unlikely quartet in literary history。 Being： a risen…from…the…ranks bunker…boy； whose promotional prospects had never looked grimmer； a visitor from another star； who really wished he wasn't； his divine unholiness the Dalai Lama； now unemployed； and a time…travelling Elvis Presley with a sprout in his head。
And they say nothing is new。 Bah； humbug！
'The way I see it； Barry；' said Elvis； addressing the Time Sprout。 'This could be a very dynamite show。' Inside the King's cerebellum Barry the sprout （he had chosen the name himself） nodded thoughtfully。
'This is； I think； chief； where Rex really es into his own。'
'Oh yes？' Rex； who had been silently fulminating upon life in general； and his own in particular； turned sulkily at the mention of his name。 'And how might that be？'
'Deductive reasoning；' said friend sprout。 'You surely don't think that sheer chance led us here？'
'Cruel fate； more like。'
'Lighten up； chief。 There is a purpose behind everything。 Once one has divined the purpose； crystallized one's ideas； weighed up the pros and cons； taken the bull by the horns； surmounted the seemingly insurmountable； maximized one's options。。。'
Rex shook his head so violently that it made his eyes pop。 'My role so far in this has been one of exemplary stoicism。 I'm now resigned to the conclusion that life makes no sense whatsoever。 I shall now； I think； go it alone。'
'And which way might you go； chief？'
Rex glanced over at the Sneaky Reekie； which was now making determined tick tock noises。 'I am cogitating；' he replied。
'Rex is probably cogitating upon the secret trapdoor；' said Fergus Shaman； casually。 Three pairs of eyes turned simultaneously upon him。
'Trapdoor；' Fergus reiterated； pre…empting the obvious joint response。 'It's definitely on file； I recall it from when we first set up the Rex scenari。。。 oh。' His glance met that of Rex。
'Rex scenario；' said that man； very slowly。
'A star must always have options； as long as they are logical of course。 A star。。。' But unfortunately the word star was already suffering from the law of diminishing returns。 Rex Mundi punched Fergus Shaman on the nose。
'Easy there； big fella；' Elvis stepped forward to restrain Rex from further demonstrations of displeasure。 'If the alien dude says there's a trapdoor； let's not punch his lights out for it。'
Rex shook him off。 Fergus nursed his beak whilst Dan sniggered silently。 Bloodied noses seemed to have bee something of a vogue lately； thought he。
'It's just possible；' said Rex in a tone which implied supreme unlikelihood； 'that I might even bee more furious than I am now。 I have been callously manipulated； at the very least； by everyone in this bunker and possibly； for all I know； others beyond number。 I will have no more of it。 I shall stay here and die like a man。 Better it is to die on one's feet than live on one's knees。'
'Ah；' said the Sneaky Reekie； 'I think I have ironed out the problem。 A bit of oil in the carburettor。 That's better； now where was I？ Oh yes； ten； nine； eight。。。'
'To the trapdoor；' cried Rex。
29
。。。 the underground； yes； it was very much that。 Amongst the network of metro…links； service tunnels； ventilation shafts； disused military installations； cellars； basements and vaults； the inner councils met。 Plotted and planned。 Started off； I guess； with NHE survivors trapped down there。 They managed to tap into the synthafood pipes leading from the plants far below and the power lines。 So once you have food and power you are up and running。 The word of the Book gave hope。 From the few remaining town planners' blueprints we burrowed up to what bunkers we could。 Came across a lot of dead folk back then。 But we had our successes。 Just kept passing the word along。
The Suburban Book of the Dead
'So you see； Rex。' Fergus Shaman edged along in the near darkness； beyond the punishing range of Rex's fist。 'Your uncle was something of a revolutionary himself。'
'But what exactly did he want？'
'Same as all revolutionaries want。 The genuine ones anyway。 Create Utopia； destroy tyranny； win freedom； that kind of thing。'
'So you are telling me that there is an entire revolutionary army down here awaiting mobilization？' Rex found a sudden spring creeping into his step。
'Well； actually no。' Fergus lightened his own footsteps。 'Regretfully no。'
'Go on then； tell me the worst。'
'Someone got to them。 We don't know who； perhaps it was a what。 But something wiped them all out。'
'I don't like the sound of no what。' Elvis cuffed Dan in the ear to place an accent upon his words。 'I'll settle for a who。 Some stooly sold them out to the Feds。' Cuff； cuff。
