atmosphere of lies； he said； and to lie was nothing to her。 Any
original refinement of feeling as regards human relations that she
might have had had become dulled； if it had not been destroyed。 At
first he blindly； miserably； resigned himself to this。 He said to
himself； 'Fate has led me to love this sort of woman。 I must accept
her as she is； with all her defects； with her instinct for treachery；
with her passion for the admiration of the world； with her
incapability for being true to an ideal； or for isolating herself in
the adoration of one man。 I cannot get away from her。 She has me fast。
I cannot live without her。 Then I must bear the torture that jealousy
of her will certainly bring me in silence。 I must conceal it。 I must
try to kill it。 I must make the best of whatever she will give me；
knowing that she can never； with her nature and her training； be
exclusively mine as a good woman might be。' This he said to himself。
This plan of conduct he traced for himself。 But he soon found that he
was not strong enough to keep to it。 His jealousy was a devouring
fire； and he could not conceal it。 Domini； he described to me minutely
the effect of jealousy in a human heart。 I had never imagined what it
was； and； when he described it； I felt as if I looked down into a
bottomless pit lined with the flames of hell。 By the depth of that pit
I measured the depth of his passion for this woman； and I gained an
idea of what human lovenot the best sort of human love； but still
genuine； intense love of some kindcould be。 Of this human love I
thought at night； putting it in comparison with the love God's
creature can have for God。 And my sense of loneliness increased； and I
felt as if I had always been lonely。 Does this seem strange to you？ In
the love of God was calm； peace； rest； a lying down of the soul in the
Almighty arms。 In the other love described to me was restlessness；
agitation； torture； the soul spinning like an atom driven by winds；
the heart devoured as by a disease； a cancer。 On the one hand was a
beautiful trust； on the other a ceaseless agony of doubt and terror。
And yet I came to feel as if the one were unreal in comparison with
the other； as if in the one were a loneliness； in the other fierce
companionship。 I thought of the Almighty arms； Domini； and of the arms
of a woman； andDomini； I longed to have known； if only once； the
pressure of a woman's arms about my neck； about my breast； the touch
of a woman's hand upon my heart。
〃And of all this I never spoke at confession。 I committed the deadly
sin of keeping back at confession all that。〃 He stopped。 Then he said；
〃Till the end my confessions were incomplete； were false。
〃The stranger told me that as his love for this woman grew he found it
impossible to follow the plan he had traced for himself of shutting
his eyes to the sight of other eyes admiring； desiring her； of
shutting his ears to the voices that whispered； 'This it will always
be； for others as well as for you。' He found it impossible。 His
jealousy was too importunate； and he resolved to make any effort to
keep her for himself alone。 He knew she had love for him； but he knew
that love would not necessarily； or even probably； keep her entirely
faithful to him。 She thought too little of passing intrigues。 To her
they seemed trifles； meaningless； unimportant。 She told him so； when
he spoke his jealousy。 She said； 'I love you。 I do not love these
other men。 They are in my life for a moment only。'
〃'And that moment plunges me into hell！' he said。
〃He told her he could not bear it； that it was impossible； that she
must belong to him entirely and solely。 He asked her to marry him。 She
was surprised； touched。 She understood what a sacrifice such a
marriage would be to a man in his position。 He was a man of good
birth。 His request； his vehement insistence on it； made her understand
his love as she had not understood it before。 Yet she hesitated。 For
so long had she been accustomed to a life of freedom； of changing
/amours/； that she hesitated to put her neck under the yoke of
matrimony。 She understood thoroughly his character and his aim in
marrying her。 She knew that as his wife she must bid an eternal
farewell to the life she had known。 And it was a life that had become
a habit to her； a life that she was fond of。 For she was enormously
vain； and she was ashe was a very physical woman； subject to
physical caprices。 There are things that I pass over； Domini； which
would explain still more her hesitation。 He knew what caused it； and
again he was tortured。 But he persisted。 And at last he overcame。 She
