idle thoughts of an idle fellow- 第18部分

〃No；　pa；〃　I　answered。　　After　which　I　added：

〃What　is　dyspepsia；　pa？〃

My　livid…complexioned　friend　regarded　me　with　a　look　of　mingled　amazement　and　envy。　　Then　in　a　tone　of　infinite　pity　he　slowly　said：

〃You　will　knowsome　day。〃

My　poor；　dear　mother　used　to　say　she　liked　to　see　me　eat；　and　it　has　always　been　a　pleasant　reflection　to　me　since　that　I　must　have　given　her　much　gratification　in　that　direction。　　A　growing；　healthy　lad；　taking　plenty　of　exercise　and　careful　to　restrain　himself　from　indulging　in　too　much　study；　can　generally　satisfy　the　most　exacting　expectations　as　regards　his　feeding　powers。

It　is　amusing　to　see　boys　eat　when　you　have　not　got　to　pay　for　it。　Their　idea　of　a　square　meal　is　a　pound　and　a　half　of　roast　beef　with　five　or　six　good…sized　potatoes　（soapy　ones　preferred　as　being　more　substantial）；　plenty　of　greens；　and　four　thick　slices　of　Yorkshire　pudding；　followed　by　a　couple　of　currant　dumplings；　a　few　green　apples；　a　pen'orth　of　nuts；　half　a　dozen　jumbles；　and　a　bottle　of　ginger…beer。　　After　that　they　play　at　horses。

How　they　must　despise　us　men；　who　require　to　sit　quiet　for　a　couple　of　hours　after　dining　off　a　spoonful　of　clear　soup　and　the　wing　of　a　chicken！

But　the　boys　have　not　all　the　advantages　on　their　side。　　A　boy　never　enjoys　the　luxury　of　being　satisfied。　　A　boy　never　feels　full。　　He　can　never　stretch　out　his　legs；　put　his　hands　behind　his　head；　and；　closing　his　eyes；　sink　into　the　ethereal　blissfulness　that　encompasses　the　well…dined　man。　　A　dinner　makes　no　difference　whatever　to　a　boy。　To　a　man　it　is　as　a　good　fairy's　potion；　and　after　it　the　world　appears　a　brighter　and　a　better　place。　　A　man　who　has　dined　satisfactorily　experiences　a　yearning　love　toward　all　his　fellow…creatures。　　He　strokes　the　cat　quite　gently　and　calls　it　〃poor　pussy；〃　in　tones　full　of　the　tenderest　emotion。　　He　sympathizes　with　the　members　of　the　German　band　outside　and　wonders　if　they　are　cold；　and　for　the　moment　he　does　not　even　hate　his　wife's　relations。

A　good　dinner　brings　out　all　the　softer　side　of　a　man。　　Under　its　genial　influence　the　gloomy　and　morose　become　jovial　and　chatty。　Sour；　starchy　individuals；　who　all　the　rest　of　the　day　go　about　looking　as　if　they　lived　on　vinegar　and　Epsom　salts；　break　out　into　wreathed　smiles　after　dinner；　and　exhibit　a　tendency　to　pat　small　children　on　the　head　and　to　talk　to　themvaguelyabout　sixpences。　Serious　men　thaw　and　become　mildly　cheerful；　and　snobbish　young　men　of　the　heavy…mustache　type　forget　to　make　themselves　objectionable。