'Possibly so；' Fergus shrugged。 'We could never get a foothold down here； so we may never know for certain。'
'So they could all still be here。' Rex's optimism surprised even himself。
'They're not；' said Fergus。
You're damned right they're not； thought Dan； 'You'll get yours pal；' he told Elvis。
Back in Aunty Norma's bunker； the Sneaky Reekie appeared to have bee a graduate of the Deathblade Eric School of Discorporate Numerics。 'Seven 。。。 six 。。。 eight； no； seven。。。 eight。。。 nine； no； nine seven； oh buggeration；' swore the frustrated killing machine。 'Zero and。。。'
A violent shock rocked the passage and sent the odd quartet reeling。 Something big and bad had just gone boom somewhere above them。 But on this occasion as upon the last； it wasn't the Sneaky Reekie。
Rex struggled to his feet。 'Things are being very dangerous indeed；' he plained。 'The unrecycled excrement seems to have made contact with the rotating segment of the atmospheric circulator； to coin a phrase。'
'Something like。' Elvis agreed。 'Anyone know where we are； for Chrissakes？'
'You're in deep shit；' said Dan。 His outspokenness was rewarded in summary fashion。 'Ouch；' he added。
'I still find it hard to believe that my uncle was a revolutionary。' Rex made as to dust himself down； but the futility of the action was not slow in the dawning。 He could no longer see the point。 Nor could he see very much else as he felt his way along in the gloom。 And what he could see； he knew to be illuminated by the generations of active fallout which had soaked down into the passages。 It wasn't all that encouraging no matter how you viewed it。 'He was certainly an idealist； Uncle； for whatever that got him。'
'He taught you the trick with the eyes； though。'
'Trick with the eyes？' Dan voiced a sudden interest。
'Taught Rex how to sleep with his eyes open。 Fool the EYESPI； clock up credits without having to suffer the rubbish on…screen。'
'Did he now？' Dan sensed rather than saw the swing Elvis took at his ear； and nimbly sidestepped it。 'Smart trick。'
Rex turned suddenly upon Dan。 'That why you killed him？'
Dan stared him eye to eye。 'You'd best keep your options open； Rex。 You never know when you might need them。' Rex heard that； but no…one else did。 Not even the telepathic sprout。
Mungo Madoc inhabited his boardroom chair。 The boardroom board watched him and shared feelings of unease。 Like the Magi of old； they were awaiting a sign。 A star in the heavens； perhaps？ Or perhaps not。 A simple nod of the head or twitch of the forefinger might well have alleviated the tension somewhat。 But Mungo did nothing。 He sat and he stared and he stared。 Mungo was muning with the backers。 The switchboard girls had pulled the plugs and made their strategic withdrawal to the staff canteen； secure in the knowledge that unruly mobs were unlikely to besiege the building； seeking heads。 Nothing was going to drag the population away from their television sets。 For the first time ever these were now actually showing The Earthers in its full； unedited glory。 Dan； Rex and Elvis might be lacking； but the violent spectacle of two of Earth's largest religious organizations blasting seven bells of unrecycled excrement out of each other was far too good to miss。 And with Dan gone； and Gloria still an unknown quantity； allegiances were already starting to shift。
Mungo lurched suddenly forward； loosening the weaker bladders。
'Right；' said he。 'I have been in lengthy munication with the backers and you will be pleased to hear that they are willing to sanction Morgawr's Armageddon scenario。 With one or two minor changes which need not concern any of you here。 Now let us be one hundred per cent clear on the situation as it now stands。 The series as we know it； is shortly to be brought to an end。' He put up his hands against the outcry。 'A great deal of thought has gone into this； I can assure you。 But this series； like any other； had only a limited budget and the backers are not prepared to extend it any longer。 No backing； no budget； no series。 Morgawr； stop that man。。。'
'Too late。' Morgawr gazed down from the open window； the falling body diminished and was gone。
Mungo shook his head and snuffled at a lapel flower； savouring the heavily narcotized scent。 'Now； before any more of you make such an ill…considered move； I suggest that you just hear me out。' The board members settled themselves down； loosening ties and gulping water。 'We have all tried to keep this series going as long as poss