'Up there； sitting in cryogenic suspension。 We Phnaargs are of vegetable origin； you know。 I've been in cold storage。 Just waiting for the big day to thaw out。'
'Big day？' Rex gazed down at his battered book。
'Sure； when the big secret would be disclosed。 You've read the book； what do you think it is？'
'I've tried to read it。 But from what I can gather it all seems to be some kind of quest。 A search for something which was never found。'
'He found it。' Jovil pointed towards Dan； who was seeking invisibility with no apparent success。
'Oh； I'm in this again； am I？' croaked the stinker。 'And what did I find； pray tell me； do？'
'It's all in Rex's book。 The book you killed his uncle to get your hands on。 The location of the K carbon containing the Ultimate Secret of the Universe。' （What else？ Rex thought。） 'It was the last item checked in by the Department Of Antiquities。 After you had it you closed down the mission。 So why didn't you use it？'
'Sorry to disappoint you； but I closed the mission down because they were all on the fiddle。 Of Universal Secrets my cupboard is bare。'
All faces now turned back to Jovil Jspht。
'I think not。' Jovil sprang from his chair like the legendary sleuth of old； plunged across the room and drew the SUN recording from the holophon。
'Hey； shit；' said Elvis； as the thing passed him by at dose quarters； 'that looks like one of mine。'
'And a load of old brain damage it is too。 Remember my eyeballs； Gloria？'
'I' m not speaking to you；' that lady replied。 'You're not nice。'
…'Well； whacky stuff it may be。 But Secret of the Universe it ain't。'
'Oh no？ Well that's where you're wrong； schmucko。' Jovil turned the plasticized disc between his fingers。 'Because you have been playing the wrong side。' Great roars of applause from the bunker…bound '。。。Foiled again。' Dan struck his fist into his palm and made with the melodrama。 'Do leave me out。 Secret of the Universe； if you please。' The only person looking in his direction was Ms Vrillium。 'I ask you；' said Dan。
'Shitbag；' the woman with the perfect waistline replied。
Jovil held the record's flip…side towards Rex。 'You know old English； Rex； what does it say？'
Rex perused it。 Faintly etched upon the ancient vinyl was a pentade enclosed within two circles and between these a single word： TETRAGRAMMATON。
Rex spelt it out。 Those who were in the know went Blimey； Cor； and things of that nature。 Those who weren't； and this included Rex； asked； 'What's a Tetra…grammaton； when he she or it is at home？'
'Tetragrammaton；' sighed Christeen； who could feel another 2000 years of obscurity ing on。 'The four syllables which pose the unknowable name of God。 A name so sacred that none may know it。 To speak the name is to unlock the ultimate power in the universe。'
'Some big number；' said Elvis。
'Got the edge on killer maggots； eh Fergus？' Fergus nodded。 It was all well beyond him。
'But you couldn't know this；' Christeen stared at Jovil Jspht； who wilted visibly beneath her gaze。 'No…one can know this。 That is the point。'
Dan was searching for an exit。 None was readily at hand。
'Ask your brother；' said Jovil。 'He put me up to it。 He was the brains behind the whole operation。'
Jesus shrugged modestly； he knew no other way。 'What did I preach？' he asked。 'Love and peace。 And I tried really hard in the 1960s to get it across。 It was all there in the music； Jovil and I saw to that。 You only had to listen。 And perhaps turn on a little； but that is neither here nor there。 Some did； of course； but not enough。 So I had Jovil programme a tiny piece of the jigsaw into all of it。 Into the music。 And it got pieced back together by a chosen few。 It's all in there。 All you have to do is play it。'
'The name of God；' said Rex。 Impressed was hardly the word。
'The Name。 The Sound。 The Universal Note。 It was always there in all the world's music。 You only had to listen。 All the universe is posed of a single note。 All atoms and all molecules are but vibrations of a single note。 The big note。 The Buddha sussed it out。 Which makes the present incarnation of this blighter' … Dan flinched … 'all the more perverse。'
'And where； exactly； does this leave me？' asked Christeen sulkily。 'Out of the picture again I suppose。'
Jesus shook his head。 You should have seen it； a picture； I kid you not。 'It's here。' A small black book appeared in his hand。 He offered it to Christeen。 'Even now a baby moves within you。 Rex's child。 You are to be the mother of Mankind。'
'Another TV series？' Christeen took the book。 It was entitled The Third Testament。 She opened it。 The pages were blank。