I　always　feel　sentimental　myself　after　dinner。　　It　is　the　only　time　when　I　can　properly　appreciate　love…stories。　　Then；　when　the　hero　clasps　〃her〃　to　his　heart　in　one　last　wild　embrace　and　stifles　a　sob；　I　feel　as　sad　as　though　I　had　dealt　at　whist　and　turned　up　only　a　deuce；　and　when　the　heroine　dies　in　the　end　I　weep。　　If　I　read　the　same　tale　early　in　the　morning　I　should　sneer　at　it。　　Digestion；　or　rather　indigestion；　has　a　marvelous　effect　upon　the　heart。　　If　I　want　to　write　any　thing　very　patheticI　mean；　if　I　want　to　try　to　write　anything　very　patheticI　eat　a　large　plateful　of　hot　buttered　muffins　about　an　hour　beforehand；　and　then　by　the　time　I　sit　down　to　my　work　a　feeling　of　unutterable　melancholy　has　come　over　me。　　I　picture　heartbroken　lovers　parting　forever　at　lonely　wayside　stiles；　while　the　sad　twilight　deepens　around　them；　and　only　the　tinkling　of　a　distant　sheep…bell　breaks　the　sorrow…laden　silence。　　Old　men　sit　and　gaze　at　withered　flowers　till　their　sight　is　dimmed　by　the　mist　of　tears。　Little　dainty　maidens　wait　and　watch　at　open　casements；　but　〃he　cometh　not；〃　and　the　heavy　years　roll　by　and　the　sunny　gold　tresses　wear　white　and　thin。　　The　babies　that　they　dandled　have　become　grown　men　and　women　with　podgy　torments　of　their　own；　and　the　playmates　that　they　laughed　with　are　lying　very　silent　under　the　waving　grass。　　But　still　they　wait　and　watch；　till　the　dark　shadows　of　the　unknown　night　steal　up　and　gather　round　them　and　the　world　with　its　childish　troubles　fades　from　their　aching　eyes。

I　see　pale　corpses　tossed　on　white…foamed　waves；　and　death…beds　stained　with　bitter　tears；　and　graves　in　trackless　deserts。　　I　hear　the　wild　wailing　of　women；　the　low　moaning　of　little　children；　the　dry　sobbing　of　strong　men。　　It's　all　the　muffins。　　I　could　not　conjure　up　one　melancholy　fancy　upon　a　mutton　chop　and　a　glass　of　champagne。

A　full　stomach　is　a　great　aid　to　poetry；　and　indeed　no　sentiment　of　any　kind　can　stand　upon　an　empty　one。　　We　have　not　time　or　inclination　to　indulge　in　fanciful　troubles　until　we　have　got　rid　of　our　real　misfortunes。　　We　do　not　sigh　over　dead　dicky…birds　with　the　bailiff　in　the　house；　and　when　we　do　not　know　where　on　earth　to　get　our　next　shilling　from；　we　do　not　worry　as　to　whether　our　mistress'　smiles　are　cold；　or　hot；　or　lukewarm；　or　anything　else　about　them。

Foolish　peoplewhen　I　say　〃foolish　people〃　in　this　contemptuous　way　I　mean　people　who　entertain　different　opinions　to　mine。　　If　there　is　one　person　I　do　despise　more　than　another；　it　is　the　man　who　does　not　think　exactly　the　same　on　all　topics　as　I　dofoolish　people；　I　say；　then；　who　have　never　experienced　much　of　either；　will　tell　you　that　mental　distress　is　far　more　agonizing　than　bodily。　　Romantic　and　touching　theory！　so　comforting　to　the　love…sick　young　sprig　who　looks　down　patronizingly　at　some　poor　devil　with　a　white　starved　face　and　thinks　to　himself；　〃Ah；　how　happy　you　are　compared　with　me！〃so　soothing　to　fat　old　gentlemen　who　cackle　about　the　superiority　of　poverty　over　riches。　　But　it　is　all　nonsenseall　cant。　　An　aching　head　soon　makes　one　forget　an　aching　heart。　　A　broken　finger　will　drive　away　all　recollections　of　an　empty　chair。　　And　when　a　man　feels　really　hungry　he　does　not　feel　anything　else。

We　sleek；　well…fed　folk　can　hardly　realize　what　feeling　hungry　is　like。　　We　know　what　it　is　to　have　no　appetite　and　not　to　care　for　the　dainty　victuals　placed　before　us；　but　we　do　not　understand　what　it　means　to　sicken　for　foodto　die　for　bread　while　others　waste　itto　gaze　with　famished　eyes　upon　coarse　fare　steaming　behind　dingy　windows；　longing　for　a　pen'orth　of　pea　pudding　and　not　having　the　penny　to　buy　itto　feel　that　a　crust　would　be　delicious　and　that　a　bone　would　be　a　banquet。

