the cost- 第35部分

〃It　seems　to　me　I'll　never　be　able　to　look　youor　myselfin　the　face　again；〃　he　said　at　last。

〃I　didn't　know　it　was　in　me　toto　take　advantage　of　a　woman's　helplessness。〃

〃I　wanted　you　to　do　what　you　did；〃　she　said　simply。

He　shook　his　head。　　〃You　are　generous；〃　he　answered。　　〃But　I　deserve　nothing　but　your　contempt。〃

〃I　wanted　you　to　do　it；〃　she　repeated。　　She　was　under　the　spell　of　her　love　and　of　his　touch。　　She　was　clutching　to　save　what　she　could；　was　desperately　hoping　it　might　not　be　so　little　as　she　feared。　　〃I　had　thethe　same　impulse　that　you　had。〃　　She　looked　at　him　timidly；　with　a　pleading　smile。　　〃And　please　don't　say　you're　sorry　you　did　it；　even　if　you　feel　so。　　You'll　think　me　very　boldI　know　it　isn't　proper　for　young　women　to　make　such　admissions。　　Butdon't　reproach　yourselfplease！〃

If　she　could　have　looked　into　his　mind　as　he　stood　there；　crushed　and　degraded　in　his　own　eyes；　she　would　have　been　a　little　consoledfor；　in　defiance　of　his　self…scorn　and　self…hate；　his　nerves　were　tingling　with　the　memory　of　that　delirium；　and　his　brain　was　throbbing　with　the　surge　of　impulses　long　dormant；　now　imperious。　　But　she　was　not　even　looking　toward　himfor；　through　her　sense　of　shame；　of　wounded　pride；　her　love　was　clamoring　to　her　to　cry　out：　　〃Take　me　in　your　arms　again！　　I　care　not　on　what　terms；　only　take　me　and　hold　me　and　kiss　me。〃

The　rain　presently　ceased　as　abruptly　as　it　had　begun　and　they　returned　under　the　dripping　leaves　to　the　highroad。　　She　glanced　anxiously　at　him　as　they　walked　toward　the　town；　but　he　did　not　speak。　　She　saw　that　if　the　silence　was　to　be　broken；　she　must　break　it。

〃What　can　I　say　to　convince　you？〃　she　asked；　as　if　not　he　but　she　were　the　offender。

He　did　not　answer。

〃Won't　you　look　at　me；　please？〃

He　looked；　the　color　mounting　in　his　cheeks；　his　eyes　unsteady。

〃Now；　tell　me　you'll　not　make　me　suffer　because　you　fancy　you've　wronged　me。　　Isn't　it　ungallant　of　you　to　act　this　way　after　I've　humiliated　myself　to　confess　I　didn't　mind？〃

〃Thank　you；〃　he　said　humbly；　and　looked　away。

〃You　won't　have　it　that　I　was　in　the　least　responsible？〃　　She　was　teasing　him　nowhe　was　plainly　unaware　of　the　meaning　of　her　yielding。　　〃He's　so　modest；〃　she　thought；　and　went　on：　　〃You　won't　permit　me　to　flatter　myself　I　was　a　temptation　too　strong　even　for　your　iron　heart；　Don　Quixote？〃

He　flushed　scarlet；　and　the　suspicion；　the　realization　of　the　truth　set　her　eyes　to　flashing。

〃It's　before　another　woman　he's　abasing　himself；〃　she　thought；　〃not　before　me。　　He　isn't　even　thinking　of　me。〃　　When　she　spoke　her　tone　was　cold　and　sneering：　　〃I　hope　she　will　forgive　you。　　She　certainly　would　if　she　could　know　what　a　paladin　you　are。〃

He　winced；　but　did　not　answer。　　At　the　road　up　the　bluffs　she　paused　and　there　was　an　embarrassed　silence。　　Then　he　poured　out　abrupt　sentences：

