in the opinion of the undersigned persons； new in the art of letters。
Each of the two actors is described as he appeared to the other。
But the undersigned persons absolutely guarantee the exactitude
of the story； and if their version of the thing be questioned； they；
the undersigned persons； would deucedly well like to know who does
know about it if they don't。
〃The undersigned persons will now adjourn to ‘The Spotted Dog'
for beer。 Farewell。
〃（Signed） James Emerson Eames；
〃Warden of Brakespeare College； Cambridge。
〃Innocent Smith。〃
Chapter II
The Two Curates；
or； the Burglary Charge
Arthur Inglewood handed the document he had just read to the leaders
of the prosecution； who examined it with their heads together。
Both the Jew and the American were of sensitive and excitable stocks；
and they revealed by the jumpings and bumpings of the black head and the
yellow that nothing could be done in the way of denial of the document。
The letter from the Warden was as authentic as the letter from the
Sub…Warden； however regrettably different in dignity and social tone。
〃Very few words；〃 said Inglewood； 〃are required to conclude
our case in this matter。 Surely it is now plain that our client
carried his pistol about with the eccentric but innocent
purpose of giving a wholesome scare to those whom he regarded
as blasphemers。 In each case the scare was so wholesome
that the victim himself has dated from it as from a new birth。
Smith； so far from being a madman； is rather a mad doctor
he walks the world curing frenzies and not distributing them。
That is the answer to the two unanswerable questions which I
put to the prosecutors。 That is why they dared not produce
a line by any one who had actually confronted the pistol。
All who had actually confronted the pistol confessed that they
had profited by it。 That was why Smith； though a good shot；
never hit anybody。 He never hit anybody because he was a good shot。
His mind was as clear of murder as his hands are of blood。
This； I say； is the only possible explanation of these facts
and of all the other facts。 No one can possibly explain
the Warden's conduct except by believing the Warden's story。
Even Dr。 Pym； who is a very factory of ingenious theories；
could find no other theory to cover the case。〃
〃There are promising per…spectives in hypnotism and dual personality；〃
said Dr。 Cyrus Pym dreamily； 〃the science of criminology is in
its infancy； and〃
〃Infancy！〃 cried Moon； jerking his red pencil in the air with a gesture
of enlightenment； 〃why； that explains it！〃
〃I repeat；〃 proceeded Inglewood； 〃that neither Dr。 Pym nor any one else
can account on any other theory but ours for the Warden's signature；
for the shots missed and the witnesses missing。〃
The little Yankee had slipped to his feet with some return
of a cock…fighting coolness。 〃The defence；〃 he said；
〃omits a coldly colossal fact。 They say we produce none of
the actual victims。 Wal； here is one victimEngland's celebrated
and stricken Warner。 I reckon he is pretty well produced。
And they suggest that all the outrages were followed
by reconciliation。 Wal； there's no flies on England's Warner；
and he isn't reconciliated much。〃
〃My learned friend；〃 said Moon； getting elaborately to his feet；
〃must remember that the science of shooting Dr。 Warner is in its infancy。
Dr。 Warner would strike the idlest eye as one specially difficult to startle
into any recognition of the glory of God。 We admit that our client；
in this one instance； failed； and that the operation was not successful。
But I am empowered to offer； on behalf of my client； a proposal
for operating on Dr。 Warner again； at his earliest convenience；
and without further fees。〃
〃'Ang it all； Michael；〃 cried Gould； quite serious for the first time
in his life； 〃you might give us a bit of bally sense for a chinge。〃
〃What was Dr。 Warner talking about just before the first shot？〃
asked Moon sharply。
〃The creature；〃 said Dr。 Warner superciliously； 〃asked me；
with characteristic rationality； whether it was my birthday。〃
〃And you answered； with characteristic swank；〃 cried Moon； shooting out
a long lean finger； as rigid and arresting as the pistol of Smith；
〃that you didn't keep your birthday。〃
〃Something like that；〃 assented the doctor。
〃Then；〃 continued Moon； 〃he asked you why not； and you said it was because you
didn't see that birth was anything to rejoice over。 Agreed？ Now is there
any one who doubts that our tale is true？〃
