DREAD
THERE IS NO delight the equal of dread。 If it were possible to sit； invisible； between two people on any train； in any waiting room or office； the conversation overheard would time and again circle on that subject。 Certainly the debate might appear to be about something entirely different； the state of the nation； idle chat about death on the roads； the rising price of dental care； but strip away the metaphor； the innuendo； and there； nestling at the heart of the discourse； is dread。 While the nature of God； and the possibility of eternal life go undiscussed； we happily chew over the minutiae of misery。 The syndrome recognizes no boundaries； in bath…house and seminar…room alike； the same ritual is repeated。 With the inevitability of a tongue returning to probe a painful tooth； we e back and back and back again to our fears； sitting to talk them over with the eagerness of a hungry man before a full and steaming plate。
While he was still at university； and afraid to speak； Stephen Grace was taught to speak of why he was afraid。 In fact not simply to talk about it； but to analyze and dissect his every nerve ending； looking for tiny terrors。
In this investigation； he had a teacher： Quaid。
It was an age of gurus； it was their season。 In universities up and down England young men and women were looking east and west for people to follow like lambs； Steve Grace was just one of many。 It was his bad luck that Quaid was the Messiah he found。
They'd met in the Student mon Room。
'The name's Quaid；' said the man at Steve's elbow at the bar。
'Oh。'
'You're …？'
'Steve Grace。'
'Yes。 You're in the Ethics class； right？'
'Right。'
'I don't see you in any of the other Philosophy seminars or lectures。'
'It's my extra subject for the year。 I'm on the English Literature course。 I just couldn't bear the idea of a year in the Old Norse classes。'
'So you plumped for Ethics。'
'Yes。'
Quaid ordered a double brandy。 He didn't look that well off； and a double brandy would have just about crippled Steve's finances for the next week。 Quaid downed it quickly； and ordered another。
'What are you having？'
Steve was nursing half a pint of luke…warm lager； determined to make it last an hour。
'Nothing for me。'
'Yes you will。'
'I'm fine。'
'Another brandy and a pint of lager for my friend。'
Steve didn't resist Quaid's generosity。 A pint and a half of lager in his unfed system would help no end in dulling the tedium of his oning seminars on 'Charles Dickens as a Social Analyst'。 He yawned just to think of it。
'Somebody ought to write a thesis on drinking as a social activity。'
Quaid studied his brandy a moment； then downed it。
'Or as oblivion；' he said。
Steve looked at the man。 Perhaps five years older than Steve's twenty。 The mixture of clothes he wore was confusing。 Tattered running shoes； cords； a grey…white shirt that had seen better days： and over it a very expensive black leather jacket that hung badly on his tall； thin frame。 The face was long and unremarkable； the eyes milky…blue； and so pale that the colour seemed to seep into the whites； leaving just the pin…pricks of his irises visible behind his heavy glasses。 Lips full； like a Jagger； but pale； dry and un…sensual。 Hair； a dirty blond。
Quaid； Steve decided； could have passed for a Dutch dope…pusher。
He wore no badges。 They were the mon currency of a student's obsessions； and Quaid looked naked without something to imply how he took his pleasures。 Was he a gay； feminist； save…the…whale campaigner； or a fascist vegetarian？ What was he into； for God's sake？
'You should have been doing Old Norse；' said Quaid。
'Why？'
'They don't even bother to mark the papers on that course；' said Quaid。
Steve hadn't heard about this。 Quaid droned on。
'They just throw them all up into the air。 Face up； an A。 Face down； a B。'
Oh； it was a joke。 Quaid was being witty。 Steve attemp…ted a laugh； but Quaid's face remained unmoved by his own attempt at humour。
'You should be in Old Norse；' he said again。 'Who needs Bishop Berkeley anyhow。 Or Plato。 Or …'
'Or？'
'It's all shit。'
'Yes。'
'I've watched you； in the Philosophy Class …'Steve began to wonder about Quaid。
'… You never take notes do you？' 'No。'
'I thought you were either sublimely confident； or you simply couldn't care less。'
'Neither。 I'm just pletely lost。'
Quaid grunted； and pulled out a pack of cheap cigarettes。 Again； that was not the done thing。 You either smoked Gauloises； Camel or nothing at all。
'It's not true philosophy they teach you here；' said Quaid； with unmistakable contempt。