〃It　was　doubly　base。　　I　betrayed　your　friendly　trust；　I　was　false　to　her。　　Don't　misunderstandshe's　nothing　to　me。　　She's　nothing　to　me；　yet　everything。　　I　began　really　to　live　when　I　began　to　love　her。　　Andevery　one　must　have　aa　pole…star。　　And　she's　minethe　star　I　sail　by；　and　always　must。　　And〃　　He　halted　altogether；　then　blundered　on：　　〃I　shall　not　forgive　myself。　　But　yoube　mercifulforgive　meforget　it！〃

〃I　shall　do　neither；〃　she　replied　curtly；　jealousy　and　vanity　stamping　down　the　generous　impulse　that　rose　in　response　to　his　appeal。　　And　she　went　up　her　road。　　A　few　yards　and　she　paused；　hoping　to　hear　him　coming　after　her。　　A　few　yards　more　and　she　sat　down　on　a　big　boulder　by　the　wayside。　　Until　now　all　the　wishes　of　her　life　had　been　more　or　less　material；　had　been　wishes　which　her　wealth　or　the　position　her　wealth　gave　had　enabled　her　instantly　to　gratify。　　She　buried　her　face　in　her　arms　and　sobbed　and　rocked　herself　to　and　fro；　in　a　cyclone　of　anger；　and　jealousy；　and　shame；　and　love；　and　despair。

〃I　hate　him！〃　she　exclaimed　between　clenched　teeth。　　〃I　hate　him；　butif　he　came　and　wanted　me；　oh；　how　I　would　LOVE　him！〃

Meanwhile　Pauline　was　at　her　father's。

〃He　isn't　down　yet；〃　said　her　mother。　　〃You　know；　he　doesn't　finish　dressing　nowadays　until　he　has　read　the　papers　and　his　mail。　　Then　he　walks　in　the　garden。〃

〃I'll　go　there；〃　said　Pauline。　　〃Won't　you　bring　him　when　he's　ready？〃

She　never　entered　the　garden　that　the　ghosts　of　her　childhoodhow　far；　far　it　seemed！did　not　join　her；　brushing　against　her；　or　rustling　in　tree　and　bush　and　leafy　trellis。　　She　paused　at　the　end　of　the　long　arbor　and　sat　on　the　rustic　bench　there。　　A　few　feet　away　was　the　bed　of　lilies…of…the…valley。　　Every　spring　of　her　childhood　she　used　to　run　from　the　house　on　the　first　warm　morning　and　hurry　to　it；　and　if　her　glance　raised　her　hopes　she　would　kneel　upon　the　young　grass　and　lower　her　head　until　her　long　golden　hair　touched　the　black　ground；　and　the　soil　that　had　been　hard　and　cold　all　winter　would　be　cracked　open　this　way　and　that；　and　from　the　cracks　would　issue　an　odorthe　odor　of　life。　　And　as　she　would　peer　into　each　crack　in　turn　she　would　see；　down；　away　down；　the　pale　tip　of　what　she　knew　to　be　an　up…shooting　slender　shaft。　　And　her　heart　would　thrill　with　joy；　for　she　knew　that　the　shafts　would　presently　rise　green　above　the　black　earth；　would　unfold；　would　blossom；　would　bloom；　would　fling　from　tremulous　bells　a　perfumed　proclamation　of　the　arrival　of　spring。

As　she　sat　waiting；　it　seemed　to　her　that　through　the　black　earth　of　her　life　she　could　see　and　feel　the　backward　heralds　of　her　spring〃after　the　long　winter；〃　she　said　to　herself。

She　glanced　upher　father　coming　toward　her。　　He　was　alone；　was　holding　a　folded　letter　uncertainly　in　his　hand。　　He　looked　at　her；　his　eyes　full　of　pity　and　grief。　　〃Pauline；〃　he　began；　〃has　everything　beenbeen　wellof　late　between　you　andyour　husband？〃

She　started。　　〃No；　father；〃　she　replied。　　Then；　looking　at　him　with　clear　directness：　　〃I've　not　been　showing　you　and　mother　the　truth　about　John　and　menot　for　a　long　time。〃