There was a cold crash of stillness in the room； and Moon said； 〃Pax populi
vox Dei； it is the silence of the people that is the voice of God。 Or in
Dr。 Pym's more civilized language； it is up to him to open the next charge。
On this we claim an acquittal。〃
It was about an hour later。 Dr。 Cyrus Pym had remained for an unprecedented
time with his eyes closed and his thumb and finger in the air。
It almost seemed as if he had been 〃struck so；〃 as the nurses say；
and in the deathly silence Michael Moon felt forced to relieve
the strain with some remark。 For the last half…hour or so the eminent
criminologist had been explaining that science took the same view
of offences against property as id did of offences against life。
〃Most murder；〃 he had said； 〃is a variation of homicidal mania；
and in the same way most theft is a version of kleptomania。
I cannot entertain any doubt that my learned friends opposite
adequately con…ceive how this must involve a scheme of punishment
more tol'rant and humane than the cruel methods of ancient codes。
They will doubtless exhibit consciousness of a chasm so eminently yawning；
so thought…arresting； so〃 It was here that he paused and indulged
in the delicate gesture to which allusion has been made； and Michael
could bear it no longer。
〃Yes； yes；〃 he said impatiently； 〃we admit the chasm。
The old cruel codes accuse a man of theft and send him
to prison for ten years。 The tolerant and humane ticket
accuses him of nothing and sends him to prison for ever。
We pass the chasm。〃
It was characteristic of the eminent Pym； in one of his trances
of verbal fastidiousness； that he went on； unconscious not only
of his opponent's interruption； but even of his own pause。
〃So stock…improving；〃 continued Dr。 Cyrus Pym； 〃so fraught
with real high hopes of the future。 Science therefore
regards thieves； in the abstract； just as it regards murderers。
It regards them not as sinners to be punished for an arbitrary period；
but as patients to be detained and cared for；〃 （his first two digits
closed again as he hesitated）〃in short； for the required period。
But there is something special in the case we investigate here。
Kleptomania commonly con…joins itself〃
〃I beg pardon；〃 said Michael； 〃I did not ask just now because；
to tell the truth； I really though Dr。 Pym； though seemingly vertical；
was enjoying well…earned slumber； with a pinch in his fingers
of scentless and delicate dust。 But now that things are moving
a little more； there is something I should really like to know。
I have hung on Dr。 Pym's lips； of course； with an interest that it
were weak to call rapture； but I have so far been unable to form
any conjecture about what the accused； in the present instance；
is supposed to have been and gone and done。〃
〃If Mr。 Moon will have patience；〃 said Pym with dignity； 〃he will find
that this was the very point to which my exposition was di…rected。
Kleptomania； I say； exhibits itself as a kind of physical attraction
to certain defined materials； and it has been held （by no less a man
than Harris） that this is the ultimate explanation of the strict
specialism and vurry narrow professional outlook of most criminals。
One will have an irresistible physical impulsion towards pearl
sleeve…links； while he passes over the most elegant and celebrated
diamond sleeve…links； placed about in the most conspicuous locations。
Another will impede his flight with no less than forty…seven buttoned boots；
while elastic…sided boots leave him cold； and even sarcastic。
The specialism of the criminal； I repeat； is a mark rather of insanity
than of any brightness of business habits； but there is one kind
of depredator to whom this principle is at first sight hard to apply。
I allude to our fellow…citizen the housebreaker。
〃It has been maintained by some of our boldest young
truth…seekers； that the eye of a burglar beyond the back…garden
wall could hardly be caught and hypnotized by a fork
that is insulated in a locked box under the butler's bed。
They have thrown down the gauntlet to American science on this point。
They declare that diamond links are not left about in conspicuous
locations in the haunts of the lower classes； as they were
in the great test experiment of Calypso College。 We hope this
experiment here will be an answer to that young ringing challenge；
and will bring the burglar once more into line and union
with his fellow criminals。〃
Moon； whose face had gone through every phase of black bewilderment
for five minutes