idle thoughts of an idle fellow- 第15部分

Yes；　shy　men；　like　ugly　women；　have　a　bad　time　of　it　in　this　world；　to　go　through　which　with　any　comfort　needs　the　hide　of　a　rhinoceros。　Thick　skin　is；　indeed；　our　moral　clothes；　and　without　it　we　are　not　fit　to　be　seen　about　in　civilized　society。　　A　poor　gasping；　blushing　creature；　with　trembling　knees　and　twitching　hands；　is　a　painful　sight　to　every　one；　and　if　it　cannot　cure　itself；　the　sooner　it　goes　and　hangs　itself　the　better。

The　disease　can　be　cured。　　For　the　comfort　of　the　shy；　I　can　assure　them　of　that　from　personal　experience。　　I　do　not　like　speaking　about　myself；　as　may　have　been　noticed；　but　in　the　cause　of　humanity　I　on　this　occasion　will　do　so；　and　will　confess　that　at　one　time　I　was；　as　the　young　man　in　the　Bab　Ballad　says；　〃the　shyest　of　the　shy；〃　and　〃whenever　I　was　introduced　to　any　pretty　maid；　my　knees　they　knocked　together　just　as　if　I　was　afraid。〃　　Now；　I　wouldnay；　haveon　this　very　day　before　yesterday　I　did　the　deed。　　Alone　and　entirely　by　myself　（as　the　school…boy　said　in　translating　the　〃Bellum　Gallicum〃）　did　I　beard　a　railway　refreshment…room　young　lady　in　her　own　lair。　　I　rebuked　her　in　terms　of　mingled　bitterness　and　sorrow　for　her　callousness　and　want　of　condescension。　　I　insisted；　courteously　but　firmly；　on　being　accorded　that　deference　and　attention　that　was　the　right　of　the　traveling　Briton；　and　at　the　end　I　looked　her　full　in　the　face。　　Need　I　say　more？

True；　immediately　after　doing　so　I　left　the　room　with　what　may　possibly　have　appeared　to　be　precipitation　and　without　waiting　for　any　refreshment。　　But　that　was　because　I　had　changed　my　mind；　not　because　I　was　frightened；　you　understand。

One　consolation　that　shy　folk　can　take　unto　themselves　is　that　shyness　is　certainly　no　sign　of　stupidity。　　It　is　easy　enough　for　bull…headed　clowns　to　sneer　at　nerves；　but　the　highest　natures　are　not　necessarily　those　containing　the　greatest　amount　of　moral　brass。　　The　horse　is　not　an　inferior　animal　to　the　cock…sparrow；　nor　the　deer　of　the　forest　to　the　pig。　　Shyness　simply　means　extreme　sensibility；　and　has　nothing　whatever　to　do　with　self…consciousness　or　with　conceit；　though　its　relationship　to　both　is　continually　insisted　upon　by　the　poll…parrot　school　of　philosophy。

Conceit；　indeed；　is　the　quickest　cure　for　it。　　When　it　once　begins　to　dawn　upon　you　that　you　are　a　good　deal　cleverer　than　any　one　else　in　this　world；　bashfulness　becomes　shocked　　and　　leaves　you。　　When　you　can　look　round　a　roomful　of　people　and　think　that　each　one　is　a　mere　child　in　intellect　compared　with　yourself　you　feel　no　more　shy　of　them　than　you　would　of　a　select　company　of　magpies　or　orang…outangs。

