errands for some insipid affected woman； all this disgusts an artist。
Love in the abstract is not enough for a great man in poverty； he has
need of its utmost devotion。 The frivolous creatures who spend their
lives in trying on cashmeres； or make themselves into clothes…pegs to
hang the fashions from； exact the devotion which is not theirs to
give； for them； love means the pleasure of ruling and not of obeying。
She who is really a wife； one in heart； flesh； and bone； must follow
wherever he leads； in whom her life； her strength； her pride； and
happiness are centered。 Ambitious men need those Oriental women whose
whole thought is given to the study of their requirements； for
unhappiness means for them the incompatibility of their means with
their desires。 But I； who took myself for a man of genius； must needs
feel attracted by these very she…coxcombs。 So； as I cherished ideas so
different from those generally received； as I wished to scale the
heavens without a ladder； was possessed of wealth that could not
circulate； and of knowledge so wide and so imperfectly arranged and
digested that it overtaxed my memory； as I had neither relations nor
friends in the midst of this lonely and ghastly desert； a desert of
paving stones； full of animation； life； and thought； wherein every one
is worse than inimical； indifferent to wit； I made a very natural if
foolish resolve； which required such unknown impossibilities； that my
spirits rose。 It was as if I had laid a wager with myself； for I was
at once the player and the cards。
〃This was my plan。 The eleven hundred francs must keep life in me for
three yearsthe time I allowed myself in which to bring to light a
work which should draw attention to me； and make me either a name or a
fortune。 I exulted at the thought of living on bread and milk； like a
hermit in the Thebaid； while I plunged into the world of books and
ideas； and so reached a lofty sphere beyond the tumult of Paris； a
sphere of silent labor where I would entomb myself like a chrysalis to
await a brilliant and splendid new birth。 I imperiled my life in order
to live。 By reducing my requirements to real needs and the barest
necessaries； I found that three hundred and sixty…five francs sufficed
for a year of penury； and； in fact； I managed to exist on that slender
sum； so long as I submitted to my own claustral discipline。〃
〃Impossible！〃 cried Emile。
〃I lived for nearly three years in that way；〃 Raphael answered； with a
kind of pride。 〃Let us reckon it out。 Three sous for bread； two for
milk； and three for cold meat； kept me from dying of hunger； and my
mind in a state of peculiar lucidity。 I have observed； as you know；
the wonderful effects produced by diet upon the imagination。 My
lodgings cost me three sous daily； I burnt three sous more in oil at
night； I did my own housework； and wore flannel shirts so as to reduce
the laundress' bill to two sous per day。 The money I spent yearly in
coal； if divided up； never cost more than two sous for each day。 I had
three years' supply of clothing； and I only dressed when going out to
some library or public lecture。 These expenses； all told； only
amounted to eighteen sous； so two were left over for emergencies。 I
cannot recollect； during that long period of toil； either crossing the
Pont des Arts； or paying for water； I went out to fetch it every
morning from the fountain in the Place Saint Michel； at the corner of
the Rue de Gres。 Oh； I wore my poverty proudly。 A man urged on towards
a fair future walks through life like an innocent person to his death；
he feels no shame about it。
〃I would not think of illness。 Like Aquilina； I faced the hospital
without terror。 I had not a moment's doubt of my health； and besides；
the poor can only take to their beds to die。 I cut my own hair till
the day when an angel of love and kindness 。 。 。 But I do not want to
anticipate the state of things that I shall reach later。 You must
simply know that I lived with one grand thought for a mistress； a
dream； an illusion which deceives us all more or less at first。 To…day
I laugh at myself； at that self； holy perhaps and heroic； which is now
no more。 I have since had a closer view of society and the world； of
our manners and customs； and seen the dangers of my innocent credulity
and the superfluous nature of my fervent toil。 Stores of that sort are
quite useless to aspirants for fame。 Light should be the baggage of
seekers after fortune！
〃Ambitious men spend their youth in rendering themselves worthy of
patronage； it is their great mistake。 While the foolish creatures are
