in showers as we went out。 Foedora's carriage was unable to reach the
doorway of the theatre。 At the sight of a well…dressed woman about to
cross the street； a commissionaire held an umbrella above us； and
stood waiting at the carriage…door for his tip。 I would have given ten
years of life just then for a couple of halfpence； but I had not a
penny。 All the man in me and all my vainest susceptibilities were
wrung with an infernal pain。 The words； 'I haven't a penny about me；
my good fellow！' came from me in the hard voice of thwarted passion；
and yet I was that man's brother in misfortune； as I knew too well；
and once I had so lightly paid away seven hundred thousand francs！ The
footman pushed the man aside； and the horses sprang forward。 As we
returned； Foedora； in real or feigned abstraction； answered all my
questions curtly and by monosyllables。 I said no more； it was a
hateful moment。 When we reached her house； we seated ourselves by the
hearth； and when the servant had stirred the fire and left us alone；
the countess turned to me with an inexplicable expression； and spoke。
Her manner was almost solemn。
〃 'Since my return to France； more than one young man； tempted by my
money； has made proposals to me which would have satisfied my pride。 I
have come across men； too； whose attachment was so deep and sincere
that they might have married me even if they had found me the
penniless girl I used to be。 Besides these； Monsieur de Valentin； you
must know that new titles and newly…acquired wealth have been also
offered to me； and that I have never received again any of those who
were so ill…advised as to mention love to me。 If my regard for you was
but slight； I would not give you this warning； which is dictated by
friendship rather than by pride。 A woman lays herself open to a rebuff
of some kind； if she imagines herself to be loved； and declines；
before it is uttered； to listen to language which in its nature
implies a compliment。 I am well acquainted with the parts played by
Arsinoe and Araminta； and with the sort of answer I might look for
under such circumstances； but I hope to…day that I shall not find
myself misconstrued by a man of no ordinary character； because I have
frankly spoken my mind。'
〃She spoke with the cool self…possession of some attorney or solicitor
explaining the nature of a contract or the conduct of a lawsuit to a
client。 There was not the least sign of feeling in the clear soft
tones of her voice。 Her steady face and dignified bearing seemed to me
now full of diplomatic reserve and coldness。 She had planned this
scene； no doubt； and carefully chosen her words beforehand。 Oh； my
friend； there are women who take pleasure in piercing hearts； and
deliberately plunge the dagger back again into the wound； such women
as these cannot but be worshiped； for such women either love or would
fain be loved。 A day comes when they make amends for all the pain they
gave us； they repay us for the pangs； the keenness of which they
recognize； in joys a hundred…fold； even as God； they tell us；
recompenses our good works。 Does not their perversity spring from the
strength of their feelings？ But to be so tortured by a woman； who
slaughters you with indifference！ was not the suffering hideous？
〃Foedora did not know it； but in that minute she trampled all my hopes
beneath her feet； she maimed my life and she blighted my future with
the cool indifference and unconscious barbarity of an inquisitive
child who plucks its wings from a butterfly。
〃 'Later on；' resumed Foedora； 'you will learn； I hope； the stability
of the affection that I keep for my friends。 You will always find that
I have devotion and kindness for them。 I would give my life to serve
my friends； but you could only despise me； if I allowed them to make
love to me without return。 That is enough。 You are the only man to
whom I have spoken such words as these last。'
〃At first I could not speak； or master the tempest that arose within
me； but I soon repressed my emotions in the depths of my soul； and
began to smile。
〃 'If I own that I love you；' I said； 'you will banish me at once； if
I plead guilty to indifference； you will make me suffer for it。 Women；
magistrates； and priests never quite lay the gown aside。 Silence is
non…committal； be pleased then； madame； to approve my silence。 You
must have feared； in some degree； to lose me； or I should not have
received this friendly admonition； and with that thought my pride
ought to be satisfied。 Let us banish all personal considerations。 You
are perhaps the only woman with whom I could discuss rationally a