'No more series；' said Jesus。 'Dad may have a sense of humour but he also has a sense of justice。 You can write it yourself。 Put the record on； Rex。 Play us a tune。'
Rex's fingers trembled。 He was going to bee the father to a child whose grandfather was。。。 'Yes；' said Rex Mundi； who still hadn't figured out what his name really meant。 'Put the record on； indeed。' He placed it reverently upon the turntable。 'What are the settings？' he asked。
'Play Loud；' Jesus replied。 'That's the way we did it back in the sixties。' Nice fellow； the future brother…in…law； thought Rex。
And I saw a new Heaven and a new Earth； for the old Heaven and the old Earth were passed away。
Revelation 21：1
And the word of the Tetragrammaton played upon the turntable。 And God said； Let there be light and there was light。 And was it a sound？ Was it a note？ Was it a something？ It was Hendrix at Woodstock as the sun was rising。 The Stones in Hyde Park。 Pink Floyd at The Roundhouse。 The Grateful Dead at Winterland； San Francisco。 It was Beefheart at his best。 And it was all those marvellous moments you ever had all rolled into a great big one。
It was hard to describe really。 You know that amazing bit at the end of 'Day in the Life'？ It was a bit like that； only much more so。
The Universal Note。 I mean； like； Wow man。
At Earthers Inc。 the cone of light faded and died。 The circuits fused and the network closed down。 The great spiral tower sagged and fell。
'And that's all the thanks I get；' mumbled Mungo； as he of the Nose Divine； a not inconsiderable deity in his own right but hardly on a par with the Big Figure； squeezed his pimple and saturated the Phnaargian universe with you know what。
On Earth a great wind tore across the sky。 The clouds flew before it。 They rolled back； drew themselves into a swirling vortex and spun into the heavens。 The sun shown down upon the tortured landscape。 And a cry went up。 Bunker doors opened upon the new day。 Pale faces gazed toward the sky。 Blinking and wondering； the denizens of the sub…world crept forth to view the new world。 For already the world was turning。 The irradiated wastes were vanishing。 Lush fields spread to every side； rivers flowed； trees rose and blossomed。 That which had been done was undone。 The gates of the city were open to the fingers of the sun。
It was now or never for the ex…High Lama。 Dan made a break for it。 He grabbed Gloria about the throat and dragged her towards the lift door。 Elvis spun around and let fly。 Beams of fire ripped across the room； wreaking havoc。 Dan thrust Gloria into Elvis。 'You haven't heard the last of me；' he cried in the traditional manner。 Fergus Shaman shot him in the backside。 The lift doors opened and Dan staggered through them into the waiting knives and forks of Rambo and Eric。
'The main course。' Rambo raised his filleting knife and did something quite unprintable。 The lift doors closed mercifully upon it。
'That isn't exactly in the script；' said Jesus。 'But it does have a certain charm。 I think we'll leave it in。'
'Shall I be mother？' came the muffled voice of Death…blade Eric。
Jesus turned to Christeen。 'It's all up to you now。 You and Rex。 Make it right this time。' And without even waiting for a thank you； he vanished。 Which was just like him； wouldn't you say？
'Well；' said Rex； the way that formerly only the great Jack Benny had been able to say it； 'what a day this has been。'
'Started poorly but finished well；' Fergus added。 'Although I'm not exactly sure where it leaves me。'
'Redundant；' said Jovil Jspht。 'I think you will find that we are no longer required。'
'I haven't a spaceship any more；' Fergus plained。 'And even if I had。。。'
'I have；' said Jovil。 'The top of this pyramid。 Designed it myself。 Works on a principle which even I conclude is scarcely credible。 But who cares； eh？ Shall we away； new worlds to conquer and that kind of thing？'
'Sounds good to me。' Fergus waved his farewells； but as everyone seemed to be gazing out of the windows； oohing and aahing； they were largely ignored。 'Do you think we will find a planet where all the ladies have big 。。 。' His words were lost as the Mastermind chair carried him and Jovil aloft。
Rex took Christeen in his arms。 Violins welled in the background。 No doubt a wedding present from the brother。 Christeen smiled up at Rex and kissed him。 An old couple in a bunker who had only just switched on said； 'Ah； bless 'em。' Christeen turned her face toward Elvis who was scuffing his advanced footware upon the carp