proud； But in an overwhelming heat （His name was PETER； I repeat）
Performed the PAYNE and LAURI feat； And puffed his thanks aloud。
Another game the dancer planned … 〃Just take your ankle in your hand；
And try； my lord； if you can stand …Your body stiff and stark。 If； when
revisiting your see； You learnt to hop on shore … like me …The novelty
would striking be； And must attract remark。〃
〃No；〃 said the worthy Bishop； 〃no； That is a length to which； I trow；
Colonial Bishops cannot go。 You may express surprise At finding Bishops
deal in pride … But if that trick I ever tried； I should appear undignified In
Rum…ti…Foozle's eyes。
〃The islanders of Rum…ti…Foo Are well…conducted persons； who
Approve a joke as much as you； And laugh at it as such； But if they saw
their Bishop land； His leg supported in his hand； The joke they wouldn't
understand … 'T would pain them very much！〃
20
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
BABY。 A VERY TRUE TALE。 （TO
BE SUNG TO THE AIR OF THE
〃WHISTLING OYSTER。〃）
AN elderly person … a prophet by trade … With his quips and tips On
withered old lips； He married a young and a beautiful maid； The cunning
old blade！ Though rather decayed； He married a beautiful； beautiful maid。
She was only eighteen； and as fair as could be； With her tempting
smiles And maidenly wiles； And he was a trifle past seventy…three： Now
what she could see Is a puzzle to me； In a prophet of seventy … seventy…
three！
Of all their acquaintances bidden （or bad） With their loud high jinks
And underbred winks； None thought they'd a family have … but they had； A
dear little lad Who drove 'em half mad； For he turned out a horribly fast
little cad。
For when he was born he astonished all by； With their 〃Law； dear me！〃
〃Did ever you see？〃 He'd a pipe in his mouth and a glass in his eye； A hat
all awry … An octagon tie … And a miniature … miniature glass in his eye。
He grumbled at wearing a frock and a cap； With his 〃Oh； dear； oh！〃
And his 〃Hang it！ 'oo know！〃 And he turned up his nose at his excellent
pap … 〃My friends； it's a tap Dat is not worf a rap。〃 （Now this was
remarkably excellent pap。）
He'd chuck his nurse under the chin； and he'd say； With his 〃Fal； lal；
lal〃 … 〃'Oo doosed fine gal！〃 This shocking precocity drove 'em away： 〃A
month from to…day Is as long as I'll stay … Then I'd wish； if you please； for
to toddle away。〃
His father； a simple old gentleman； he With nursery rhyme And 〃Once
on a time；〃 Would tell him the story of 〃Little Bo…P；〃 〃So pretty was she；
So pretty and wee； As pretty； as pretty； as pretty could be。〃
But the babe； with a dig that would startle an ox； With his 〃C'ck！ Oh；
21
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
The name of his father he'd couple and pair （With his ill…bred laugh；
And insolent chaff） With those of the nursery heroines rare … Virginia the
Fair； Or Good Goldenhair； Till the nuisance was more than a prophet could
bear。
〃There's Jill and White Cat〃 （said the bold little brat； With his loud；
〃Ha； ha！〃） 〃'Oo sly ickle Pa！ Wiz 'oo Beauty； Bo…Peep； and 'oo Mrs。 Jack
Sprat！ I've noticed 'oo pat MY pretty White Cat … I sink dear mamma
ought to know about dat！〃
He early determined to marry and wive； For better or worse With his
elderly nurse … Which the poor little boy didn't live to contrive： His hearth
didn't thrive … No longer alive； He died an enfeebled old dotard at five！
MORAL。
Now； elderly men of the bachelor crew； With wrinkled hose And
spectacled nose； Don't marry at all … you may take it as true If ever you do
The step you will rue； For your babes will be elderly … elderly too。
22
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃GENTLE； modest little flower； Sweet epitome of May； Love me but
for half an hour； Love me； love me； little fay。〃 Sentences so fiercely
flaming In your tiny shell…like ear； I should always be exclaiming If I
loved you； PHOEBE dear。
〃Smiles that thrill from any distance Shed upon me while I sing！
Please ecstaticize existence； Love me； oh； thou fairy thing！〃 Words like
these； outpouring sadly You'd perpetually hear； If I loved you fondly；
madly； … But I do not； PHOEBE dear。
23
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
；
GENTLEMAN。
OF all the good attorneys who Have placed their names upon the roll；
