caldron which the natives； ages ago； named 'Hale mau mau'the abyss
wherein they were wont to throw the remains of their chiefs； to the end
that vulgar feet might never tread above them。 We stood there； at dead
of night； a mile above the level of the sea； and looked down a thousand
feet upon a boiling； surging； roaring ocean of fire！shaded our eyes
from the blinding glare； and gazed far away over the crimson waves with a
vague notion that a supernatural fleet； manned by demons and freighted
with the damned； might presently sail up out of the remote distance；
started when tremendous thunder…bursts shook the earth； and followed with
fascinated eyes the grand jets of molten lava that sprang high up toward
the zenith and exploded in a world of fiery spray that lit up the somber
heavens with an infernal splendor。
〃What is your little bonfire of Vesuvius to this？〃
My ejaculation roused my companion from his reverie； and we fell into a
conversation appropriate to the occasion and the surroundings。 We came
at last to speak of the ancient custom of casting the bodies of dead
chieftains into this fearful caldron； and my comrade； who is of the blood
royal； mentioned that the founder of his race； old King Kamehameha the
Firstthat invincible old pagan Alexanderhad found other sepulture
than the burning depths of the 'Hale mau mau'。 I grew interested at
once； I knew that the mystery of what became of the corpse of the warrior
king hail never been fathomed； I was aware that there was a legend
connected with this matter； and I felt as if there could be no more
fitting time to listen to it than the present。 The descendant of the
Kamehamehas said：
The dead king was brought in royal state down the long； winding road that
descends from the rim of the crater to the scorched and chasm…riven plain
that lies between the 'Hale mau mau' and those beetling walls yonder in
the distance。 The guards were set and the troops of mourners began the
weird wail for the departed。 In the middle of the night came a sound of
innumerable voices in the air and the rush of invisible wings； the
funeral torches wavered； burned blue； and went out。 The mourners and
watchers fell to the ground paralyzed by fright； and many minutes elapsed
before any one dared to move or speak； for they believed that the phantom
messengers of the dread Goddess of Fire had been in their midst。 When at
last a torch was lighted the bier was vacantthe dead monarch had been
spirited away！
APPENDIX F
THE INNOCENTS ABROAD
（See Chapter lx）
NEW YORK 〃HERALD〃 EDITORIAL ON THE RETURN OF THE 〃QUAKER CITY〃
PILGRIMAGE； NOVEMBER 19； 1867
In yesterday's Herald we published a most amusing letter from the pen of
that most amusing American genius； Mark Twain； giving an account of that
most amusing of all modern pilgrimagesthe pilgrimage of the 'Quaker
City'。 It has been amusing all through； this Quaker City affair。 It
might have become more serious than amusing if the ship had been sold at
Jaffa； Alexandria； or Yalta； in the Black Sea； as it appears might have
happened。 In such a case the passengers would have been more effectually
sold than the ship。 The descendants of the Puritan pilgrims have；
naturally enough； some of them； an affection for ships； but if all that
is said about this religious cruise be true they have also a singularly
sharp eye to business。 It was scarcely wise on the part of the pilgrims；
although it was well for the public； that so strange a genius as Mark
Twain should have found admission into the sacred circle。 We are not
aware whether Mr。 Twain intends giving us a book on this pilgrimage； but
we do know that a book written from his own peculiar standpoint； giving
an account of the characters and events on board ship and of the scenes
which the pilgrims witnessed； would command an almost unprecedented sale。
There are varieties of genius peculiar to America。 Of one of these
varieties Mark Twain is a striking specimen。 For the development of his
peculiar genius he has never had a more fitting opportunity。 Besides；
there are some things which he knows； and which the world ought to know；
about this last edition of the Mayflower。
APPENDIX G
MARK TWAIN AT THE CORRESPONDENTS CLUB； WASHINGTON
（See Chapter lxiii）
WOMAN
A EULOGY OF THE FAIR SEX
The Washington Correspondents Club held its anniversary on Saturday
night。 Mr。 Clemens； better known as Mark Twain； responded to the toast；
〃Woman； the pride of the professions and the jewel of ours。〃 He said：
