pigs is pigs- 第1部分

〃Pigs　is　Pigs〃

by　Ellis　Parker　Butler






Mike　Flannery；　the　Westcote　agent　of　the　Interurban　Express　Company；
leaned　over　the　counter　of　the　express　office　and　shook　his　fist。　Mr。
Morehouse；　angry　and　red；　stood　on　the　other　side　of　the　counter；
trembling　with　rage。　The　argument　had　been　long　and　heated；　and　at　last
Mr。　Morehouse　had　talked　himself　speechless。　The　cause　of　the　trouble
stood　on　the　counter　between　the　two　men。　It　was　a　soap　box　across　the　top
of　which　were　nailed　a　number　of　strips；　forming　a　rough　but　serviceable
cage。　In　it　two　spotted　guinea…pigs　were　greedily　eating　lettuce　leaves。

〃Do　as　you　loike；　then！〃　shouted　Flannery；　〃pay　for　thim　an'　take　thim；　or
don't　pay　for　thim　and　leave　thim　be。　Rules　is　rules；　Misther　Morehouse；
an'　Mike　Flannery's　not　goin'　to　be　called　down　fer　breakin'　of　thim。〃

〃But；　you　everlastingly　stupid　idiot！〃　shouted　Mr。　Morehouse；　madly
shaking　a　flimsy　printed　book　beneath　the　agent's　nose；　〃can't　you　read
it　here…in　your　own　plain　printed　rates？　'Pets；　domestic；　Franklin　to
Westcote；　if　properly　boxed；　twenty…five　cents　each。'〃　He　threw　the　book
on　the　counter　in　disgust。　　〃What　more　do　you　want？　Aren't　they　pets？
Aren't　they　domestic？　Aren't　they　properly　boxed？　What？〃

He　turned　and　walked　back　and　forth　rapidly；　frowning　ferociously。

Suddenly　he　turned　to　Flannery；　and　forcing　his　voice　to　an　artificial
calmness　spoke　slowly　but　with　intense　sarcasm。

〃Pets；〃　he　said　〃P…e…t…s！　Twenty…five　cents　each。　There　are　two　of　them。
One！　Two！　Two　times　twenty…five　are　fifty！　Can　you　understand　that？　I
offer　you　fifty　cents。〃

Flannery　reached　for　the　book。　He　ran　his　hand　through　the　pages　and
stopped　at　page　sixty　four。

〃An'　I　don't　take　fifty　cints；〃　he　whispered　in　mockery。　〃Here's　the　rule
for　ut。　'Whin　the　agint　be　in　anny　doubt　regardin'　which　of　two　rates
applies　to　a　shipment；　he　shall　charge　the　larger。　The　con…sign…ey　may
file　a　claim　for　the　overcharge。'　In　this　case；　Misther　Morehouse；　I　be　in
doubt。　Pets　thim　animals　may　be；　an'　domestic　they　be；　but　pigs　I'm　blame
sure　they　do　be；　an'　me　rules　says　plain　as　the　nose　on　yer　face；　'Pigs
Franklin　to　Westcote；　thirty　cints　each。'　An'　Mister　Morehouse；　by　me
arithmetical　knowledge　two　times　thurty　comes　to　sixty　cints。〃

Mr。　Morehouse　shook　his　head　savagely。　〃Nonsense！〃　he　shouted；　〃confounded
nonsense；　I　tell　you！　Why；　you　poor　ignorant　foreigner；　that　rule　means
common　pigs；　domestic　pigs；　not　guinea　pigs！〃

Flannery　was　stubborn。

〃Pigs　is　pigs；〃　he　declared　firmly。　〃Guinea…pigs；　or　dago　pigs　or　Irish
pigs　is　all　the　same　to　the　Interurban　Express　Company　an'　to　Mike
Flannery。　Th'　nationality　of　the　pig　creates　no　differentiality　in　the
rate；　Misther　Morehouse！　'Twould　be　the　same　was　they　Dutch　pigs　or
Rooshun　pigs。　Mike　Flannery；〃　he　added；　〃is　here　to　tind　to　the　expriss
business　and　not　to　hould　conversation　wid　dago　pigs　in　sivinteen
languages　fer　to　discover　be　they　Chinese　or　Tipperary　by　birth　an'
nativity。〃

