been through； my friend。 When I woke at seven they were leaving； thank
goodness； and Mr。 Longfellow had my only boots on and his'n under his
arm。 Says I； 'Hold on there； Evangeline； what are you going to do with
them？' He says； 'Going to make tracks with 'em； because
〃'Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime；
And； departing； leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time。'
As I said； Mr。 Twain； you are the fourth in twenty…four hours
and I'm going to move； I ain't suited to a Littery atmosphere。〃
I said to the miner； 〃Why； my dear sir； these were not the gracious
singers to whom we and the world pay loving reverence and homage； these
were impostors。〃
The miner investigated me with a calm eye for a while； then said he； 〃Ah！
impostors； were they？ Are you？〃
I did not pursue the subject； and since then I have not traveled on my
'nom de guerre' enough to hurt。 Such was the reminiscence I was moved to
contribute； Mr。 Chairman。 In my enthusiasm I may have exaggerated the
details a little； but you will easily forgive me that fault； since I
believe it is the first time I have ever deflected from perpendicular
fact on an occasion like this。
APPENDIX P
THE ADAM MONUMENT PETITION
（See Chapter cxxxiv）
TO THE HONORABLE SENATE AND HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE UNITED STATES
IN CONGRESS ASSEMBLED。
WHEREAS； A number of citizens of the city of Elmira in the State of New
York having covenanted among themselves to erect in that city a monument
in memory of Adam； the father of mankind； being moved thereto by a
sentiment of love and duty； and these having appointed the undersigned to
communicate with your honorable body； we beg leave to lay before you the
following facts and append to the same our humble petition。
1。 As far as is known no monument has ever been raised in any part of
the world to commemorate the services rendered to our race by this great
man； whilst many men of far less note and worship have been rendered
immortal by means of stately and indestructible memorials。
2。 The common father of mankind has been suffered to lie in entire
neglect； although even the Father of our Country has now； and has had for
many years； a monument in course of construction。
3。 No right…feeling human being can desire to see this neglect
continued； but all just men； even to the farthest regions of the globe；
should and will rejoice to know that he to whom we owe existence is about
to have reverent and fitting recognition of his works at the hands of the
people of Elmira。 His labors were not in behalf of one locality； but for
the extension of humanity at large and the blessings which go therewith；
hence all races and all colors and all religions are interested in seeing
that his name and fame shall be placed beyond the reach of the blight of
oblivion by a permanent and suitable monument。
4。 It will be to the imperishable credit of the United States if this
monument shall be set up within her borders； moreover； it will be a
peculiar grace to the beneficiary if this testimonial of affection and
gratitude shall be the gift of the youngest of the nations that have
sprung from his loins after 6；000 years of unappreciation on the part of
its elders。
5。 The idea of this sacred enterprise having originated in the city of
Elmira； she will be always grateful if the general government shall
encourage her in the good work by securing to her a certain advantage
through the exercise of its great authority。
Therefore； Your petitioners beg that your honorable body will be pleased
to issue a decree restricting to Elmira the right to build a monument to
Adam and inflicting a heavy penalty upon any other community within the
United States that shall propose or attempt to erect a monument or other
memorial to the said Adam； and to this end we will ever pray。
NAMES： （100 signatures）
APPENDIX Q
GENERAL GRANT'S GRAMMAR
（Written in 1886。 Delivered at an Army and Navy Club dinner in New York
City）
Lately a great and honored author； Matthew Arnold； has been finding fault
with General Grant's English。 That would be fair enough； maybe； if the
examples of imperfect English averaged more instances to the page in
General Grant's book than they do in Arnold's criticism on the bookbut
they do not。 It would be fair enough； maybe； if such instances were
commoner in General Grant's book than they are in the works of the
average standard authorbut they are not。 In fact； General Grant's
derelictions in the matter of grammar and construction are not more