'Oh？'
'We get spoon…fed a bit of Plato； or a bit of Bentham …no real analysis。 It's got all the right markings of course。 It looks like the beast： it even smells a bit like the beast to the uninitiated。'
〃What beast？'
'Philosophy。 True Philosophy。 It's a beast； Stephen。 Don't you think？'
'I hadn't …'
'It's wild。 It bites。'
He grinned； suddenly vulpine。 'Yes。 It bites；' he replied。 Oh； that pleased him。 Again； for luck： 'Bites。'
Stephen nodded。 The metaphor was beyond him。 'I think we should feel mauled by our subject。' Quaid
was warming to the whole subject of mutilation by education。 'We should be frightened to juggle the ideas we should talk about。'
Why？'
'Because if we were philosophers worth we wouldn't be exchanging academic pleasantries。 We wouldn't be talking semantics； using linguistic trickery to cover the real concerns。'
'What would we be doing？'
Steve was beginning to feel like Quaid's straight man。 except that Quaid wasn't in a joking mood。 His face was set： his pinprick irises had closed down to tiny dots
We should be walking close to the beast； Steve； don't you think？ Reaching out to stroke it； pet it； milk it…'
'What 。 。 。 er 。 。 。 what is the beast？'
Quaid was clearly a little exasperated by the pragmatism of the enquiry。
'It's the subject of any worthwhile philosophy； Stephen。 it's the things we fear； because we don't understand them。 it's the dark behind the door。'
Steve thought of a door。 Thought of the dark。 He began to see what Quaid was driving at in his labyrinthine fashion。 Philosophy was a way to talk about fear。
'We should discuss what's intimate to our psyches；' said Quaid。 'If we don't。。 。 we risk。。。'
Quaid's loquaciousness deserted him suddenly。
〃What？'
Quaid was staring at his empty brandy glass； seeming to will it to be full again。
'Want another？' said Steve； praying that the answer would be no。
'What do we risk？' Quaid repeated the question。 'Well； I think if we don't go out and find the beast …'
Steve could see the punchline ing。
'… sooner or later the beast will e and find us。'
There is no delight the equal of dread。 As long as it's someone else's。
Casually； in the following week or two； Steve made some enquiries about the curious Mr Quaid。
Nobody knew his first name。
Nobody was certain of his age； but one of the secretaries thought he was over thirty； which came as a surprise。
His parents； Cheryl had heard him say； were dead。 Killed； the thought。
That appeared to be the sum of human knowledge where Quaid was concerned。
'I owe you a drink；' said Steve； touching Quaid on the shoulder。
He looked as though he'd been bitten。
'Brandy？'
'Thank you。' Steve ordered the drinks。 'Did I startle you？' 'I was thinking。'
'No philosopher should be without one。'
'One what？'
'Brain。'
They fell to talking。 Steve didn't know why he'd approached Quaid again。 The man was ten years his senior and in a different intellectual league。 He probably intimidated Steve； if he was to be honest about it。 Quaid's relentless talk of beasts confused him。 Yet he wanted more of the same： more metaphors： more of that humourless voice telling him how useless the tutors were； how weak the students。
In Quaid's world there were no certainties。 He had no secular gurus and certainly no religion。 He seemed incapable of viewing any system； whether it was political or philosophical； without cynicism。
Though he seldom laughed out loud； Steve knew there was a bitter humour in his vision of the world。 People were lambs and sheep； all looking for shepherds。 Of course these shepherds were fictions； in Quaid's opinion。 All that existed； in the darkness outside the sheep…fold were the fears that fixed on the innocent mutton： waiting； patient as stone； for their moment。
Everything was to be doubted； but the fact that dread existed。
Quaid's intellectual arrogance was exhilarating。 Steve soon came to love the iconoclastic ease with which he demolished belief after belief。 Sometimes it was painful when Quaid formulated a water…tight argument against one of Steve's dogma。 But after a few weeks； even the sound of the demolition seemed to excite。 Quaid was clearing the undergrowth； felling the trees； razing the stubble。 Steve felt free。
Nation； family； Church； law。 All ash。 All useless。 All cheats； and chains and suffocation。
There was only dread。
'I fear； you fear； we fear；' Quaid was fond of saying。 'He； she or it fears。 There's no conscious thing on the face of the world that doesn't know dread more intimately than i