laying in stores of knowledge and energy； so that they shall not sink
under the weight of responsible posts that recede from them； schemers
come and go who are wealthy in words and destitute in ideas； astonish
the ignorant； and creep into the confidence of those who have a little
knowledge。 While the first kind study； the second march ahead； the one
sort is modest； and the other impudent； the man of genius is silent
about his own merits； but these schemers make a flourish of theirs；
and they are bound to get on。 It is so strongly to the interest of men
in office to believe in ready…made capacity； and in brazen…faced
merit； that it is downright childish of the learned to expect material
rewards。 I do not seek to paraphrase the commonplace moral； the song
of songs that obscure genius is for ever singing； I want to come； in a
logical manner； by the reason of the frequent successes of mediocrity。
Alas！ study shows us such a mother's kindness that it would be a sin
perhaps to ask any other reward of her than the pure and delightful
pleasures with which she sustains her children。
〃Often I remember soaking my bread in milk； as I sat by the window to
take the fresh air； while my eyes wandered over a view of roofs
brown； gray； or red； slated or tiled； and covered with yellow or green
mosses。 At first the prospect may have seemed monotonous； but I very
soon found peculiar beauties in it。 Sometimes at night； streams of
light through half…closed shutters would light up and color the dark
abysses of this strange landscape。 Sometimes the feeble lights of the
street lamps sent up yellow gleams through the fog； and in each street
dimly outlined the undulations of a crowd of roofs； like billows in a
motionless sea。 Very occasionally； too； a face appeared in this gloomy
waste； above the flowers in some skyey garden I caught a glimpse of an
old woman's crooked angular profile as she watered her nasturtiums；
or； in a crazy attic window； a young girl； fancying herself quite
alone as she dressed herselfa view of nothing more than a fair
forehead and long tresses held above her by a pretty white arm。
〃I liked to see the short…lived plant…life in the gutterspoor weeds
that a storm soon washed away。 I studied the mosses； with their colors
revived by showers； or transformed by the sun into a brown velvet that
fitfully caught the light。 Such things as these formed my recreations
the passing poetic moods of daylight； the melancholy mists； sudden
gleams of sunlight； the silence and the magic of night； the mysteries
of dawn； the smoke wreaths from each chimney； every chance event； in
fact； in my curious world became familiar to me。 I came to love this
prison of my own choosing。 This level Parisian prairie of roofs；
beneath which lay populous abysses； suited my humor； and harmonized
with my thoughts。
〃Sudden descents into the world from the divine height of scientific
meditation are very exhausting； and； besides； I had apprehended
perfectly the bare life of the cloister。 When I made up my mind to
carry out this new plan of life； I looked for quarters in the most
out…of…the…way parts of Paris。 One evening； as I returned home to the
Rue des Cordiers from the Place de l'Estrapade； I saw a girl of
fourteen playing with a battledore at the corner of the Rue de Cluny；
her winsome ways and laughter amused the neighbors。 September was not
yet over； it was warm and fine； so that women sat chatting before
their doors as if it were a fete…day in some country town。 At first I
watched the charming expression of the girl's face and her graceful
attitudes； her pose fit for a painter。 It was a pretty sight。 I looked
about me； seeking to understand this blithe simplicity in the midst of
Paris； and saw that the street was a blind alley and but little
frequented。 I remembered that Jean Jacques had once lived here； and
looked up the Hotel Saint…Quentin。 Its dilapidated condition awakened
hopes of a cheap lodging； and I determined to enter。
〃I found myself in a room with a low ceiling； the candles； in classic…
looking copper candle…sticks； were set in a row under each key。 The
predominating cleanliness of the room made a striking contrast to the
usual state of such places。 This one was as neat as a bit of genre；
there was a charming trimness about the blue coverlet； the cooking
pots and furniture。 The mistress of the house rose and came to me。 She
seemed to be about forty years of age； sorrows had left their traces
on her features； and weeping had dimmed her eyes。 I deferentially
mentioned the amount I could pay； it seemed to cause her no surprise；
she s