She　saw　that　her　answer　relieved　him。　　He　hesitated；　held　out　the　letter。

〃The　best　way　is　for　you　to　read　it；〃　he　said。　　It　was　a　letter　to　him　from　Fanshaw。　　He　was　writing；　he　explained；　because　the　discharge　of　a　painful　duty　to　himself　would　compel　him　〃to　give　pain　to　your　daughter　whom　I　esteem　highly；〃　and　he　thought　it　only　right　〃to　prepare　her　and　her　family　for　what　was　coming；　in　order　that　they　might　be　ready　to　take　the　action　that　would　suggest　itself。〃　　And　he　went　on　to　relate　his　domestic　troubles　and　his　impending　suit。

〃Poor　Leonora！〃　murmured　Pauline；　as　she　finished　and　sat　thinking　of　all　that　Fanshaw's　letter　involved。

〃Is　it　true；　Polly？〃　asked　her　father。

She　gave　a　great　sigh　of　relief。　　How　easy　this　letter　had　made　all　that　she　had　been　dreading！　　〃Yesit's　true；〃　she　replied。　　〃I've　known　aboutabout　it　ever　since　the　time　I　came　back　from　the　East　and　didn't　return。〃

The　habitual　pallor　of　her　father's　face　changed　to　gray。

〃I　left　him；　father。〃　　She　lifted　her　head；　impatient　of　her　stammering。　　A　bright　flush　was　in　her　face　as　she　went　on　rapidly：　　〃And　I　came　to…day　to　tell　you　the　whole　storyto　be　truthful　and　honest　again。　　I'm　sick　of　deception　and　evasion。　　I　can't　stand　it　any　longerI　mustn't。　　Iyou　don't　know　how　I've　shrunk　from　wounding　mother　and　you。　　But　I've　no　choice　now。　　Father；　I　must　be　freefree！〃

〃And　you　shall　be；〃　replied　her　father。　　〃He　shall　not　wreck　your　life　and　Gardiner's。〃　

Pauline　stared　at　him。　　〃Father！〃　she　exclaimed。

He　put　his　arm　round　her　and　drew　her　gently　to　him。

〃I　know　the　idea　is　repellent；〃　he　said；　as　if　he　were　trying　to　persuade　a　child。　　〃But　it's　right；　Pauline。　　There　are　cases　in　which　not　to　divorce　would　be　a　sin。　　I　hope　my　daughter　sees　that　this　is　one。〃

〃I　don't　understand；〃　she　said　confusedly。　　〃I　thought　you　and　mother　believed　divorce　was　dreadfulno　matter　what　might　happen。〃

〃We　did；　Pauline。　　But　wethat　is；　Ihad　never　had　it　brought　home。　　A　hint　of　this　story　was　published　just　after　you　came　last　year。　　I　thought　it　false；　but　it　set　me　to　thinking。　　‘If　your　daughter's　husband　had　turned　out　to　be　as　you　once　thought　him；　would　it　be　right　for　her　to　live　on　with　him？　　To　live　a　lie；　to　pretend　to　keep　her　vows　to　love　and　honor　him？　　Would　it　be　right　to　condemn　Gardiner　to　be　poisoned　by　such　a　father？'　　And　at　last　I　saw　the　truth；　and　your　mother　agreed　with　me。　　We　had　been　too　narrow。　　We　had　been　laying　down　our　own　notions　as　God's　great　justice。〃

Pauline　drew　away　from　her　father　so　that　she　could　look　at　him。　　And　at　last　she　saw　into　his　heart。　　〃If　I　had　only　known；〃　she　said；　and　sat　numb　and　stunned。

〃When　you　were　coming　home　from　college；〃　her　father　went　on；　〃your　mother　and　I　talked　over　what　we　should　do。　　John　had　just　confessed　your　secret　marriage〃

〃You　knew　that！〃

〃Yes；　and　we　understood；　Polly。　　You　were　so　youngso　headstrongand　you　couldn't　appreciate　our　reasons。〃

Pauline's　brain　was　reeling。

〃Your　mother　and　I　talked　it　over　before　you　got　home　and　thought　it　best　to　leave　you　entirely　free　to　choose。　　But　when　we　saw　you　overcome　by　joy〃

〃Don't！〃　she　interrupted；　her　voice　a　cry　of　pain。　　〃I　can't　bear　it！　　Don't！〃　　Years　of　false　self…sacrifice；