Then Measure looked up at Alvin Junior and winked。
〃I saw that；〃 said Mama； 〃and if you don't go to hell； Measure； I'll get up a petition to Saint Peter to send you there。〃
〃I'd sign that petition myself；〃 said Measure； looking meek as a puppy dog that just piddled on a big man's boot。
〃That's right you would；〃 said Mama； 〃and you'd sign it in blood； too； because by the time I'm through with you there'll be enough open wounds to keep ten clerks in bright red ink for a year。〃
Alvin Junior couldn't help himself。 Her dire threat just struck him funny。 And even though he knew he was taking his life in his hands； he opened up his mouth to laugh。 He knew that if he laughed he'd have Mama's thimble hard on his head； or maybe her hand clapped hard on his ear； or even her hard little foot smashed right down on his bare foot； which she did once to David the time he told her she should have learnt the word no sometime before she had thirteen mouths to cook for。
This was a matter of life and death。 This was more frightening than the ridgebeam； which after all never hit him； which was more than he could say for Mama。 So he caught that laugh before it got loose； and he turned it into the first thing he could think of to say。
〃Mama；〃 he said； 〃Measure can't sign no petition in blood； cause he'd already be dead； and dead people don't bleed。〃
Mama looked him in the eye and spoke slow and careful。 〃They do when I tell them to。〃
Well； that did it。 Alvin Junior just laughed out loud。 And that set half the girls to laughing。 Which made Measure laugh。 And finally Mama laughed； too。 They all just laughed and laughed till they were mostly crying and Mama started sending people upstairs to bed； including Alvin Junior。
All the excitement had Alvin Junior feeling pretty spunky； and he hadn't figured out yet that sometimes he ought to keep all that jumpiness locked up tight。 It happened that Matilda； who was sixteen and fancied herself a lady； was walking up the stairs right in front of him。 Everybody hated walking anywhere behind Matilda； she took such delicate； ladylike steps。 Measure always said he'd rather walk in line behind the moon； cause it moved faster。 Now Matilda's backside was right in Al Junior's face； swaying back and forth； and he thought of what Measure said about the moon； and reckoned how Matilda's backside was just about as round as the moon； and then he got to wondering what it would be like to touch the moon； and whether it would be hard like a beetle's back or squishy as a slug。 And when a boy six years old who's already feeling spunky gets a thought like that in his head； it's not even half a second till his finger is two inches deep in delicate flesh。
Matilda was a real good screamer。
Al might have got slapped right then； except Wastenot and Wantnot were right behind him； saw the whole thing； and laughed so hard at Matilda that she started crying and fled on up the stairs two steps at a time； not ladylike at all。 Wastenot and Wantnot carried Alvin up the stairs between them； so high up he got a little dizzy； singing that old song about St。 George killing the dragon； only they sang it about St。 Alvin； and where the song usually said something about poking the old dragon a thousand times and his sword didn't melt in the fire； they changed sword to finger and made even Measure laugh。
〃That's a filthy filthy song！〃 shouted ten…year…old Mary； who stood guard outside the big girls' door。
〃Better stop singing that song；〃 said Measure； 〃before Mama hears you。〃
Alvin Junior could never understand why Mama didn't like that song； but it was true that the boys never sang it where she could hear。 The twins stopped singing and clambered up the ladder to the loft。 At that moment the door to the big girls' room was flung open and Matilda； her eyes all red from crying； stuck her head out and shouted； 〃You'll be sorry！〃
〃Ooh； I'm sorry； I'm sorry；〃 Wantnot said in a squeaky voice。
Only then did Alvin remember that when the girls set out to get even； he would be the main victim。 Calvin was still considered the baby； so he was safe enough； and the twins were older and bigger and there was always two of them。 So when the girls got riled； Alvin was first in line for their deadly wrath。 Matilda was sixteen； Beatrice was fifteen； Elizabeth was fourteen； Anne was twelve； Mary was ten； and they all preferred picking on Alvin to practically any other recreation that the Bible would permit。 One time when Alvin was tormented past endurance and only Measure's strong arms held him back from hot…blooded murder with a hayfork； Measure allowed as how the punishments of hell would most likely consist of living in the same house with five women who were all about twice a man's size。
