and　helplessly　in　the　air；　and　shaking　to　and　fro；　they　creaked　softly；　plaintively。　A　rain　was　falling；　streams　of　water　were　beating　against　the　window…panes；　and　one　could　hear　how　the　water　was　falling　to　the　ground　from　the　roof；　sobbing　there。　This　sobbing　sound　was　joined　by　another　sounda　shrill；　often　interrupted；　hasty　scratching　of　a　pen　over　paper；　and　then　by　a　certain　spasmodic　grumbling。

When　he　turned　with　difficulty　his　aching；　heavy　head　on　the　pillow；　Foma　noticed　a　small；　swarthy　man；　who　sat　by　the　table　hastily　scratching　with　his　pen　over　the　paper；　shaking　his　round　head　approvingly；　wagging　it　from　side　to　side；　shrugging　his　shoulders；　and；　with　all　his　small　body　clothed　in　night　garments　only；　constantly　moving　about　in　his　chair；　as　though　he　were　sitting　on　fire；　and　could　not　get　up　for　some　reason　or　other。　His　left　hand；　lean　and　thin；　was　now　firmly　rubbing　his　forehead；　now　making　certain　incomprehensible　signs　in　the　air；　his　bare　feet　scraped　along　the　floor；　a　certain　vein　quivered　on　his　neck；　and　even　his　ears　were　moving。　When　he　turned　toward　Foma；　Foma　saw　his　thin　lips　whispering　something；　his　sharp…　pointed　nose　turned　down　to　his　thin　moustache；　which　twitched　upward　each　time　the　little　man　smiled。　His　face　was　yellow；　bloated；　wrinkled；　and　his　black；　vivacious　small　sparkling　eyes　did　not　seem　to　belong　to　him。

Having　grown　tired　of　looking　at　him；　Foma　slowly　began　to　examine　the　room　with　his　eyes。　On　the　large　nails；　driven　into　the　walls；　hung　piles　of　newspapers；　which　made　the　walls　look　as　though　covered　with　swellings。　The　ceiling　was　pasted　with　paper　which　had　been　white　once　upon　a　time；　now　it　was　puffed　up　like　bladders；　torn　here　and　there；　peeled　off　and　hanging　in　dirty　scraps；　clothing；　boots；　books；　torn　pieces　of　paper　lay　scattered　on　the　floor。　Altogether　the　room　gave　one　the　impression　that　it　had　been　scalded　with　boiling　water。

The　little　man　dropped　the　pen；　bent　over　the　table；　drummed　briskly　on　its　edge　with　his　fingers　and　began　to　sing　softly　in　a　faint　voice：

〃Take　the　drum　and　fear　not；　And