But few could equal BAINES CAREW For tender…heartedness and soul。
Whene'er he heard a tale of woe From client A or client B； His grief
would overcome him so He'd scarce have strength to take his fee。
It laid him up for many days； When duty led him to distrain； And
serving writs； although it pays； Gave him excruciating pain。
He made out costs； distrained for rent； Foreclosed and sued； with
moistened eye … No bill of costs could represent The value of such
sympathy。
No charges can approximate The worth of sympathy with woe； Although
I think I ought to state He did his best to make them so。
Of all the many clients who Had mustered round his legal flag； No
single client of the crew Was half so dear as CAPTAIN BAGG。
Now； CAPTAIN BAGG had bowed him to A heavy matrimonial yoke
… His wifey had of faults a few … She never could resist a joke。
Her chaff at first he meekly bore； Till unendurable it grew。 〃To stop
this persecution sore I will consult my friend CAREW。
〃And when CAREW'S advice I've got； Divorce A MENSA I shall try。〃
（A legal separation … not A VINCULO CONJUGII。）
〃Oh； BAINES CAREW； my woe I've kept A secret hitherto； you
know；〃 … （And BAINES CAREW； ESQUIRE； he wept To hear that BAGG
HAD any woe。）
〃My case； indeed； is passing sad。 My wife … whom I considered true With
brutal conduct drives me mad。〃 〃I am appalled；〃 said BAINES
CAREW。
〃What！ sound the matrimonial knell Of worthy people such as these！
Why was I an attorney？ Well … Go on to the SAEVITIA； please。〃
〃Domestic bliss has proved my bane； … A harder case you never heard；
My wife （in other matters sane） Pretends that I'm a Dicky bird！
24
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃Oh； dear；〃 said weeping BAINES CAREW； 〃This is the direst case I
know。〃 〃I'm grieved；〃 said BAGG； 〃at paining you … 〃To COBB and
POLTHERTHWAITE I'll go
〃To COBB'S cold； calculating ear； My gruesome sorrows I'll impart〃 〃
No； stop；〃 said BAINES； 〃I'll dry my tear； And steel my sympathetic
heart。〃
〃She makes me perch upon a tree； Rewarding me with 'Sweety … nice！'
And threatens to exhibit me With four or five performing mice。〃
〃Restrain my tears I wish I could〃 （Said BAINES）； 〃I don't know what
to do。〃 Said CAPTAIN BAGG； 〃You're very good。〃 〃Oh； not at all；〃 said
BAINES CAREW。
〃She makes me fire a gun；〃 said BAGG； 〃And； at a preconcerted word；
Climb up a ladder with a flag； Like any street performing bird。
〃She places sugar in my way … In public places calls me 'Sweet！' She
gives me groundsel every day； And hard canary…seed to eat。〃
〃Oh； woe！ oh； sad！ oh； dire to tell！〃 （Said BAINES）。 〃Be good enough
to stop。〃 And senseless on the floor he fell； With unpremeditated flop！
Said CAPTAIN BAGG； 〃Well； really I Am grieved to think it pains
you so。 I thank you for your sympathy； But； hang it！ … come … I say； you
know！〃
But BAINES lay flat upon the floor； Convulsed with sympathetic sob；
…The Captain toddled off next door； And gave the case to MR。 COBB。
25
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
S
WINTERBOTTOM HANCE。
IN all the towns and cities fair On Merry England's broad expanse； No
swordsman ever could compare With THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM
HANCE。
The dauntless lad could fairly hew A silken handkerchief in twain；
Divide a leg of mutton too … And this without unwholesome strain。
On whole half…sheep； with cunning trick； His sabre sometimes he'd
employ … No bar of lead； however thick； Had terrors for the stalwart boy。
At Dover daily he'd prepare To hew and slash； behind； before … Which
aggravated MONSIEUR PIERRE； Who watched him from the Calais
shore。
It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance； The sight annoyed and
vexed him so； He was the bravest man in France … He said so； and he
ought to know。
〃Regardez donc； ce cochon gros … Ce polisson！ Oh； sacre bleu！ Son
sabre； son plomb； et ses gigots Comme cela m'ennuye； enfin； mon Dieu！
〃Il sait que les foulards de soie Give no retaliating whack … Les gigots
morts n'ont pas de quoi … Le plomb don't ever hit you back。〃
But every day the headstrong lad Cut lead and mutton more and more；
And every day poor PIERRE； half mad； Shrieked loud defiance from his
shore。
HANCE had a mother； poor and old； A simple； harmless village dame；
Who crowed and clapped as people told Of WINTERBOTTOM'S rising
fame。
She said； 〃I'