Ever since then； Alvin wondered what sin he mitted before he was born to make him deserve to grow up half…damned to start with。
Alvin went into the little room he shared with Calvin and just set there； waiting for Matilda to e and kill him。 But she didn't e and didn't e； and he realized that she was probably waiting till after the candles were all out； so that no one would know which of his sisters snuck in and snuffed him out。 Heaven knew he'd given them all ample reason to want him dead in the last two months alone。 He was trying to guess whether they'd stifle him with Matilda's goosedown pillow which would be the first time he was ever allowed to touch it or if he'd die with Beatrice's precious sewing scissors in his heart； when all of a sudden he realized that if he didn't get outside to the privy in about twenty…five seconds he'd embarrass himself right in his trousers。
Somebody was in the privy； of course； and Alvin stood outside jumping and yelling for three minutes and still they wouldn't e out。 It occurred to him that it was probably one of the girls； in which case this was the most devilish plan they'd ever e up with； keeping him out of the privy when they knew he was scared to go into the woods after dark。 It was a terrible vengeance。 If he messed himself he'd be so ashamed he'd probably have to change his name and run away； and that was a whole lot worse than a poke in the behind。 It made him mad as a constipated buffalo； it was so unfair。
Finally he was mad enough to make the ultimate threat。 〃If you don't e out I'll do it right in front of the door so you'll step in it when you e out！〃
He waited； but whoever was in there didn't say； 〃If you do I'll make you lick it off my shoe；〃 and since that was the customary response； Al realized for the first time that the person inside the privy might not be one of his sisters after all。 It was certainly not one of the boys。 Which left only two possibilities； each one worse than the other。 Al was so mad at himself he smacked his own head with his fist； but it didn't make him feel no better。 Papa would probably give him a lick； but even worse would be Mama。 She might give him a tongue…lashing； which was bad enough； but if she was in a real vile temper； she'd get that cold look on her face and say real soft； 〃Alvin Junior； I used to hope that at least one of my boys would be a born gentleman； but now I see my life was wasted；〃 which always made him feel about as low as he knew how to feel without dying。
So he was almost relieved when the door opened and Papa stood there； still buttoning his trousers and looking none too happy。 〃Is it safe for me to step out this door？〃 he asked coldly。
〃Yup；〃 said Alvin Junior。
〃What？〃
〃Yes sir。〃
〃Are you sure？ There's some wild animals around here that think it's smart to leave their do on the ground outside privy doors。 I tell you that if there's any such animal I'll lay a trap and catch it by the back end one of these nights。 And when I find it in the morning； I'll stitch up its bung hole and turn it loose to bloat up and die in the woods。〃
〃Sorry； Papa。〃
Papa shook his head and started walking toward the house。 〃I don't know what's wrong with your bowel； boy。 One minute you don't need to go and the next minute you're about to die。〃
〃Well if you'd just build another outhouse I'd be fine；〃 Al Junior muttered。 Papa didn't hear him； though； because Alvin didn't actually say it till the privy door was closed and Papa'd gone back to the house； and even then he didn't say it very loud。
Alvin rinsed his hands at the pump a long time； because he feared what was waiting for him back in the house。 But then； alone outside in the darkness； he began to be afraid for another reason。 Everybody said that a White man never could hear when a Red man was walking through the woods； and his big brothers got some fun out of telling Alvin that whenever he was alone outside； especially at night； there was Reds in the forest； watching him； playing with their flint…bladed tommy…hawks and itching to have his scalp。 In broad daylight； Al didn't believe them； but at night； his hands cold with the water； a chill ran through him； and he thought he even knew where the Red was standing。 Just over his shoulder； back over near the pigsty； moving so quiet that the pigs didn't even grunt and the dogs didn't bark or nothing。 And they'd find Al's body； all hairless and bloody； and then it'd be too