REECE； the MANTELPIECE； And all her happy crew。
I showed how any captain may Attach his men to him； If he but heeds
their smallest needs； And studies every whim。
Now mark how； by Draconic rule And HAUTEUR ill…advised； The
noblest crew upon the Blue May be demoralized。
When his ungrateful country placed Kind REECE upon half…pay；
Without much claim SIR BERKELY came； And took command one day。
SIR BERKELY was a martinet … A stern unyielding soul … Who ruled
his ship by dint of whip And horrible black…hole。
A sailor who was overcome From having freely dined； And chanced to
reel when at the wheel； He instantly confined！
And tars who； when an action raged； Appeared alarmed or scared； And
those below who wished to go； He very seldom spared。
E'en he who smote his officer For punishment was booked； And
mutinies upon the seas He rarely overlooked。
In short； the happy MANTELPIECE； Where all had gone so well；
Beneath that fool SIR BERKELY'S rule Became a floating hell。
When first SIR BERKELY came aboard He read a speech to all； And
told them how he'd made a vow To act on duty's call。
Then WILLIAM LEE； he up and said （The Captain's coxswain he）；
〃We've heard the speech your honour's made； And werry pleased we be。
〃We won't pretend； my lad； as how We're glad to lose our REECE；
Urbane； polite； he suited quite The saucy MANTELPIECE。
〃But if your honour gives your mind To study all our ways； With dance
and song we'll jog along As in those happy days。
〃I like your honour's looks； and feel You're worthy of your sword。
Your hand； my lad … I'm doosid glad To welcome you aboard！〃
SIR BERKELY looked amazed； as though He didn't understand。
〃Don't shake your head；〃 good WILLIAM said； 〃It is an honest hand。
〃It's grasped a better hand than yourn … Come； gov'nor； I insist！〃 The
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃Down； upstart！〃 said the hardy salt； But BERKELY dodged his aim；
And made him go in chains below： The seamen murmured 〃Shame！〃
He stopped all songs at 12 p。m。； Stopped hornpipes when at sea； And
swore his cot （or bunk） should not Be used by aught than he。
He never joined their daily mess； Nor asked them to his own； But
chaffed in gay and social way The officers alone。
His First Lieutenant； PETER； was As useless as could be； A helpless
stick； and always sick When there was any sea。
This First Lieutenant proved to be His foster…sister MAY； Who went to
sea for love of he In masculine array。
And when he learnt the curious fact； Did he emotion show； Or dry her
tears or end her fears By marrying her？ No！
Or did he even try to soothe This maiden in her teens？ Oh； no！ instead
he made her wed The Sergeant of Marines！
Of course such Spartan discipline Would make an angel fret； They
drew a lot； and WILLIAM shot This fearful martinet。
The Admiralty saw how ill They'd treated CAPTAIN REECE； He was
restored once more aboard The saucy MANTELPIECE。
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
O
HIS LASS。
I GO away this blessed day； To sail across the sea； MATILDA！ My
vessel starts for various parts At twenty after three； MATILDA。 I hardly
know where we may go； Or if it's near or far； MATILDA； For CAPTAIN
HYDE does not confide In any 'fore…mast tar； MATILDA！
Beneath my ban that mystic man Shall suffer； COUTE QUI COUTE；
MATILDA！ What right has he to keep from me The Admiralty route；
MATILDA？ Because； forsooth！ I am a youth Of common sailors' lot；
MATILDA！ Am I a man on human plan Designed； or am I not；
MATILDA？
But there； my lass； we'll let that pass！ With anxious love I burn；
MATILDA。 I want to know if we shall go To church when I return；
MATILDA？ Your eyes are red； you bow your head； It's pretty clear you
thirst； MATILDA； To name the day … What's that you say？ … 〃You'll see me
further first；〃 MATILDA？
I can't mistake the signs you make； Although you barely speak；
MATILDA； Though pure and young； you thrust your tongue Right in your
pretty cheek； MATILDA！ My dear； I fear I hear you sneer … I do … I'm sure
I do； MATILDA！ With simple grace you make a face； Ejaculating； 〃Ugh！〃
MATILDA。
Oh； pause to think before you drink The dregs of Lethe's cup；
MATILDA！ Remember； do； what I've gone through； Before you give me
up； MATILDA！ Recall again the mental pain Of what I've had to do；
MATILDA！ And be assured that I've endured It； all along of you；
