has sheltered it。
But how strange it was that the creative instinct should seize upon this
dull stockbroker； to his own ruin； perhaps； and to the misfortune of such as
were dependent on him； and yet no stranger than the way in which the
spirit of God has seized men； powerful and rich； pursuing them with
stubborn vigilance till at last； conquered； they have abandoned the joy of
the world and the love of women for the painful austerities of the cloister。
Conversion may come under many shapes； and it may be brought about in
many ways。 With some men it needs a cataclysm； as a stone may be
broken to fragments by the fury of a torrent； but with some it comes
gradually； as a stone may be worn away by the ceaseless fall of a drop of
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water。 Strickland had the directness of the fanatic and the ferocity of the
apostle。
But to my practical mind it remained to be seen whether the passion
which obsessed him would be justified of its works。 When I asked him
what his brother…students at the night classes he had attended in London
thought of his painting； he answered with a grin：
〃They thought it a joke。〃
〃Have you begun to go to a studio here？〃
〃Yes。 The blighter came round this morning the master； you know；
when he saw my drawing he just raised his eyebrows and walked on。〃
Strickland chuckled。 He did not seem discouraged。 He was
independent of the opinion of his fellows。
And it was just that which had most disconcerted me in my dealings
with him。 When people say they do not care what others think of them；
for the most part they deceive themselves。 Generally they mean only that
they will do as they choose； in the confidence that no one will know their
vagaries； and at the utmost only that they are willing to act contrary to the
opinion of the majority because they are supported by the approval of their
neighbours。 It is not difficult to be unconventional in the eyes of the
world when your unconventionality is but the convention of your set。 It
affords you then an inordinate amount of self…esteem。 You have the self…
satisfaction of courage without the inconvenience of danger。 But the
desire for approbation is perhaps the most deeply seated instinct of
civilised man。 No one runs so hurriedly to the cover of respectability as
the unconventional woman who has exposed herself to the slings and
arrows of outraged propriety。 I do not believe the people who tell me
they do not care a row of pins for the opinion of their fellows。 It is the
bravado of ignorance。 They mean only that they do not fear reproaches
for peccadillos which they are convinced none will discover。
But here was a man who sincerely did not mind what people thought
of him； and so convention had no hold on him； he was like a wrestler
whose body is oiled； you could not get a grip on him； it gave him a
freedom which was an outrage。 I remember saying to him：
〃Look here； if everyone acted like you； the world couldn't go on。〃
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〃That's a damned silly thing to say。 Everyone doesn't want to act like
me。 The great majority are perfectly content to do the ordinary thing。〃
And once I sought to be satirical。
〃You evidently don't believe in the maxim： Act so that every one of
your actions is capable of being made into a universal rule。〃
〃I never heard it before； but it's rotten nonsense。〃
〃Well； it was Kant who said it。〃
〃I don't care； it's rotten nonsense。〃
Nor with such a man could you expect the appeal to conscience to be
effective。 You might as well ask for a rejection without a mirror。 I take
it that conscience is the guardian in the individual of the rules which the
community has evolved for its own preservation。 It is the policeman in
all our hearts； set there to watch that we do not break its laws。 It is the spy
seated in the central stronghold of the ego。 Man's desire for the approval
of his fellows is so strong； his dread of their censure so violent； that he
himself has brought his enemy within his gates； and it keeps watch over
him； vigilant always in the interests of its master to crush any half…formed
desire to break away from the herd。 It will force him to place the good of
society before his own。 It is the very strong link that attaches the
individual to the whole。 And man； subservient to interests he has
persuaded himself are greater than his own； makes himself a slave to his
taskmaster。 He sits him in a seat of honour。 At last； like a courtier
fawning on the royal stick that is laid about his shoulders； he prides
himself on the sensitiveness of his conscience。 Then he has no words hard
enough for the man who does not recognise its sway； for； a member of
society now； he realises accurately enough that against him he is powerless。
When I saw that Strickland was really indifferent to the blame his conduct
must excite； I could only draw back in horror as from a monster of hardly
human shape。
The last words he said to me when I bade him good…night were：
〃Tell Amy it's no good coming after me。 Anyhow； I shall change my
hotel； so she wouldn't be able to find me。〃
〃My own impression is that she's well rid of you；〃 I said。
〃My dear fellow； I only hope you'll be able to make her see it。 But
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women are very unintelligent。〃
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Chapter XV
When I reached London I found waiting for me an urgent request that
I should go to Mrs。 Strickland's as soon after dinner as I could。 I found
her with Colonel MacAndrew and his wife。 Mrs。 Strickland's sister was
older than she； not unlike her； but more faded； and she had the efficient air；
as though she carried the British Empire in her pocket； which the wives of
senior officers acquire from the consciousness of belonging to a superior
caste。 Her manner was brisk； and her good…breeding scarcely concealed
her conviction that if you were not a soldier you might as well be a
counter…jumper。 She hated the Guards； whom she thought conceited； and
she could not trust herself to speak of their ladies； who were so remiss in
calling。 Her gown was dowdy and expensive。
Mrs。 Strickland was plainly nervous。
〃Well； tell us your news；〃 she said。
〃I saw your husband。 I'm afraid he's quite made up his mind not to
return。〃 I paused a little。 〃He wants to paint。〃
〃What do you mean？〃 cried Mrs。 Strickland； with the utmost
astonishment。
〃Did you never know that he was keen on that sort of thing。〃
〃He must be as mad as a hatter；〃 exclaimed the Colonel。
Mrs。 Strickland frowned a little。 She was searching among her
recollections。
〃I remember before we were married he used to potter about with a
paint…box。 But you never saw such daubs。 We used to chaff him。 He
had absolutely no gift for anything like that。〃
〃Of course it's only an excuse；〃 said Mrs。 MacAndrew。
Mrs。 Strickland pondered deeply for some time。 It was quite clear
that she could not make head or tail of my announcement。 She had put
some order into the drawing…room by now； her housewifely instincts
having got the better of her dismay； and it no longer bore that deserted
look； like a furnished house long to let； which I had noticed on my first
visit after the catastrophe。 But now that I had seen Strickland in Paris it
was difficult to imagine him in those surroundings。