of gold； as if to make sure that the amount was correct。 'Do what you
please with it。'
〃I confess that I was ready to fling myself at his feet； to tell him
that I was a thief； a scoundrel； and； worse than all； a liar！ But a
feeling of shame held me back。 I went up to him for an embrace； but he
gently pushed me away。
〃 'You are a man now； MY CHILD；' he said。 'What I have just done was a
very proper and simple thing； for which there is no need to thank me。
If I have any claim to your gratitude； Raphael；' he went on； in a kind
but dignified way； 'it is because I have preserved your youth from the
evils that destroy young men in Paris。 We will be two friends
henceforth。 In a year's time you will be a doctor of law。 Not without
some hardship and privations you have acquired the sound knowledge and
the love of； and application to； work that is indispensable to public
men。 You must learn to know me； Raphael。 I do not want to make either
an advocate or a notary of you； but a statesman； who shall be the
pride of our poor house。 。 。 。 Good…night；' he added。
〃From that day my father took me fully into confidence。 I was an only
son； and ten years before； I had lost my mother。 In time past my
father； the head of a historic family remembered even now in Auvergne；
had come to Paris to fight against his evil star； dissatisfied at the
prospect of tilling the soil； with his useless sword by his side。 He
was endowed with the shrewdness that gives the men of the south of
France a certain ascendency when energy goes with it。 Almost unaided；
he made a position for himself near the fountain of power。 The
revolution brought a reverse of fortune； but he had managed to marry
an heiress of good family； and； in the time of the Empire； appeared to
be on the point of restoring to our house its ancient splendor。
〃The Restoration； while it brought back considerable property to my
mother； was my father's ruin。 He had formerly purchased several
estates abroad； conferred by the Emperor on his generals； and now for
ten years he struggled with liquidators； diplomatists； and Prussian
and Bavarian courts of law； over the disputed possession of these
unfortunate endowments。 My father plunged me into the intricate
labyrinths of law proceedings on which our future depended。 We might
be compelled to return the rents； as well as the proceeds arising from
sales of timber made during the years 1814 to 1817； in that case my
mother's property would have barely saved our credit。 So it fell out
that the day on which my father in a fashion emancipated me； brought
me under a most galling yoke。 I entered on a conflict like a
battlefield； I must work day and night； seek interviews with
statesmen； surprise their convictions； try to interest them in our
affairs； and gain them over； with their wives and servants； and their
very dogs； and all this abominable business had to take the form of
pretty speeches and polite attentions。 Then I knew the mortifications
that had left their blighting traces on my father's face。 For about a
year I led outwardly the life of a man of the world； but enormous
labors lay beneath the surface of gadding about； and eager efforts to
attach myself to influential kinsmen； or to people likely to be useful
to us。 My relaxations were lawsuits； and memorials still furnished the
staple of my conversation。 Hitherto my life had been blameless； from
the sheer impossibility of indulging the desires of youth； but now I
became my own master； and in dread of involving us both in ruin by
some piece of negligence； I did not dare to allow myself any pleasure
or expenditure。
〃While we are young； and before the world has rubbed off the delicate
bloom from our sentiments； the freshness of our impressions； the noble
purity of conscience which will never allow us to palter with evil；
the sense of duty is very strong within us； the voice of honor clamors
within us； and we are open and straightforward。 At that time I was all
these things。 I wished to justify my father's confidence in me。 But
lately I would have stolen a paltry sum from him； with secret delight；
but now that I shared the burden of his affairs； of his name and of
his house； I would secretly have given up my fortune and my hopes for
him； as I was sacrificing my pleasures； and even have been glad of the
sacrifice！ So when M。 de Villele exhumed； for our special benefit； an
imperial decree concerning forfeitures； and had ruined us； I
authorized the sale of my property； only retaining an island in the
middle of the Loire where my mother was buried。 Perhaps arguments and
