those extraordinary twins- 第1部分

Those　Extraordinary　Twins

by　Mark　Twain




A　man　who　is　born　with　the　novel…writing　gift　has　a　troublesome　time　of
it　when　he　tries　to　build　a　novel。　　I　know　this　from　experience。　　He　has
no　clear　idea　of　his　story；　in　fact　he　has　no　story。　　He　merely　has　some
people　in　his　mind；　and　an　incident　or　two；　also　a　locality。　　He　knows
these　people；　he　knows　the　selected　locality；　and　he　trusts　that　he　can
plunge　those　people　into　those　incidents　with　interesting　results。　　So　he
goes　to　work。　　To　write　a　novel？　　Nothat　is　a　thought　which　comes
later；　in　the　beginning　he　is　only　proposing　to　tell　a　little　tale；　a
very　little　tale；　a　six…page　tale。　　But　as　it　is　a　tale　which　he　is　not
acquainted　with；　and　can　only　find　out　what　it　is　by　listening　as　it　goes
along　telling　itself；　it　is　more　than　apt　to　go　on　and　on　and　on　till　it
spreads　itself　into　a　book。　　I　know　about　this；　because　it　has　happened
to　me　so　many　times。

And　I　have　noticed　another　thing：　that　as　the　short　tale　grows　into　the
long　tale；　the　original　intention　（or　motif）　is　apt　to　get　abolished　and
find　itself　superseded　by　a　quite　different　one。　　It　was　so　in　the　case
of　a　magazine　sketch　which　I　once　started　to　writea　funny　and　fantastic
sketch　about　a　prince　and　a　pauper；　it　presently　assumed　a　grave　cast　of
its　own　accord；　and　in　that　new　shape　spread　itself　out　into　a　book。
Much　the　same　thing　happened　with　〃Pudd'nhead　Wilson。〃　　I　had　a
sufficiently　hard　time　with　that　tale；　because　it　changed　itself　from　a
farce　to　a　tragedy　while　I　was　going　along　with　ita　most　embarrassing
circumstance。　　But　what　was　a　great　deal　worse　was；　that　it　was　not　one
story；　but　two　stories　tangled　together；　and　they　obstructed　and
interrupted　each　other　at　every　turn　and　created　no　end　of　confusion　and
annoyance。　　I　could　not　offer　the　book　for　publication；　for　I　was　afraid
it　would　unseat　the　reader's　reason。　　I　did　not　know　what　was　the　matter
with　it；　for　I　had　not　noticed；　as　yet；　that　it　was　two　stories　in　one。
It　took　me　months　to　make　that　discovery。　　I　carried　the　manuscript　back
and　forth　across　the　Atlantic　two　or　three　times；　and　read　it　and　studied
over　it　on　shipboard；　and　at　last　I　saw　where　the　difficulty　lay。　　I　had
no　further　trouble。　　I　pulled　one　of　the　stories　out　by　the　roots；　and
left　the　other　onea　kind　of　literary　Caesarean　operation。

Would　the　reader　care　to　know　something　about　the　story　which　I　pulled
out？　　He　has　been　told　many　a　time　how　the　born…and…trained　novelist
works。　　Won't　he　let　me　round　and　complete　his　knowledge　by　telling　him
how　the　jack…leg　does　it？

