whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral
bullet； and say； as fervently and piously as a vener'ble
sinner like me kin say anythin'； God be good to you； my poor
dear； my poor dear。〃
I riz up to go； & takin' my young Southern fren' kindly by the
hand； I sed； 〃Yung man； adoo！ You Southern fellers is probly
my brothers； tho' you've occasionally had a cussed queer way
of showin' it！ It's over now。 Let us all line in and make a
country on this continent that shall giv' all Europe the cramp
in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us！ Adoo； adoo！〃
And as I am through； I likewise say adoo to you； jentle
reader； merely remarkin' that the Star…Spangled Banner is
wavin' round loose agin； and that there don't seem to be
anything the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite
cold。
Artemus Ward。
2。13。 ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES。
FRIEND WALES；You remember me。 I saw you in Canady a few
years ago。 I remember you too。 I seldim forget a person。
I hearn of your marriage to the Printcis Alexandry； & ment ter
writ you a congratoolatory letter at the time； but I've bin
bildin a barn this summer； & hain't had no time to write
letters to folks。 Excoose me。
Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body
politic。 The body politic； in fack； is sick。 I sometimes
think it has got biles； friend Wales。
In my country we've got war； while your country； in
conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the 〃Alobarmy；〃 manetanes a
nootral position！
I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it。 Oh no； I
guess not！
Yes； Sir； we've got a war； and the troo Patrit has to make
sacrifisses； you bet。
I have alreddy given two cousins to the war； & I stand reddy
to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin
krusht。 And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud
my able…bodied relations has got to prosekoot the war。 I
think sumbody oughter be prosekooted； & it may as well be the
war as any body else。 When I git a goakin fit onto me it's no
use to try ter stop me。
You hearn about the draft； friend Wales； no doubt。 It caused
sum squirmin'； but it was fairly conducted； I think； for it
hit all classes。 It is troo that Wendill Phillips； who is a
American citizen of African scent； 'scaped； but so did
Vallandiggum； who is Conservativ； and who wus resuntly sent
South； tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe
had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him。
We hain't got any daily paper in our town； but we've got a
female sewin' circle； which ansers the same purpuss； and we
wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted。
One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because he was
the only son of a widow'd mother who supported him。 A few
able…bodid dead men was drafted； but whether their heirs will
have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a question
for Whitin'； who 'pears to be tinkerin' up this draft bizniss
right smart。 I hope he makes good wages。
I think most of the conscrips in this place will go。 A few
will go to Canady； stopping on their way at Concord； N。H。；
where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts。
You see I'm sassy； friend Wales； hittin' all sides； but no
offense is ment。 You know I ain't a politician； and never
was。 I vote for Mr。 Unionthat's the only candidate I've
got。 I claim； howsever； to have a well…balanced mind； tho' my
idees of a well…balanced mind differs from the idees of a
partner I once had； whose name it was Billson。 Billson and me
orjanized a strollin' dramatic company； & we played The
Drunkard； or the Falling Saved； with a real drunkard。 The
play didn't take particlarly； and says Billson to me； Let's
giv 'em some immoral dramy。 We had a large troop onto our
hands； consisting of eight tragedians and a bass drum； but I
says； No； Billson； and then says I； Billson； you hain't got a
well…balanced mind。 Says he； Yes； I have； old hoss…fly （he
was a low cuss）yes； I have。 I have a mind； says he； that
balances in any direction that the public rekires。 That's wot
I call a well…balanced mind。 I sold out and bid adoo to
Billson。 He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont。 The
miser'ble man once played Hamlet。 There wasn't any orchestry；
and wishin' to expire to slow moosic； he died playin' on a
claironett himself； interspersed with hart…rendin' groans； &
such is the world！ Alars！ alars！ how onthankful we air to
that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow
money； and fail und do bizniss！
But to return to our subjeck。 With our resunt grate triumps
on the Mississippi； the Father of Waters （and them is waters
no Father need feel 'shamed oftwig the wittikism？） and the
cheerin' look of things in other places； I reckon we shan't
want any Muslum of Harts。 And what upon airth do the people
of Concord； N。H。； want a Muslum of Harts for？ Hain't you got
the State House now？ & what more do you want？
But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note； arter all。
My objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum advice；
friend Wales； about managin' your wife； a bizniss I've had
over thirty years experience in。
You had a good weddin。 The papers have a good deal to say
about 〃vikins〃 in connexion thare with。 Not knowings what
that air； and so I frankly tells you； my noble lord dook of
the throne； I can't zackly say whether we hab 'em or not。 We
was both very much flustrated。 But I never injoyed myself
better in my life。
Dowtless； your supper was ahead of our'n。 As regards eatin'
uses； Baldinsville was allers shaky。 But you can git a good
meal in New York； & cheap to。 You can git half a mackril at
Delmonico's or Mr。 Mason Dory's for six dollars； and biled
pertaters throw'd in。
As I sed； I manige my wife without any particler trouble。
When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of
experiments； and them as didn't work I abanding'd。 You'd
better do similer。 Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and
bildin' the fire in the mornin'； but if you commence with her
at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss。 I regret
to obsarve that I didn't commence arly enuff。 I wouldn't have
you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed。 Not at all。 I
simply say； in regard to bildin' fires； that； I didn't
commence arly enuff。 It was a ruther cold mornin' when I fust
proposed the idee to Betsy。 It wasn't well received； and I
found myself layin' on the floor putty suddent。 I thought I'd
git up and bild the fire myself。
Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions。 _I_ allus
did； and if I know my own hart； I allus will。 My daughter；
who is goin' on 17 and is frisky； says they's disgustin。 And
speaking of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of
young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very
entertainin' old feller； and they visit us frekently；
specially on Sunday evenins。 One young chapa lawyer by
habitdon't cum as much as he did。 My wife's father lives
with us。 His intelleck totters a little； and he saves the
papers containin' the proceedins of our State Legislater。 The
old gen'l'man likes to read out loud； and he reads tol'ble
well。 He eats hash freely； which makes his voice clear； but
as he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words； I may
say he reads slow。 Wall； whenever this lawyer made his
appearance I would set the old man a…reading the Legislativ'
reports。 I kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock
listenin to a lot of acts in regard to a drawbridge away orf
in the east part of the State； havin' sent my daughter to bed
at half…past 8。 He hasn't bin there since； and I understan'
he says I go round swindlin' the Public。
I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct。 I shall
never attempt agin。 I'd bin to a public dinner； and had
allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's
healths； and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible； I
continnerd drinkin' their healths until my own became
affected。 Consekens was； I presented myself at Betsy's
bedside late at night with consid'ble licker concealed about
my person。 I had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way
home； and rememberin' sum cranky observations of Mrs。 Ward's
in the mornin'； I snapt the whip putty lively； and in a very
loud woice； I sed； 〃Betsy； you need reorganizin'！ I have cum；
Betsy；〃 I continuedcrackin the whip over the bed〃I have
cum to reorganize you！ Haave you per…ayed tonight？〃
* * * * * * * *
I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril
conseckootiv times； and when I woke up I found she had。 I
hain't drank much of anythin' since； and if I ever have
another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out。
My wife is 52 years old； and has allus sustained a good
character。 She's a good cook。 Her mother lived to a
vener'ble age； and died while in the act of frying slapjacks
for the County Commissioners。 And may no rood hand pluk a
flour from her toomstun！ We hain't got any picter of the old
lady； because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe； and
therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world through the
meejum