Conceit　is　the　finest　armor　that　a　man　can　wear。　　Upon　its　smooth；　impenetrable　surface　the　puny　dagger…thrusts　of　spite　and　envy　glance　harmlessly　aside。　　Without　that　breast…plate　the　sword　of　talent　cannot　force　its　way　through　the　battle　of　life；　for　blows　have　to　be　borne　as　well　as　dealt。　　I　do　not；　of　course；　speak　of　the　conceit　that　displays　itself　in　an　elevated　nose　and　a　falsetto　voice。　　That　is　not　real　conceitthat　is　only　playing　at　being　conceited；　like　children　play　at　being　kings　and　queens　and　go　strutting　about　with　feathers　and　long　trains。　　Genuine　conceit　does　not　make　a　man　objectionable。　　On　the　contrary；　it　tends　to　make　him　genial；　kind…hearted；　and　simple。　　He　has　no　need　of　affectationhe　is　far　too　well　satisfied　with　his　own　character；　and　his　pride　is　too　deep…seated　to　appear　at　all　on　the　outside。　　Careless　alike　of　praise　or　blame；　he　can　afford　to　be　truthful。　　Too　far；　in　fancy；　above　the　rest　of　mankind　to　trouble　about　their　petty　distinctions；　he　is　equally　at　home　with　duke　or　costermonger。　　And　valuing　no　one's　standard　but　his　own；　he　is　never　tempted　to　practice　that　miserable　pretense　that　less　self…reliant　people　offer　up　as　an　hourly　sacrifice　to　the　god　of　their　neighbor's　opinion。

The　shy　man；　on　the　other　hand；　is　humblemodest　of　his　own　judgment　and　over…anxious　concerning　that　of　others。　　But　this　in　the　case　of　a　young　man　is　surely　right　enough。　　His　character　is　unformed。　　It　is　slowly　evolving　itself　out　of　a　chaos　of　doubt　and　disbelief。　　Before　the　growing　insight　and　experience　the　diffidence　recedes。　　A　man　rarely　carries　his　shyness　past　the　hobbledehoy　period。　　Even　if　his　own　inward　strength　does　not　throw　it　off；　the　rubbings　of　the　world　generally　smooth　it　down。　　You　scarcely　ever　meet　a　really　shy　manexcept　in　novels　or　on　the　stage；　where；　by　the　bye；　he　is　much　admired；　especially　by　the　women。

There；　in　that　supernatural　land；　he　appears　as　a　fair…haired　and　saintlike　young　manfair　hair　and　goodness　always　go　together　on　the　stage。　　No　respectable　audience　would　believe　in　one　without　the　other。　　I　knew　an　actor　who　mislaid　his　wig　once　and　had　to　rush　on　to　play　the　hero　in　his　own　hair；　which　was　jet…black；　and　the　gallery　howled　at　all　his　noble　sentiments　under　the　impression　that　he　was　the　villain。　　Hethe　shy　young　manloves　the　heroine；　oh　so　devotedly　（but　only　in　asides；　for　he　dare　not　tell　her　of　it）；　and　he　is　so　noble　and　unselfish；　and　speaks　in　such　a　low　voice；　and　is　so　good　to　his　mother；　and　the　bad　people　in　the　play；　they　laugh　at　him　and　jeer　at　him；　but　he　takes　it　all　so　gently；　and　in　the　end　it　transpires　that　he　is　such　a　clever　man；　though　nobody　knew　it；　and　then　the　heroine　tells　him　she　loves　him；　and　he　is　so　surprised；　and　oh；　so　happy！　and　everybody　loves　him　and　asks　him　to　forgive　them；　which　he　does　in　a　few　well…chosen　and　sarcastic　words；　and　blesses　them；　and　he　seems　to　have　generally　such　a　good　time　of　it　that　all　the　young　fellows　who　are　not　shy　long　to　be　shy。　　But　the　really　shy　man　knows　better。　　He　knows　that　it　is　not　quite　so　pleasant　in　reality。　　He　is　not　quite　so　interesting　there　as　in　the　fiction。　　He　is　a　little　more　clumsy　and　stupid　and　a　little　less　devoted　and　gentle；　and　his　hair　is　much　darker；　which；　taken　altogether；　considerably　alters　the　aspect　of　the　case。