evasions； philosophical； philanthropic； and political considerations
would not fail me now； to hinder the perpetration of what my solicitor
termed a 'folly'； but at one…and…twenty； I repeat； we are all aglow
with generosity and affection。 The tears that stood in my father's
eyes were to me the most splendid of fortunes； and the thought of
those tears has often soothed my sorrow。 Ten months after he had paid
his creditors； my father died of grief； I was his idol； and he had
ruined me！ The thought killed him。 Towards the end of the autumn of
1826； at the age of twenty…two； I was the sole mourner at his
gravesidethe grave of my father and my earliest friend。 Not many
young men have found themselves alone with their thoughts as they
followed a hearse； or have seen themselves lost in crowded Paris； and
without money or prospects。 Orphans rescued by public charity have at
any rate the future of the battlefield before them； and find a shelter
in some institution and a father in the government or in the procureur
du roi。 I had nothing。
〃Three months later； an agent made over to me eleven hundred and
twelve francs； the net proceeds of the winding up of my father's
affairs。 Our creditors had driven us to sell our furniture。 From my
childhood I had been used to set a high value on the articles of
luxury about us； and I could not help showing my astonishment at the
sight of this meagre balance。
〃 'Oh； rococo； all of it！' said the auctioneer。 A terrible word that
fell like a blight on the sacred memories of my childhood； and
dispelled my earliest illusions； the dearest of all。 My entire fortune
was comprised in this 'account rendered；' my future lay in a linen bag
with eleven hundred and twelve francs in it； human society stood
before me in the person of an auctioneer's clerk； who kept his hat on
while he spoke。 Jonathan； an old servant who was much attached to me；
and whom my mother had formerly pensioned with an annuity of four
hundred francs； spoke to me as I was leaving the house that I had so
often gaily left for a drive in my childhood。
〃 'Be very economical； Monsieur Raphael！'
〃The good fellow was crying。
〃Such were the events； dear Emile； that ruled my destinies； moulded my
character； and set me； while still young； in an utterly false social
position；〃 said Raphael after a pause。 〃Family ties； weak ones； it is
true； bound me to a few wealthy houses； but my own pride would have
kept me aloof from them if contempt and indifference had not shut
their doors on me in the first place。 I was related to people who were
very influential； and who lavished their patronage on strangers； but I
found neither relations nor patrons in them。 Continually circumscribed
in my affections； they recoiled upon me。 Unreserved and simple by
nature； I must have appeared frigid and sophisticated。 My father's
discipline had destroyed all confidence in myself。 I was shy and
awkward； I could not believe that my opinion carried any weight
whatever； I took no pleasure in myself； I thought myself ugly； and was
ashamed to meet my own eyes。 In spite of the inward voice that must be
the stay of a man with anything in him； in all his struggles； the
voice that cries； 'Courage！ Go forward！' in spite of sudden
revelations of my own strength in my solitude； in spite of the hopes
that thrilled me as I compared new works； that the public admired so
much； with the schemes that hovered in my brain；in spite of all
this； I had a childish mistrust of myself。
〃An overweening ambition preyed upon me； I believed that I was meant
for great things； and yet I felt myself to be nothing。 I had need of
other men； and I was friendless。 I found I must make my way in the
world； where I was quite alone； and bashful； rather than afraid。
〃All through the year in which； by my father's wish； I threw myself
into the whirlpool of fashionable society； I came away with an
inexperienced heart； and fresh in mind。 Like every grown child； I
sighed in secret for a love affair。 I met； among young men of my own
age； a set of swaggerers who held their heads high； and talked about
trifles as they seated themselves without a tremor beside women who
inspired awe in me。 They chattered nonsense； sucked the heads of their
canes； gave themselves affected airs； appropriated the fairest women；
and laid； or pretended that they had laid their heads on every pillow。
Pleasure； seemingly； was at their beck and call； they looked on the
most virtuous and prudish as an easy prey； ready to surrender at a
word； at the slightest impudent gesture or insolent look。 I declare；
on my soul and conscience； that