Mr。　Morehouse　hesitated。　He　bit　his　lip　and　then　flung　out　his　arms
wildly。

〃Very　well！〃　he　shouted；　〃you　shall　hear　of　this！　Your　president　shall
hear　of　this！　It　is　an　outrage！　I　have　offered　you　fifty　cents。　You　refuse
it！　Keep　the　pigs　until　you　are　ready　to　take　the　fifty　cents；　but；　by
George；　sir；　if　one　hair　of　those　pigs'　heads　is　harmed　I　will　have　the
law　on　you！〃

He　turned　and　stalked　out；　slamming　the　door。　Flannery　carefully　lifted
the　soap　box　from　the　counter　and　placed　it　in　a　corner。　He　was　not
worried。　He　felt　the　peace　that　comes　to　a　faithful　servant　who　has　done
his　duty　and　done　it　well。

Mr。　Morehouse　went　home　raging。　His　boy；　who　had　been　awaiting　the
guinea…pigs；　knew　better　than　to　ask　him　for　them。　He　was　a　normal　boy　and
therefore　always　had　a　guilty　conscience　when　his　father　was　angry。　So　the
boy　slipped　quietly　around　the　house。　There　is　nothing　so　soothing　to　a
guilty　conscience　as　to　be　out　of　the　path　of　the　avenger。　Mr。　Morehouse
stormed　into　the　house。　〃Where's　the　ink？〃　he　shouted　at　his　wife　as　soon
as　his　foot　was　across　the　doorsill。

Mrs。　Morehouse　jumped；　guiltily。　She　never　used　ink。　She　had　not　seen　the
ink。；　nor　moved　the　ink；　nor　thought　of　the　ink；　but　her　husband's　tone
convicted　her　of　the　guilt　of　having　borne　and　reared　a　boy；　and　she　knew
that　whenever　her　husband　wanted　anything　in　a　loud　voice　the　boy　had　been
at　it。

〃I'll　find　Sammy；〃　she　said　meekly。

When　the　ink　was　found　Mr。　　Morehouse　wrote　rapidly；　and　he　read　the
completed　letter　and　smiled　a　triumphant　smile。

〃That　will　settle　that　crazy　Irishman！〃　he　exclaimed。　〃When　they　get　that
letter　he　will　hunt　another　job；　all　right！〃

A　week　later　Mr。　Morehouse　received　a　long　official　envelope　with　the　card
of　the　Interurban　Express　Company　in　the　upper　left　corner。　He　tore　it
open　eagerly　and　drew　out　a　sheet　of　paper。　At　the　top　it　bore　the　number
A6754。　The　letter　was　short。　〃SubjectRate　on　guinea…pigs；〃　it　said；　〃Dr。
SirWe　are　in　receipt　of　your　letter　regarding　rate　on　guinea…pigs
between　Franklin　and　Westcote　addressed　to　the　president　of　this　company。
All　claims　for　overcharge　should　be　addressed　to　the　Claims　Department。〃

Mr。　Morehouse　wrote　to　the　Claims　Department。　He　wrote　six　pages　of　choice
sarcasm；　vituperation　and　argument；　and　sent　them　to　the　Claims
Department。

A　few　weeks　later　he　received　a　reply　from　the　Claims　Department。　Attached
to　it　was　his　last　letter。

〃Dr。　Sir；〃　said　the　reply。　〃Your　letter　of　the　16th　inst。；　addressed　to
this　Department；　subject　rate　on　guinea…　pigs　from　Franklin　to　Westcote；
ree'd。　We　have　taken　up　the　matter　with　our　agent　at　Westcote；　and　his
reply　is　attached　herewith。　He　informs　us　that　you　refused　to　receive　the
consignment　or　to　pay　the　charges。　You　have　therefore　no　claim　against
this　company；　and　your　letter　regarding　the　proper　rate　on　the　consignment
should　be　addressed　to　our　Tariff　Department。〃

Mr。　Morehouse　wrote　to　the　Tariff　Department。　He　stated　his　case　clearly；
and　gave　his　arguments　in　full；　quoting　a　page　or　two　from　the
encyclopedia　to　prove　that　guinea…pigs　were　not　common　pigs。

