The agent said； 〃From what I hear； This living will not suit； I fear There
are no poor； no sick at all； For services there is no call。〃
The reverend gent looked grave； 〃Dear me！ Then there is NO 'society'？
… I mean； of course； no sinners there Whose souls will be my special care？〃
The cunning agent shook his head； 〃No； none … except〃 … （the agent
said） … 〃The DUKE OF A。； the EARL OF B。； The MARQUIS C。； and
VISCOUNT D。
〃But you will not be quite alone； For though they've chaplains of their
own； Of course this noble well…bred clan Receive the parish clergyman。〃
〃Oh； silence； sir！〃 said SIMON M。； 〃Dukes … Earls！ What should I care
for them？ These worldly ranks I scorn and flout！〃 〃Of course；〃 the agent
said； 〃no doubt！〃
〃Yet I might show these men of birth The hollowness of rank on
earth。〃 The agent answered； 〃Very true … But I should not； if I were you。〃
〃Who sells this rich advowson； pray？〃 The agent winked … it was his
way … 〃His name is HART； 'twixt me and you； He is； I'm grieved to say； a
Jew！〃
〃A Jew？〃 said SIMON； 〃happy find！ I purchase this advowson； mind。
My life shall be devoted to Converting that unhappy Jew！〃
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
THE other night； from cares exempt； I slept … and what d'you think I
dreamt？ I dreamt that somehow I had come To dwell in Topsy…Turveydom
…
Where vice is virtue …virtue； vice： Where nice is nasty … nasty； nice：
Where right is wrong and wrong is right … Where white is black and black
is white。
Where babies； much to their surprise； Are born astonishingly wise；
With every Science on their lips； And Art at all their finger…tips。
For； as their nurses dandle them They crow binomial theorem； With
views （it seems absurd to us） On differential calculus。
But though a babe； as I have said； Is born with learning in his head； He
must forget it； if he can； Before he calls himself a man。
For that which we call folly here； Is wisdom in that favoured sphere；
The wisdom we so highly prize Is blatant folly in their eyes。
A boy； if he would push his way； Must learn some nonsense every day；
And cut； to carry out this view； His wisdom teeth and wisdom too。
Historians burn their midnight oils； Intent on giant…killers' toils； And
sages close their aged eyes To other sages' lullabies。
Our magistrates； in duty bound； Commit all robbers who are found；
But there the Beaks （so people said） Commit all robberies instead。
Our Judges； pure and wise in tone； Know crime from theory alone；
And glean the motives of a thief From books and popular belief。
But there； a Judge who wants to prime His mind with true ideas of
crime； Derives them from the common sense Of practical experience。
Policemen march all folks away Who practise virtue every day … Of
course； I mean to say； you know； What we call virtue here below。
For only scoundrels dare to do What we consider just and true； And
only good men do； in fact； What we should think a dirty act。
But strangest of these social twirls； The girls are boys …the boys are
girls！ The men are women； too … but then； PER CONTRA； women all are
men。
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
With them； as surely as can be； A sailor should be sick at sea； And not
a passenger may sail Who cannot smoke right through a gale。
A soldier （save by rarest luck） Is always shot for showing pluck （That
is； if others can be found With pluck enough to fire a round）。
〃How strange！〃 I said to one I saw； 〃You quite upset our every law。
However can you get along So systematically wrong？〃
〃Dear me！〃 my mad informant said； 〃Have you no eyes within your
head？ You sneer when you your hat should doff： Why； we begin where
you leave off！
〃Your wisest men are very far Less learned than our babies are！〃 I
mused awhile … and then； oh me！ I framed this brilliant repartee：
〃Although your babes are wiser far Than our most valued sages are；
Your sages； with their toys and cots； Are duller than our idiots！〃
But this remark； I grieve to state； Came just a little bit too late For as I
framed it in my head； I woke and found myself in bed。
Still I could wish that； 'stead of here； My lot were in that favoured
sphere！ … Where greatest fools bear off the bell I ought to do extremely
well。
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
TI…
FOO AGAIN。
I OFTEN wonder whether you Think sometimes of that Bishop； who