frequent than such derelictions in the works of a majority of the
professional authors of our time； and of all previous timesauthors as
exclusively and painstakingly trained to the literary trade as was
General Grant to the trade of war。 This is not a random statement： it is
a fact； and easily demonstrable。 I have a book at home called Modern
English Literature： Its Blemishes and Defects； by Henry H。 Breen； a
countryman of Mr。 Arnold。 In it I find examples of bad grammar and
slovenly English from the pens of Sydney Smith； Sheridan； Hallam；
Whately； Carlyle； Disraeli； Allison； Junius； Blair； Macaulay；
Shakespeare； Milton； Gibbon； Southey； Lamb； Landor； Smollett； Walpole；
Walker （of the dictionary）； Christopher North； Kirk White； Benjamin
Franklin； Sir Walter Scott； and Mr。 Lindley Murray （who made the
grammar）。
In Mr。 Arnold's criticism on General Grant's book we find two grammatical
crimes and more than several examples of very crude and slovenly English；
enough of them to entitle him to a lofty place in the illustrious list of
delinquents just named。
The following passage all by itself ought to elect him：
〃Meade suggested to Grant that he might wish to have immediately
under him Sherman； who had been serving with Grant in the West。 He
begged him not to hesitate if he thought it for the good of the
service。 Grant assured him that he had not thought of moving him；
and in his memoirs； after relating what had passed； he adds； etc。〃
To read that passage a couple of times would make a man dizzy； to read it
four times would make him drunk。
Mr。 Breen makes this discriminating remark： 〃To suppose that because a
man is a poet or a historian he must be correct in his grammar is to
suppose that an architect must be a joiner； or a physician a compounder
of medicine。〃
People may hunt out what microscopic motes they please； but； after all；
the fact remains； and cannot be dislodged； that General Grant's book is a
great and； in its peculiar department； a unique and unapproachable
literary masterpiece。 In their line there is no higher literature than
those modest； simple memoirs。 Their style is at least flawless and no
man could improve upon it； and great books are weighed and measured by
their style and matter； and not by the trimmings and shadings of their
grammar。
There is that about the sun which makes us forget his spots； and when we
think of General Grant our pulses quicken and his grammar vanishes； we
only remember that this is the simple soldier who； all untaught of the
silken phrase…makers； linked words together with an art surpassing the
art of the schools and put into them a something which will still bring
to American ears； as long as America shall last； the roll of his vanished
drums and the tread of his marching hosts。 What do we care for grammar
when we think of those thunderous phrases； 〃Unconditional and immediate
surrender；〃 〃I propose to move immediately upon your works；〃 〃I propose
to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer。〃 Mr。 Arnold would
doubtless claim that that last phrase is not strictly grammatical； and
yet it did certainly wake up this nation as a hundred million tons of A…
number…one fourth…proof； hard…boiled； hide…bound grammar from another
mouth could not have done。 And finally we have that gentler phrase； that
one which shows you another true side of the man； shows you that in his
soldier heart there was room for other than gory war mottoes and in his
tongue the gift to fitly phrase them： 〃Let us have peace。〃
APPENDIX R
PARTY ALLEGIANCE
BEING A PORTION OF A PAPER ON 〃CONSISTENCY；〃 READ BEFORE THE MONDAY
EVENING CLUB IN 1887
（See Chapter clxiii）
。 。 。 I have referred to the fact that when a man retires from his
political party he is a traitorthat he is so pronounced in plain
language。 That is bold； so bold as to deceive many into the fancy that
it is true。 Desertion； treasonthese are the terms applied。 Their
military form reveals the thought in the man's mind who uses them： to him
a political party is an army。 Well； is it？ Are the two things
identical？ Do they even resemble each other？ Necessarily a political
party is not an army of conscripts； for they are in the ranks by
compulsion。 Then it must be a regular army or an army of volunteers。
Is it a regular army？ No； for these enlist for a specified and well…
understood term； and can retire without reproach when the term is up。
Is it an army of volunteers who have enlisted for the war； and may
righteously be shot if