Mr。 President；I do not know why I should have been singled out to
receive the greatest distinction of the eveningfor so the office of
replying to the toast to woman has been regarded in every age。
＇Applause。＇ I do not know why I have received this distinction； unless it
be that I am a trifle less homely than the other members of the club。
But； be this as it may； Mr。 President； I am proud of the position； and
you could not have chosen any one who would have accepted it more gladly；
or labored with a heartier goodwill to do the subject justice； than I。
Because； Sir； I love the sex。 ＇Laughter。＇ I love all the women； sir；
irrespective of age or color。 ＇Laughter。＇
Human intelligence cannot estimate what we owe to woman； sir。 She sews
on our buttons ＇laughter＇； she mends our clothes ＇laughter＇； she ropes us
in at the church fairs； she confides in us； she tells us whatever she can
find out about the private affairs of the neighbors； she gives good
advice； and plenty of it； she gives us a piece of her mind sometimesand
sometimes all of it； she soothes our aching brows； she bears our
children。 （Ours as a general thing。） ＇this last line appears in
Twain's published speeches and may have been added later。 D。W。＇）
In all relations of life； sir； it is but just and a graceful tribute to
woman to say of her that she is a brick。 ＇Great laughter。＇
Wheresoever you place woman； sirin whatsoever position or estateshe
is an ornament to that place she occupies； and a treasure to the world。
＇Here Mr。 Twain paused； looked inquiringly at his hearers； and remarked
that the applause should come in at this point。 It came in。 Mr。 Twain
resumed his eulogy。＇ Look at the noble names of history！ Look at
Cleopatra！ Look at Desdemona！ Look at Florence Nightingale！ Look at
Joan of Arc！ Look at Lucretia Borgia！ ＇Disapprobation expressed。
〃Well；〃 said Mr。 Twain； scratching his head； doubtfully； 〃suppose we let
Lucretia slide。〃＇ Look at Joyce Heth！ Look at Mother Eve！ I repeat；
sir； look at the illustrious names of history！ Look at the Widow
Machree！ Look at Lucy Stone！ Look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton！ Look at
George Francis Train！ ＇Great laughter。＇ And； sir； I say with bowed head
and deepest veneration； look at the mother of Washington！ She raised a
boy that could not liecould not lie。 ＇Applause。＇ But he never had any
chance。 It might have been different with him if he had belonged to a
newspaper correspondents' club。 ＇Laughter； groans； hisses； cries of 〃put
him out。〃 Mark looked around placidly upon his excited audience； and
resumed。＇
I repeat； sir； that in whatsoever position you place a woman she is an
ornament to society and a treasure to the world。 As a sweetheart she has
few equals and no superior ＇laughter＇； as a cousin she is convenient； as
a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper she is precious； as a
wet nurse she has no equal among men！ ＇Laughter。＇
What； sir； would the people of this earth be without woman？ They would
be scarce； sir。 （Mighty scarce。） ＇another line added later in the
published 'Speeches'。 D。W。＇ Then let us cherish her； let us protect her；
let us give her our support； our encouragement； our sympathyourselves；
if we get a chance。 ＇Laughter。＇
But； jesting aside； Mr。 President； woman is lovable； gracious； kind of
heart； beautiful； worthy of all respect； of all esteem； of all deference。
Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially； for each
and every one of us has personally known； loved； and honored the very
best one of them allhis own mother！ ＇Applause。＇
APPENDIX H
ANNOUNCEMENT FOR LECTURE OF JULY 2； 1868
（See Chapter lxvi）
THE PUBLIC TO MARK TWAIN…CORRESPONDENCE
SAN FRANCISCO； June 30th。
MR。 MARK TWAINDEAR SIR；Hearing that you are about to sail for New
York in the P。 M。 S。 S。 Company's steamer of the 6th July； to publish a
book； and learning with the deepest concern that you propose to read a
chapter or two of that book in public before you go； we take this method
of expressing our cordial desire that you will not。 We beg and implore
you do not。 There is a limit to human endurance。
We are your personal friends。 We have your welfare at heart。 We desire
to see you prosper。 And it is upon these accounts； and upon these only；
that we urge you to desist from the new atrocity you contemplate。 Yours
truly；
60 names including： Bret Harte； Maj。…Gen。 Ord； Maj。…Gen。 Halleck；
The Orphan Asylum； and various Benevolent Societies； Citizens on
Foot and Horseback； and 1500 in the Steerage。
（REPLY）