With　the　care　that　characterizes　corporations　when　they　are　systematically
conducted；　Mr。　Morehouse's　letter　was　numbered；　O。K'd；　and　started　through
the　regular　channels。　Duplicate　copies　of　the　bill　of　lading；　manifest；
Flannery's　receipt　for　the　package　and　several　other　pertinent　papers　were
pinned　to　the　letter；　and　they　were　passed　to　the　head　of　the　Tariff
Department。

The　head　of　the　Tariff　Department　put　his　feet　on　his　desk　and　yawned。　He
looked　through　the　papers　carelessly。

〃Miss　Kane；〃　he　said　to　his　stenographer；　〃take　this　letter。　'Agent；
Westcote；　N。　J。　Please　advise　why　consignment　referred　to　in　attached
papers　was　refused　domestic　pet　rates。〃'

Miss　Kane　made　a　series　of　curves　and　angles　on　her　note　book　and　waited
with　pencil　poised。　The　head　of　the　department　looked　at　the　papers　again。

〃Huh！　guinea…pigs！〃　he　said。　〃Probably　starved　to　death　by　this　time！　Add
this　to　that　letter：　'Give　condition　of　consignment　at　present。'〃

He　tossed　the　papers　on　to　the　stenographer's　desk；　took　his　feet　from　his
own　desk　and　went　out　to　lunch。

When　Mike　Flannery　received　the　letter　he　scratched　his　head。

〃Give　prisint　condition；〃　he　repeated　thoughtfully。　〃Now　what　do　thim
clerks　be　wantin'　to　know；　I　wonder！　'Prisint　condition；　'is　ut？　Thim
pigs；　praise　St。　Patrick；　do　be　in　good　health；　so　far　as　I　know；　but　I
niver　was　no　veternairy　surgeon　to　dago　pigs。　Mebby　thim　clerks　wants　me
to　call　in　the　pig　docther　an'　have　their　pulses　took。　Wan　thing　I　do
know；　howiver；　which　is　they've　glorious　appytites　for　pigs　of　their
soize。　Ate？　They'd　ate　the　brass　padlocks　off　of　a　barn　door　I　If　the
paddy　pig；　by　the　same　token；　ate　as　hearty　as　these　dago　pigs　do；　there'd
be　a　famine　in　Ireland。〃

To　assure　himself　that　his　report　would　be　up　to　date；　Flannery　went　to
the　rear　of　the　office　and　looked　into　the　cage。　The　pigs　had　been
transferred　to　a　larger　boxa　dry　goods　box。

〃Wan；　　two；　　t'ree；　　four；　　five；　　six；　　sivin；　　eight！〃　he
counted。　〃Sivin　spotted　an'　wan　all　black。　All　well　an'　hearty　an'　all
eatin'　loike　ragin'　hippypottymusses。　He　went　back　to　his　desk　and　wrote。

〃Mr。　Morgan；　Head　of　Tariff　Department；〃　he　wrote。　〃Why　do　I　say　dago　pigs
is　pigs　because　they　is　pigs　and　will　be　til　you　say　they　ain't　which　is
what　the　rule　book　says　stop　your　jollying　me　you　know　it　as　well　as　I　do。
As　to　health　they　are　all　well　and　hoping　you　are　the　same。　P。　S。　There
are　eight　now　the　family　increased　all　good　eaters。　P。　S。　I　paid　out　so
far　two　dollars　for　cabbage　which　they　like　shall　I　put　in　bill　for　same
what？〃

Morgan；　head　of　the　Tariff　Department；　when　he　received　this　letter；
laughed。　He　read　it　again　and　became　serious。

〃By　George！〃　he　said；　〃Flannery　is　right；　'pigs　is　pigs。'　I'll　have　to　get
authority　on　this　thing。　Meanwhile；　Miss　Kane；　take　this　letter：　Agent；
Westcote；　N。　J。　Regarding　shipment　guinea…pigs；　File　No。　A6754。　Rule　83；
Gen。　eral　Instruction　to　Agents；　clearly　states　that　agents　shall　collect
from　consignee　all　costs　of　provender；　etc。；　etc