resolution so contrary to the laws of nature。 Considered with regard
to your species； you are a prodigy。 Now let us investigate； in good
faith； the causes of this psychological anomaly。 Does there exist in
you； as in many women； a certain pride in self； a love of your own
loveliness； a refinement of egoism which makes you shudder at the idea
of belonging to another； is it the thought of resigning your own will
and submitting to a superiority； though only of convention； which
displeases you？ You would seem to me a thousand times fairer for it。
Can love formerly have brought you suffering？ You probably set some
value on your dainty figure and graceful appearance； and may perhaps
wish to avoid the disfigurements of maternity。 Is not this one of your
strongest reasons for refusing a too importunate love？ Some natural
defect perhaps makes you insusceptible in spite of yourself？ Do not be
angry； my study； my inquiry is absolutely dispassionate。 Some are born
blind； and nature may easily have formed women who in like manner are
blind； deaf； and dumb to love。 You are really an interesting subject
for medical investigation。 You do not know your value。 You feel
perhaps a very legitimate distaste for mankind； in that I quite concur
to me they all seem ugly and detestable。 And you are right；' I
added； feeling my heart swell within me； 'how can you do otherwise
than despise us？ There is not a man living who is worthy of you。'
〃I will not repeat all the biting words with which I ridiculed her。 In
vain； my bitterest sarcasms and keenest irony never made her wince nor
elicited a sign of vexation。 She heard me； with the customary smile
upon her lips and in her eyes； the smile that she wore as a part of
her clothing； and that never varied for friends； for mere
acquaintances； or for strangers。
〃 'Isn't it very nice of me to allow you to dissect me like this？' she
said at last； as I came to a temporary standstill； and looked at her
in silence。 'You see；' she went on； laughing； 'that I have no foolish
over…sensitiveness about my friendship。 Many a woman would shut her
door on you by way of punishing you for your impertinence。'
〃 'You could banish me without needing to give me the reasons for your
harshness。' As I spoke I felt that I could kill her if she dismissed
me。
〃 'You are mad；' she said； smiling still。
〃 'Did you never think；' I went on； 'of the effects of passionate
love？ A desperate man has often murdered his mistress。'
〃 'It is better to die than to live in misery；' she said coolly。 'Such
a man as that would run through his wife's money； desert her； and
leave her at last in utter wretchedness。'
〃This calm calculation dumfounded me。 The gulf between us was made
plain； we could never understand each other。
〃 'Good…bye；' I said proudly。
〃 'Good…bye； till to…morrow；' she answered； with a little friendly
bow。
〃For a moment's space I hurled at her in a glance all the love I must
forego； she stood there with than banal smile of hers； the detestable
chill smile of a marble statue； with none of the warmth in it that it
seemed to express。 Can you form any idea； my friend； of the pain that
overcame me on the way home through rain and snow； across a league of
icy…sheeted quays； without a hope left？ Oh； to think that she not only
had not guessed my poverty； but believed me to be as wealthy as she
was； and likewise borne as softly over the rough ways of life！ What
failure and deceit！ It was no mere question of money now； but of the
fate of all that lay within me。
〃I went at haphazard； going over the words of our strange conversation
with myself。 I got so thoroughly lost in my reflections that I ended
by doubts as to the actual value of words and ideas。 But I loved her
all the same； I loved this woman with the untouched heart that might
surrender at any momenta woman who daily disappointed the
expectations of the previous evening； by appearing as a new mistress
on the morrow。
〃As I passed under the gateway of the Institute； a fevered thrill ran
through me。 I remembered that I was fasting； and that I had not a
penny。 To complete the measure of my misfortune； my hat was spoiled by
the rain。 How was I to appear in the drawing…room of a woman of
fashion with an unpresentable hat？ I had always cursed the inane and
stupid custom that compels us to exhibit the lining of our hats； and
to keep them always in our hands； but with anxious care I had so far
kept mine in a precarious state of efficiency。 It had been neither
strikingly new； nor utterly shabby； neither napless nor over…glossy；
and might ha