From black but balmy Rum…ti…Foo Last summer twelvemonth came。 Unto
your mind I p'r'aps may bring Remembrance of the man I sing To…day； by
simply mentioning That PETER was his name。
Remember how that holy man Came with the great Colonial clan To
Synod； called Pan…Anglican； And kindly recollect How； having crossed the
ocean wide； To please his flock all means he tried Consistent with a proper
pride And manly self…respect。
He only； of the reverend pack Who minister to Christians black；
Brought any useful knowledge back To his Colonial fold。 In consequence
a place I claim For 〃PETER〃 on the scroll of Fame （For PETER was that
Bishop's name； As I've already told）。
He carried Art； he often said； To places where that timid maid （Save by
Colonial Bishops' aid） Could never hope to roam。 The Payne…cum…Lauri
feat he taught As he had learnt it； for he thought The choicest fruits of
Progress ought To bless the Negro's home。
And he had other work to do； For； while he tossed upon the Blue； The
islanders of Rum…ti…Foo Forgot their kindly friend。 Their decent clothes
they learnt to tear … They learnt to say； 〃I do not care；〃 Though they； of
course； were well aware How folks； who say so； end。
Some sailors； whom he did not know； Had landed there not long ago；
And taught them 〃Bother！〃 also； 〃Blow！〃 （Of wickedness the germs）。 No
need to use a casuist's pen To prove that they were merchantmen； No
sailor of the Royal N。 Would use such awful terms。
And so； when BISHOP PETER came （That was the kindly Bishop's
name）； He heard these dreadful oaths with shame； And chid their want of
dress。 （Except a shell … a bangle rare … A feather here … a feather there The
South Pacific Negroes wear Their native nothingness。）
He taught them that a Bishop loathes To listen to disgraceful oaths； He
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
The Bishop's eyes with water fill； Quite overjoyed to find them still
Obedient to his sovereign will； And said； 〃Good Rum…ti…Foo！ Half…way I'll
meet you； I declare： I'll dress myself in cowries rare； And fasten feathers in
my hair； And dance the 'Cutch…chi…boo！'〃 （13）
And to conciliate his See He married PICCADILLILLEE； The
youngest of his twenty…three； Tall … neither fat nor thin。 （And though the
dress he made her don Looks awkwardly a girl upon； It was a great
improvement on The one he found her in。）
The Bishop in his gay canoe （His wife； of course； went with him too）
To some adjacent island flew； To spend his honeymoon。 Some day in
sunny Rum…ti…Foo A little PETER'll be on view； And that （if people tell
me true） Is like to happen soon。
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
AN actor … GIBBS； of Drury Lane … Of very decent station； Once
happened in a part to gain Excessive approbation： It sometimes turns a
fellow's brain And makes him singularly vain When he believes that he
receives Tremendous approbation。
His great success half drove him mad； But no one seemed to mind him；
Well； in another piece he had Another part assigned him。 This part was
smaller； by a bit； Than that in which he made a hit。 So； much ill…used； he
straight refused To play the part assigned him。
* * * * * * * *
THAT NIGHT THAT ACTOR SLEPT； AND I'LL ATTEMPT TO
TELL YOU OF THE VIVID DREAM HE DREAMT。
THE DREAM。
In fighting with a robber band （A thing he loved sincerely） A sword
struck GIBBS upon the hand； And wounded it severely。 At first he didn't
heed it much； He thought it was a simple touch； But soon he found the
weapon's bound Had wounded him severely。
To Surgeon COBB he made a trip； Who'd just effected featly An
amputation at the hip Particularly neatly。 A rising man was Surgeon COBB
But this extremely ticklish job He had achieved （as he believed）
Particularly neatly。
The actor rang the surgeon's bell。 〃Observe my wounded finger； Be
good enough to strap it well； And prithee do not linger。 That I； dear sir；
may fill again The Theatre Royal Drury Lane： This very night I have to
fight … So prithee do not linger。〃
〃I don't strap fingers up for doles；〃 Replied the haughty surgeon； 〃To
use your cant； I don't play ROLES Utility that verge on。 First amputation nothing
less …That is my line of business： We surgeon nobs despise all
jobs Utility that verge on
〃When in your hip there lurks disease〃 （So dreamt this lively