Hunger　is　a　luxury　to　us；　a　piquant；　flavor…giving　sauce。　　It　is　well　worth　while　to　get　hungry　and　thirsty　merely　to　discover　how　much　gratification　can　be　obtained　from　eating　and　drinking。　　If　you　wish　to　thoroughly　enjoy　your　dinner；　take　a　thirty…mile　country　walk　after　breakfast　and　don't　touch　anything　till　you　get　back。　　How　your　eyes　will　glisten　at　sight　of　the　white　table…cloth　and　steaming　dishes　then！　　With　what　a　sigh　of　content　you　will　put　down　the　empty　beer　tankard　and　take　up　your　knife　and　fork！　　And　how　comfortable　you　feel　afterward　as　you　push　back　your　chair；　light　a　cigar；　and　beam　round　upon　everybody。

Make　sure；　however；　when　adopting　this　plan；　that　the　good　dinner　is　really　to　be　had　at　the　end；　or　the　disappointment　is　trying。　　I　remember　once　a　friend　and　Idear　old　Joe；　it　was。　　Ah！　how　we　lose　one　another　in　life's　mist。　　It　must　be　eight　years　since　I　last　saw　Joseph　Taboys。　　How　pleasant　it　would　be　to　meet　his　jovial　face　again；　to　clasp　his　strong　hand；　and　to　hear　his　cheery　laugh　once　more！　　He　owes　me　14　shillings；　too。　　Well；　we　were　on　a　holiday　together；　and　one　morning　we　had　breakfast　early　and　started　for　a　tremendous　long　walk。　　We　had　ordered　a　duck　for　dinner　over　night。　We　said；　〃Get　a　big　one；　because　we　shall　come　home　awfully　hungry；〃　and　as　we　were　going　out　our　landlady　came　up　in　great　spirits。　　She　said；　〃I　have　got　you　gentlemen　a　duck；　if　you　like。　　If　you　get　through　that　you'll　do　well；〃　and　she　held　up　a　bird　about　the　size　of　a　door…mat。　　We　chuckled　at　the　sight　and　said　we　would　try。　　We　said　it　with　self…conscious　pride；　like　men　who　know　their　own　power。　　Then　we　started。

We　lost　our　way；　of　course。　　I　always　do　in　the　country；　and　it　does　make　me　so　wild；　because　it　is　no　use　asking　direction　of　any　of　the　people　you　meet。　　One　might　as　well　inquire　of　a　lodging…house　slavey　the　way　to　make　beds　as　expect　a　country　bumpkin　to　know　the　road　to　the　next　village。　　You　have　to　shout　the　question　about　three　times　before　the　sound　of　your　voice　penetrates　his　skull。　　At　the　third　time　he　slowly　raises　his　head　and　stares　blankly　at　you。　　You　yell　it　at　him　then　for　a　fourth　time；　and　he　repeats　it　after　you。　　He　ponders　while　you　count　a　couple　of　hundred；　after　which；　speaking　at　the　rate　of　three　words　a　minute；　he　fancies　you　〃couldn't　do　better　than〃　　Here　he　catches　sight　of　another　idiot　coming　down　the　road　and　bawls　out　to　him　the　particulars；　requesting　his　advice。　　The　two　then　argue　the　case　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour　or　so；　and　finally　agree　that　you　had　better　go　straight　down　the　lane；　round　to　the　right　and　cross　by　the　third　stile；　and　keep　to　the　left　by　old　Jimmy　Milcher's　cow…shed；　and　across　the　seven…acre　field；　and　through　the　gate　by　Squire　Grubbin's　hay…stack；　keeping　the　bridle…path　for　awhile　till　you　come　opposite　the　hill　where　the　windmill　used　to　bebut　it's　gone　nowand　round　to　the　right；　leaving　Stiggin's　plantation　behind　you；　and　you　say　〃Thank　yo