This was one of our more impressive numbers。 It had been found in one of the most ancient data bases； the lyric written in a long…lost language called Svensk or Swedish or something like that。 After much electronic scratching about； one of the puters in the language department at the university had been able to translate it。 But this lyric was so dreadful that we threw it away and sang it in the original which was far more interesting。
Ett fasanfullt monster med rumpan bar
kryper in till en juugfru sa rar。
There was more like this and Madonette belted it out at full volume to the acpaniment of my syncopated soundtrack； with Floyd knocking himself out on his blower…powered bagpipe。 Steengo plucked at a tiny harp…whose holographic image stretched up to the ceiling。 Sound filled and reverberated through the great chamber and dust was jarred loose from the log walls。
I don't think that this tune would make the galactic top ten but it sure went down well here in endsville。 Particularly when it ended with an atomic mushroom cloud that grew to room size … along with the best the amplifiers could do to simulate the atomic explosion itself。 The part of the audience that wasn't collapsed on the floor had fled shrieking into the rain。 I took out my earplugs and heard the light clapping of approval。 I bowed in Svinjar's direction。
〃A pleasant divertimento…but the next time you play it I would appreciate a little less forza in the finale and a little more riposo。〃
〃Your slightest wish is our mand。〃
〃For a young and simple…looking lad you learn fast。 How e you were caught pushing drugs？〃
〃It's a long story…〃
〃Shorten it。 To one word if possible。〃
〃Money。〃
〃Understandable。 Then the music business isn't that good？〃
〃It smells like one of your bully…boys。 If you can stay up there with the big ones； fine。 But we slipped from the top notch some time ago。 What with recording fees； agents' missions； kickbacks and bribes we were quickly going bust。 Steengo and Floyd have been snorting back baksheesh for years。 They started selling it to support the habit。 It's nice stuff。 End of story。〃
〃Or beginning of a new one。 Your singer； what's her name？〃 He smiled a very unwholesome smile as he looked over at Madonette。 I groped for inspiration。 Came up with the best I could do at such short notice。
〃You mean my wife； Madonette 。 。 。〃
〃Wife？ How inconvenient。 I am sure that something can be done about that； though not exactly at this moment。 Your arrival is； to say the least； most timely。 Fits in with what you might call a general plan of action I was considering。 For the general good of the populace。〃
〃Indeed；〃 I said； controlling my enthusiasm for any plan of his that might be forthing。
〃Yes； indeed。 A concert for the public。 Barbecues and free drinks。 The public will see Svinjar as a benefactor of the first order。 I gather that you are prepared to play a benefit performance？〃
〃That's what we are here for。〃
Among other things that we are here for； Svinjar old chubkin。 But the longest journey begins with but a single step。
I'm not happy about the way this operation is going；〃 I said unhappily。 Spooning up the almost tasteless gruel that appeared to be the staff of life in this place。
〃Who's arguing？〃 Steengo said； looking suspiciously into his own bowl of food。 〃This stuff not only looks like glue…it tastes like it。〃
〃It will stick to your ribs；〃 Floyd said and I gaped。 Did he have a sense of humor after all？ Probably not。 Looking at his serious expression I doubted if he had explored all the meanings of what he had just said。 I let it lie。
〃I'm not only unhappy with this operation so far…but with the pany we have been keeping。 Svinjar and his loathsome lads。 We've shot almost a day here already…for little purpose。 If the artifact is with the Fundamentaloids we ought to be out there tracking them down。〃
〃But you promised a concert；〃 Madonette pointed out with a certain logic。 〃They are building a sort of bandstand and the word has gone out。 You don't want to let our fans down； do you？〃
〃Heaven forbid；〃 I muttered gruelly and put the bowl aside。 I couldn't tell them about the thirty…day poison or the fact that as of the moment over seventeen days had passed。 Oh the hell with it。 〃Let's get set up。 Maybe a quick rehearsal to see if all the gear is working and； hopefully； we are still in good form。〃