The　point　where　he　does　resemble　his　ideal　is　in　his　faithfulness。　　I　am　fully　prepared　to　allow　the　shy　young　man　that　virtue：　　he　is　constant　in　his　love。　　But　the　reason　is　not　far　to　seek。　　The　fact　is　it　exhausts　all　his　stock　of　courage　to　look　one　woman　in　the　face；　and　it　would　be　simply　impossible　for　him　to　go　through　the　ordeal　with　a　second。　　He　stands　in　far　too　much　dread　of　the　whole　female　sex　to　want　to　go　gadding　about　with　many　of　them。　　One　is　quite　enough　for　him。

Now；　it　is　different　with　the　young　man　who　is　not　shy。　　He　has　temptations　which　his　bashful　brother　never　encounters。　　He　looks　around　and　everywhere　sees　roguish　eyes　and　laughing　lips。　　What　more　natural　than　that　amid　so　many　roguish　ayes　and　laughing　lips　he　should　become　confused　and；　forgetting　for　the　moment　which　particular　pair　of　roguish　ayes　and　laughing　lips　it　is　that　he　belongs　to；　go　off　making　love　to　the　wrong　set。　　The　shy　man；　who　never　looks　at　anything　but　his　own　boots；　sees　not　and　is　not　tempted。　　Happy　shy　man！

Not　but　what　the　shy　man　himself　would　much　rather　not　be　happy　in　that　way。　　He　longs　to　〃go　it〃　with　the　others；　and　curses　himself　every　day　for　not　being　able　to。　　He　will　now　and　again；　screwing　up　his　courage　by　a　tremendous　effort；　plunge　into　roguishness。　　But　it　is　always　a　terrible　_fiasco_；　and　after　one　or　two　feeble　flounders　he　crawls　out　again；　limp　and　pitiable。

I　say　〃pitiable；〃　though　I　am　　afraid　he　never　is　pitied。　　There　are　certain　misfortunes　which；　while　inflicting　a　vast　amount　of　suffering　upon　their　victims；　gain　for　them　no　sympathy。　　Losing　an　umbrella；　falling　in　love；　toothache；　black　eyes；　and　having　your　hat　sat　upon　may　be　mentioned　as　a　few　examples；　but　the　chief　of　them　all　is　shyness。　　The　shy　man　is　regarded　as　an　animate　joke。　　His　tortures　are　the　sport　of　the　drawing…room　arena　and　are　pointed　out　and　discussed　with　much　gusto。

〃Look；〃　cry　his　tittering　audience　to　each　other；　〃he's　blushing！〃

〃Just　watch　his　legs；〃　says　one。

〃Do　you　notice　how　he　is　sitting？〃　adds　another：　　〃right　on　the　edge　of　the　chair。〃

〃Seems　to　have　plenty　of　color；〃　sneers　a　military…looking　gentleman。

〃Pity　he's　got　so　many　hands；〃　murmurs　an　elderly　lady；　with　her　own　calmly　folded　on　her　lap。　　〃They　quite　confuse　him。〃

〃A　yard　or　two　off　his　feet　wouldn't　be　a　disadvantage；〃　chimes　in　the　comic　man；　〃especially　as　he　seems　so　anxious　to　hide　them。〃

And　then　another　suggests　that　with　such　a　voice　he　ought　to　have　been　a　sea…captain。　　Some　draw　attention　to　the　desperate　way　in　which　he　is　grasping　his　hat。　　Some　comment　upon　his　limited　powers　of　conversation。　　Others　remark　upon　the　troublesome　nature　of　his　cough。　And　so　on；　until　his　peculiarities　and　the　company　are　both　thoroughly　exhausted。

His　friends　and　relations　make　matters　still　more　unpleasant　for　the　poor　boy　（friends　and　relations　are　privileged　to　be　more　disagreeable　than　other　people）。　　Not　content　with　making　fun　of　him　among　themselves；　they　insist　on　his　seeing　the　joke。　　They　mimic　and　caricature　him　for　his　own　edification。　　One；　pretending　to　imitate　him；　goes　outside　and　comes　in　again　in　a　ludicrously　nervous　manner；　explaining　to　him　afterward　that　that　is　the　way　hemeaning　the　shy　fellowwalks　into　a