Originally　the　story　was　called　〃Those　Extraordinary　Twins。〃　　I　meant　to
make　it　very　short。　　I　had　seen　a　picture　of　a　youthful　Italian　〃freak〃
or　〃freaks〃　which　wasor　which　wereon　exhibition　in　our　citiesa
combination　consisting　of　two　heads　and　four　arms　joined　to　a　single　body
and　a　single　pair　of　legsand　I　thought　I　would　write　an　extravagantly
fantastic　little　story　with　this　freak　of　nature　for　heroor　heroes
a　silly　young　miss　for　heroine；　and　two　old　ladies　and　two　boys　for　the
minor　parts。　　I　lavishly　elaborated　these　people　and　their　doings；　of
course。　　But　the　tale　kept　spreading　along；　and　spreading　along；　and
other　people　got　to　intruding　themselves　and　taking　up　more　and　more　room
with　their　talk　and　their　affairs。　　Among　them　came　a　stranger　named
Pudd'nhead　Wilson；　and　a　woman　named　Roxana；　and　presently　the　doings　of
these　two　pushed　up　into　prominence　a　young　fellow　named　Tom　Driscoll；
whose　proper　place　was　away　in　the　obscure　background。　　Before　the　book
was　half　finished　those　three　were　taking　things　almost　entirely　into
their　own　hands　and　working　the　whole　tale　as　a　private　venture　of　their
owna　tale　which　they　had　nothing　at　all　to　do　with；　by　rights。

When　the　book　was　finished　and　I　came　to　look　around　to　see　what　had
become　of　the　team　I　had　originally　started　out　withAunt　Patsy　Cooper；
Aunt　Betsy　Hale；　the　two　boys；　and　Rowena　the　light…weight　heroinethey
were　nowhere　to　be　seen；　they　had　disappeared　from　the　story　some　time　or
other。　　I　hunted　about　and　found　them　found　them　stranded；　idle；
forgotten；　and　permanently　useless。　　It　was　very　awkward。　　It　was　awkward
all　around；　but　more　particularly　in　the　case　of　Rowena；　because　there
was　a　love…match　on；　between　her　and　one　of　the　twins　that　constituted
the　freak；　and　I　had　worked　it　up　to　a　blistering　heat　and　thrown　in　a
quite　dramatic　love…quarrel；　wherein　Rowena　scathingly　denounced　her
betrothed　for　getting　drunk；　and　scoffed　at　his　explanation　of　how　it　had
happened；　and　wouldn't　listen　to　it；　and　had　driven　him　from　her　in　the
usual　〃forever〃　way；　and　now　here　she　sat　crying　and　broken…hearted；　for
she　had　found　that　he　had　spoken　only　the　truth；　that　it　was　not　he；　but
the　other　half　of　the　freak；　that　had　drunk　the　liquor　that　made　him
drunk；　that　her　half　was　a　prohibitionist　and　had　never　drunk　a　drop　in
his　life；　and；　although　tight　as　a　brick　three　days　in　the　week；　was
wholly　innocent　of　blame；　and　indeed；　when　sober；　was　constantly　doing
all　he　could　to　reform　his　brother；　the　other　half；　who　never　got　any
satisfaction　out　of　drinking；　anyway；　because　liquor　never　affected　him。
Yes；　here　she　was；　stranded　with　that　deep　injustice　of　hers　torturing
her　poor　torn　heart。

I　didn't　know　what　to　do　with　her。　　I　was　as　sorry　for　her　as　anybody
could　be；　but　the　campaign　was　over；　the　book　was　finished；　she　was
sidetracked；　and　there　was　no　possible　way　of　crowding　her　in；　anywhere。
I　could　not　leave　her　there；　of　course；　it　would　not　do。　　After　spreading
her　out　so；　and　making　such　a　to…do　over　her　affairs；　it　would　be
absolutely　necessary　to　account　to　the　reader　for　her。　　I　thought　and
thought　and　studied　and　studied；　but　I　arrived　at　nothing。　　I　finally　saw
plainly　that　there　was　really　no　way　but　oneI　must　simply　give　her　the
grand　bounce。　　It　grieved　me　to　do　it；　for　after　associating　with　her　so
much　I　had　come　to　kind　of　like　her　after　a　fashion；　notwithstanding　she
was　such　an　ass　and　said　such　stupid　irritating　things　and　was　so
nauseatingly　sentimental。　　Still　it　had　to　be　done。　　So；　at　the　top　of
Chapter　XVII；　I　put　in　a　〃Calendar〃　remark　concerning　July　Fourth；　and
began　the　chapter　with　this　statistic：