We put lunch aside with a great deal of pleasure and humped our packs to the concert site。 There was a grove of trees here that were serving as supports for a singularly crude platform。 Planks had been set up between them； with an occasional support stuck in below if the thing sagged too much。 Our audience was reluctantly and suspiciously gathering in the surrounding field。 Small family units with the men all armed with swords or cudgels； keeping close watch on the womenfolk。 Well； this was a slaveholding society so such concern was easily understood。
〃At least they are trying to make it look nice；〃 Madonette said； pointing。 Pretty crude and crummy； I thought； but spoke not my thoughts aloud。 Shuffling slaves had brought up leafy branches which they were arranging around the platform； there were even a few flowers stuck in among the leaves。 Oh； things were really swinging on Liokukae tonight。
I was depressing myself sorely and did not want to pass it on to the others。 〃Here we go； gang！〃 I said swinging my pack up onto the platform and clambering behind it。 〃Our first live performance for this waiting world。 If you don't count that quick gig upon arrival。 Let's show them what a pack of real rats can do！〃
With our appearance the assembling audience took heart and moved closer； lateers hurried to their places。 While we tuned up and played a riff or two； I rolled some thunder effects that had people looking at the sky。 When we were ready to go； Svinjar himself came trundling through the crowd； a couple of armed heavies at his side。 With their help he climbed onto the platform and raised his arms。 The silence was total。 Maybe it was respect； perhaps hatred and fear…or all of them rolled together。 But it worked。 He smiled around at the gathering； lifted his great gut so he could hook his thumbs into his belt。 And spoke。
〃Svinjar takes care of his people。 Svinjar is your friend。 Svinjar brings you The Stainless Steel Rats and their magic music。 Now let us hear a big cheer for them！〃
We got a big murmur which had to do。 While he had been speaking his bully…boys had manhandled a sizable padded chair up onto the platform； it creaked when he dropped into it。
〃Play；〃 he ordered and sat back to enjoy the music。
〃Okay； gang； ready to go！〃 I blew into my lapel microphone and my amplified breath gusted across the audience。 〃Well； hello there music lovers。 By popular appeal…and the fact that we were busted by the narcs … we have e to your sunny planet to bring you the music known right around the galaxy。 It is our very great pleasure now to dedicate this next song to the concert master himself； Svinjar…〃 He nodded acceptance and I rolled a drumroll out across the surrounding fields。
〃A song that you will all know； and hopefully love； something that we can all feel； share； enjoy together； laugh together and cry together。 I bring you our own and original version of that classic of modern musicality…'The Itchy Foot Itch'！〃
There were shouts of joy； screams of pain； wild enthusiasm。 As we launched into this overamplified and very catchy…if not itchy…number。
I get up at dawn and look at the river
The mist rising there it gives me a shiver。
Leaves on the trees they're wet with dew
Looking at them I think of you
Far far away from me today
I don't like it…but all I can say
Is the galaxy's wide and I like to stray
To the stars and beyond 'cause that's my way
I got the
Itchy foot； itchy foot； itchy foot itch！
Gotta keep going； never get rich！
Itchy foot； itchy foot； itchy foot itch！
Keeping me going； ain't that a bitch！
Itchy foot； itchy foot； itchy foot itch！
Keeping me going from place to place
Gotta keep going； what can I do？
Keep going forever…and I'll never see you。
Keep on going round the galaxy…no place is home
For the likes of mee…ee…e…e！
There was a vast amount of itchy foot stomping； let me tell you。 And plenty of cheers and cries of joy when we had finished。 Buoyed up by enthusiasm we played two more numbers before I called a break。
〃Thanks folks； thanks much…you're a great audience。 Now if you will give us a few minutes we'll be right back 。 。 。〃
〃Very well done； well done indeed；〃 Svinjar said； waddling over and plucking the microphone from my lapel。 〃I know that we all have heard these musicians before…on the box…so their delightful entertainment es as no surprise to us all。 Yet still； there is something fine about having them here in person。 I am grateful…I know that everyone out there is grateful。〃 He turned and smiled broadly at me。 A smile that； I could see quite clearly； held no warmth or humor at all。 He turned back and spread his arms wide。
〃I am so grateful that I have prepared a little surprise for all of you out there…do you want to know what it is？〃
Absolute silence now…and a sideways shuffling by the audience。 They appa