MATILDA！
Do you forget； my blithesome pet； How once with jealous rage；
MATILDA； I watched you walk and gaily talk With some one thrice your
age； MATILDA？ You squatted free upon his knee； A sight that made me
sad； MATILDA！ You pinched his cheek with friendly tweak； Which
almost drove me mad； MATILDA！
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
I've passed a life of toil and strife； And disappointments deep；
MATILDA； I've lain awake with dental ache Until I fell asleep；
MATILDA！ At times again I've missed a train； Or p'rhaps run short of tin；
MATILDA； And worn a boot on corns that shoot； Or； shaving； cut my chin；
MATILDA。
But； oh！ no trains … no dental pains … Believe me when I say；
MATILDA； No corns that shoot … no pinching boot Upon a summer day；
MATILDA … It's my belief； could cause such grief As that I've suffered for；
MATILDA； My having shot in vital spot Your old progenitor； MATILDA。
Bethink you how I've kept the vow I made one winter day； MATILDA
…That； come what could； I never would Remain too long away； MATILDA。
And； oh！ the crimes with which； at times； I've charged my gentle mind；
MATILDA； To keep the vow I made … and now You treat me so unkind；
MATILDA！
For when at sea； off Caribbee； I felt my passion burn； MATILDA； By
passion egged； I went and begged The captain to return； MATILDA。 And
when； my pet； I couldn't get That captain to agree； MATILDA； Right
through a sort of open port I pitched him in the sea； MATILDA！
Remember； too； how all the crew With indignation blind； MATILDA；
Distinctly swore they ne'er before Had thought me so unkind； MATILDA。
And how they'd shun me one by one … An unforgiving group； MATILDA I
stopped their howls and sulky scowls By pizening their soup；
MATILDA！
So pause to think； before you drink The dregs of Lethe's cup；
MATILDA； Remember； do； what I've gone through； Before you give me
up； MATILDA。 Recall again the mental pain Of what I've had to do；
MATILDA； And be assured that I've endured It； all along of you；
MATILDA！
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
N
MAGUS。
A RICH advowson； highly prized； For private sale was advertised；
And many a parson made a bid； The REVEREND SIMON MAGUS did。
He sought the agent's： 〃Agent； I Have come prepared at once to buy （If
your demand is not too big） The Cure of Otium…cum…Digge。〃
〃Ah！〃 said the agent； 〃THERE'S a berth … The snuggest vicarage on
earth； No sort of duty （so I hear）； And fifteen hundred pounds a year！
〃If on the price we should agree； The living soon will vacant be； The
good incumbent's ninety five； And cannot very long survive。
See … here's his photograph … you see； He's in his dotage。〃 〃Ah； dear me！
Poor soul！〃 said SIMON。 〃His decease Would be a merciful release！〃
The agent laughed … the agent blinked … The agent blew his nose and
winked … And poked the parson's ribs in play … It was that agent's vulgar
way。
The REVEREND SIMON frowned： 〃I grieve This light demeanour to
perceive； It's scarcely COMME IL FAUT； I think： Now … pray oblige me do
not wink。
〃Don't dig my waistcoat into holes … Your mission is to sell the souls
Of human sheep and human kids To that divine who highest bids。
〃Do well in this； and on your head Unnumbered honours will be shed。〃
The agent said； 〃Well； truth to tell； I HAVE been doing very well。〃
〃You should；〃 said SIMON； 〃at your age； But now about the parsonage。
How many rooms does it contain？ Show me the photograph again。
〃A poor apostle's humble house Must not be too luxurious； No stately
halls with oaken floor … It should be decent and no more。
〃 No billiard…rooms … no stately trees … No croquet…grounds or
pineries。〃 〃Ah！〃 sighed the agent； 〃very true： This property won't do for
you。〃
〃All these about the house you'll find。〃 …〃Well；〃 said the parson；
〃never mind； I'll manage to submit to these Luxurious superfluities。
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃To preach three times on Sabbath days …To wean the lost from
wicked ways … The sick to soothe … the sane to wed … The poor to feed with
meat and bread；
〃These are the various wholesome ways In which I'll spend my nights
and days： My zeal will have no time to cool At croquet； archery； or pool。〃
The agent said； 〃From what I hear； This living will not suit； I fear There
are no poor； no sick at all； For servic