reaten the very fabric of universal existence。
Or so it says here。
If it's God's will； who gets the money？ Tony O'Blimey
If there is one factor which binds together all the really great religions of this world； it's that God created man in his own image。 Many cynical atheists loudly assert that the reverse is really the case； putting the whole thing down to egocentricity on the part of the believer。 But then what do atheists know about God anyway？ What these doubting Toms have failed to grasp is the hidden truth： God created man in his own image； because he had to。 The erect biped； head at the top； feet at the bottom； wedding tackle about halfway up； represents the universal archetype； when it es to the 'intelligent' being。 This fact has long been known to science…fiction afficionados and UFO contactees。 Alien beings； from no matter which part of the galaxy they might hail； inevitably bear a striking resemblance to man。 There are the occasional variations in height and cranial dimensions； but for the most part our cosmic cousins are a pretty reasonable facsimile of ourselves。 Many even speak good English； often with a pronounced American accent。 Such facts can hardly be argued with。 They are evidence； should any really be needed； of a cosmic masterplan； and sufficient in themselves to serve friend atheist up with a wok…load of egg。 Faces； for the use of。
What it all es down to； as it so often does； is the very beginning of the universe。 This； say the bigheads of the scientific fraternity； all began with a big bang。 Wrong！ The universe； in fact； began with the sound of a duck call； followed by a whistle and an enormous cosmic wind…break。 Had anyone been around at the time to overhear these sounds； they would probably have received a pretty good indication of what God had up his sleeve； amongst other places。
About five minutes after the burst of celestial flatulence； when the air had begun to clear a bit； things began to settle down into the shapes which were most fortable and efficient for them。 And so they remained。 No…one has yet improved upon the sphere as a planetary shape； nor the erect biped as its ruling species。 That's the way it is。 Like it； or lump it。 QED。
Certainly； some races evolved mentally a lot quicker than others。 The reason for this has e to be known as Duke's Principle； 'a man's gotta do； what a man's gotta do'。 Or to simplify it； they evolved quicker； because they had to。 It all depends very much upon what a particular planet has to offer in terms of pickable food； huntable animals； farmable lands and whatever。 The Trempish of Trempera； for instance； found themselves peting with huge armour…plated reptiles； carnivores with virtually impenetrable hides and seemingly insatiable appetites。 If the Trempish hadn't had the ingenuity to dig a series of baited dead…falls； distil an acid from the bark of a rare tree； tip their arrows with it and shoot the trapped beasties in their exposed pineal glands； they would surely have died out。 As it was； they hadn't； so they did！ Thus proving； that when a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do； he'd better pull his finger out and get on with it。
And so it was with the Phnaargs of Phnaargos。 Their 'gotta doing' was not immediately apparent。 They lived upon a gloriously verdant world； devoid of killer reptiles and flying scorpions； rich in natural vegetation； with a mild climate and some really knockout sunsets。 However； to wax biblical； this Eden was not without its serpent。 Only here it came in the form of the cathode ray tube。 Mankind didn't e across this miracle until its closing moments； but it wasn't so on Phnaargos。 For on Phnaargos； the cathode ray tube grew wild。 And so； at a time when humankind was still tossing rocks at the hairy elephants and experimenting with DIY in the family cave； the Phnaargs were watching TV。
Now； if it was strange that the cathode ray tube should grow wild upon a planet； then it is surely stranger still that the botanical equivalents of the video camera； the microphone； the mixing desk； the spotlight； the little monocular thing that a really duff director wears around his neck； and all the other paraphernalia necessary to television production； should similarly be blooming away； ready for the harvest。 In fact； many might be forgiven for finding it unlikely； to say the very least。 But the Almighty moves in mysterious ways； his wonders to perform。 And who are we to question his motives？
Now； with all this technology sprouting around them； one might also be forgiven for thinking that the Phnaargs were a 'race blessed of God'。 But； you'd be wrong on that one too。 For nothing could be further from the truth。 The Phnaargs were the first race ever to bee irrevocably hooked on television； the first to fall victim to the dangerous and terminally addictive radiations of the cathode ray tube。 And once infected at such an early stage in their development； they were well and truly done for。
Within a few short years of their discovery； the planet was literally forested with cultivated TV stations and the Phnaargs； almost slaves。 Those not engaged in full time viewing strove to supply the needs of those who were。 The needs soon became demands and the demands were wild。 For this was a young and primitive stock and it liked its TV meaty！
And so Duke's Principle came into effect upon Phnaargos。 The Phnaarg TV execs； finding that supply was far outstripped by demand； were forced to do something。 To boldly go where no man had gone before。 To seek out new worlds and new civilizations。 And televise them。
And such it was； that by a rare freak of chance； which suddenly makes all the foregoing relevant； the Phnaargs came across Planet Earth。 Here they found man； still stoning the mammoths； whacking up the murals and generally minding his own business。 Had he been allowed to carry on with these trivial pursuits； he would probably be doing so even now。 But the visiting Phnaargs were not slow to realize the potential of mankind's development as great TV material。 They wasted little time in setting up their horticultural transmitters and getting on with the show。 And the rest； like it or like it not； is history。
The series became an overnight success。 The Phnaargian viewers took to this 'everyday story of simple folk' like Teds to a tapered trouser； and The Earthers became the most popular series in the history of the universe。
Now； on the face of it； this might appear to be harmless enough stuff； a race； hopelessly addicted to television； watching the exploits of another。 And so it might possibly have remained； but for the Phnaarg viewing public's fanatical craving for 'a bit of action'。 Much against their better judgement； the producers of The Earthers found themselves forced to help things along a bit。
It all began in a small way； with fire； the wheel and language。 The Earthers just didn't seem to be getting the hang of them。 And as the series was now running prime…time； there seemed good reason to slip all these into one weekly episode； to get the ball rolling。
The fact that this was done has always been vigorously denied by the producers； as have suggestions that they have been doing likewise ever since。 Continually tampering with Earth history to keep the ratings up。 The Phnaargian tabloids have made scandalous assertions that certain popular figures have been 'reincarnated' over the centuries； and even that some of the major roles have been played by Phnaargian actors dressed up to look like Earthers。
Whether there is any truth in this isn't easy to say； the producers of the series wisely having kept the precise location of Planet Earth to themselves as a simple precaution against nosy parkers。 But the fact that next week's episode of The Earthers is always previewed in the television papers should be enough to raise the occasional suspicion。
However； by the Earth year 2050 viewing figures on Phnaargos were tailing off dramatically。 And viewers； miffed that their favourites had got the chop in the Nuclear Holocaust Event； an episode which achieved the biggest ever ratings and won several much…coveted awards； were switching off in droves。 The idea of watching a rather undistinguished cast of scabby…looking individuals； whose lives apparently revolved around watching television； was of very little interest。 It was so far…fetched； for one thing。
And so it came to be that on a May morning； when summer was the season； the executive team of Earthers Inc。 held a very special meeting。 The boardroom perched； high in the spiral leafbound plex。 The Phnaargian sun； Rupert； nudged a golden ray or two down towards the broad and membraned picture…window； where； tinted to a subtle rose…pink； they fell upon the exquisite table of Goldenwood which grew in the centre of the room。 The room itself was another marvel of horticultural architecture。 A masterpiece； designed and grown by the leading 'hortitect' of the day； Capability Crabshaw。
Crabshaw's current passion was for the work of the late and legendary Vita Sackville…West。 This was reflected in this year's boardroom 'look'。 The chairs were the product of painstaking topiary work； performed upon box hedges。 The svelte grass carpeting the floor was sewn with t