〃Rowena　went　out　in　the　back　yard　after　supper　to　see　the　fireworks　and
fell　down　the　well　and　got　drowned。〃

It　seemed　abrupt；　but　I　thought　maybe　the　reader　wouldn't　notice　it；
because　I　changed　the　subject　right　away　to　something　else。　　Anyway　it
loosened　up　Rowena　from　where　she　was　stuck　and　got　her　out　of　the　way；
and　that　was　the　main　thing。　　It　seemed　a　prompt　good　way　of　weeding　out
people　that　had　got　stalled；　and　a　plenty　good　enough　way　for　those
others；　so　I　hunted　up　the　two　boys　and　said　〃they　went　out　back　one
night　to　stone　the　cat　and　fell　down　the　well　and　got　drowned。〃　　Next　I
searched　around　and　found　old　Aunt　Patsy　Cooper　and　Aunt　Betsy　Hale　where
they　were　aground；　and　said　〃they　went　out　back　one　night　to　visit　the
sick　and　fell　down　the　well　and　got　drowned。〃　　I　was　going　to　drown　some
of　the　others；　but　I　gave　up　the　idea；　partly　because　I　believed　that　if
I　kept　that　up　it　would　arouse　attention；　and　perhaps　sympathy　with　those
people；　and　partly　because　it　was　not　a　large　well　and　would　not　hold　any
more　anyway。

Still　the　story　was　unsatisfactory。　　Here　was　a　set　of　new　characters　who
were　become　inordinately　prominent　and　who　persisted　in　remaining　so　to
the　end；　and　back　yonder　was　an　older　set　who　made　a　large　noise　and　a
great　to…do　for　a　little　while　and　then　suddenly　played　out　utterly　and
fell　down　the　well。　　There　was　a　radical　defect　somewhere；　and　I　must
search　it　out　and　cure　it。

The　defect　turned　out　to　be　the　one　already　spoken　oftwo　stories　in
one；　a　farce　and　a　tragedy。　　So　I　pulled　out　the　farce　and　left　the
tragedy。　　This　left　the　original　team　in；　but　only　as　mere　names；　not　as
characters。　　Their　prominence　was　wholly　gone；　they　were　not　even　worth
drowning；　so　I　removed　that　detail。　　Also　I　took　those　twins　apart　and
made　two　separate　men　of　them。　　They　had　no　occasion　to　have　foreign
names　now；　but　it　was　too　much　trouble　to　remove　them　all　through；　so　I
left　them　christened　as　they　were　and　made　no　explanation。






CHAPTER　I

THE　TWINS　AS　THEY　REALLY　WERE

The　conglomerate　twins　were　brought　on　the　the　stage　in　Chapter　I　of　the
original　extravaganza。　　Aunt　Patsy　Cooper　has　received　their　letter
applying　for　board　and　lodging；　and　Rowena；　her　daughter；　insane　with
joy；　is　begging　for　a　hearing　of　it：

〃Well；　set　down　then；　and　be　quiet　a　minute　and　don't　fly　around　so；　it
fairly　makes　me　tired　to　see　you。　　It　starts　off　so：　'HONORED　MADAM'〃

〃I　like　that；　ma；　don't　you？　　It　shows　they're　high…bred。〃

〃Yes；　I　noticed　that　when　I　first　read　it。　　'My　brother　and　I　have　seen
your　advertisement；　by　chance；　in　a　copy　of　your　local　journal'

〃It's　so　beautiful　and　smooth；　ma…don't　you　think　so？〃

〃Yes；　seems　so　to　me'and　beg　leave　to　take　the　room　you　offer。　　We　are
twenty…four　years　of　age；　and　twins'〃

〃Twins　！　　How　sweet！　　I　do　hope　they　are　handsome；　and　I　just　know　they
are！　　Don't　you　hope