consented to marry him。 They were engaged。 Domini； I need not tell you
much more； only this factwhich had driven him from France； destroyed
his happiness； brought him to the monastery。 Shortly before the
marriage was to take place he discovered that； while they were
engaged； she had yielded to the desires of an old admirer who had come
to bid her farewell and to wish her joy in her new life。 He was
tempted； he said； to kill her。 But he governed himself and left her。
He travelled。 He came to Tunis。 He came to La Trappe。 He saw the peace
there。 He thought； 'Can I seize it？ Can it do something for me？' He
saw me。 He thought； 'I shall not be quite alone。 This monkhe has
lived always in peace； he has never known the torture of women。 Might
not intercourse with him help me？'
〃Such was his history； such was the history poured； with infinite
detail that I have not told you； day by day； into my ears。 It was the
history； you see； of a passion that was mainly physical。 I will not
say entirely。 I do not know whether any great passion can be entirely
physical。 But it was the history of the passion of one body for
another body； and he did not attempt to present it to me as anything
else。 This man made me understand the meaning of the body。 I had never
understood it before。 I had never suspected the immensity of the
meaning there is in physical things。 I had never comprehended the
flesh。 Now I comprehended it。 Loneliness rushed upon me； devoured me
loneliness of the body。 'God is a spirit and those that worship him
must worship him in spirit。' Now I felt that to worship in spirit was
not enough。 I even felt that it was scarcely anything。 Again I thought
of my life as the life of a skeleton in a world of skeletons。 Again
the chapel was as a valley of dry bones。 It was a ghastly sensation。 I
was plunged in the void。 III can't tell you my exact sensation；
but it was as if I was the loneliest creature in the whole of the
universe； and as if I need not have been lonely； as if I； in my
ignorance and fatuity； had selected loneliness thinking it was the
happiest fate。
〃And yet you will say I was face to face with this man's almost
frantic misery。 I was； and it made no difference。 I envied him； even
in his present state。 He wanted to gain consolation from me if that
were possible。 Oh； the irony of my consoling him！ In secret I laughed
at it bitterly。 When I strove to console him I knew that I was an
incarnate lie。 He had told me the meaning of the body and； by so
doing； had snatched from me the meaning of the spirit。 And then he
said to me； 'Make me feel the meaning of the spirit。 If I can grasp
that I may find comfort。' He called upon me to give him what I no
longer hadthe peace of God that passeth understanding。 Domini； can
you feel at all what that was to me？ Can you realise？ Can youis it
any wonder that I could do nothing for him； for him who had done such
a frightful thing for me？ Is it any wonder？ Soon he realised that he
would not find peace with me in the garden。 Yet he stayed on。 Why？ He
did not know where to go； what to do。 Life offered him nothing but
horror。 His love of experiences was dead。 His love of life had
completely vanished。 He saw the worldly life as a nightmare； yet he
had nothing to put in the place of it。 And in the monastery he was
ceaselessly tormented by jealousy。 Ceaselessly his mind was at work
about this woman； picturing her in her life of change； of intrigue； of
new lovers； of new hopes and aims in which he had no part； in which
his image was being blotted out； doubtless from her memory even。 He
suffered； he suffered as few suffer。 But I think I suffered more。 The
melancholy was driven on into a gnawing hunger； the gnawing hunger of
the flesh wishing to have lived； wishing to live； wishing toto know。
〃Domini； to you I can't say more of thatto you whom Iwhom I love
with spirit and flesh。 I will come to the end； to the incident which
made the body rise up； strike down the soul； trample out over it into
the world like a wolf that was starving。
〃One day the Reverend Pere gave me a special permission to walk with
our visitor beyond the monastery walls towards the sea。 Such
permission was an event in my life。 It excited me more than you can
imagine。 I found that the stranger had begged him to let me come。
〃'Our guest is very fond of you；' the Reverend Pere said to me。 'I
think if any human being can bring him to a calmer； happier state of
mind and spirit； you can。 You have obtained a good influence over
him。'
〃Domini； when the Reverend Pere spoke to me thus my mouth was suddenly