mentioned the amount I could pay； it seemed to cause her no surprise；
she sought out a key from the row； went up to the attics with me； and
showed me a room that looked out on the neighboring roofs and courts；
long poles with linen drying on them hung out of the window。
〃Nothing could be uglier than this garret； awaiting its scholar； with
its dingy yellow walls and odor of poverty。 The roofing fell in a
steep slope； and the sky was visible through chinks in the tiles。
There was room for a bed； a table； and a few chairs； and beneath the
highest point of the roof my piano could stand。 Not being rich enough
to furnish this cage （that might have been one of the Piombi of
Venice）； the poor woman had never been able to let it； and as I had
saved from the recent sale the furniture that was in a fashion
peculiarly mine； I very soon came to terms with my landlady； and moved
in on the following day。
〃For three years I lived in this airy sepulchre； and worked
unflaggingly day and night； and so great was the pleasure that study
seemed to me the fairest theme and the happiest solution of life。 The
tranquillity and peace that a scholar needs is something as sweet and
exhilarating as love。 Unspeakable joys are showered on us by the
exertion of our mental faculties； the quest of ideas； and the tranquil
contemplation of knowledge； delights indescribable； because purely
intellectual and impalpable to our senses。 So we are obliged to use
material terms to express the mysteries of the soul。 The pleasure of
striking out in some lonely lake of clear water； with forests； rocks；
and flowers around； and the soft stirring of the warm breeze；all
this would give； to those who knew them not； a very faint idea of the
exultation with which my soul bathed itself in the beams of an unknown
light； hearkened to the awful and uncertain voice of inspiration； as
vision upon vision poured from some unknown source through my
throbbing brain。
〃No earthly pleasure can compare with the divine delight of watching
the dawn of an idea in the space of abstractions as it rises like the
morning sun； an idea that； better still； attains gradually like a
child to puberty and man's estate。 Study lends a kind of enchantment
to all our surroundings。 The wretched desk covered with brown leather
at which I wrote； my piano； bed； and armchair； the odd wall…paper and
furniture seemed to have for me a kind of life in them； and to be
humble friends of mine and mute partakers of my destiny。 How often
have I confided my soul to them in a glance！ A warped bit of beading
often met my eyes； and suggested new developments；a striking proof
of my system； or a felicitous word by which to render my all but
inexpressible thought。 By sheer contemplation of the things about me I
discerned an expression and a character in each。 If the setting sun
happened to steal in through my narrow window； they would take new
colors； fade or shine； grow dull or gay； and always amaze me with some
new effect。 These trifling incidents of a solitary life； which escape
those preoccupied with outward affairs； make the solace of prisoners。
And what was I but the captive of an idea； imprisoned in my system；
but sustained also by the prospect of a brilliant future？ At each
obstacle that I overcame； I seemed to kiss the soft hands of a woman
with a fair face； a wealthy； well…dressed woman； who should some day
say softly； while she caressed my hair：
〃 'Poor Angel； how thou hast suffered！'
〃I had undertaken two great worksone a comedy that in a very short
time must bring me wealth and fame； and an entry into those circles
whither I wished to return； to exercise the royal privileges of a man
of genius。 You all saw nothing in that masterpiece but the blunder of
a young man fresh from college； a babyish fiasco。 Your jokes clipped
the wings of a throng of illusions； which have never stirred since
within me。 You； dear Emile； alone brought soothing to the deep wounds
that others had made in my heart。 You alone will admire my 'Theory of
the Will。' I devoted most of my time to that long work； for which I
studied Oriental languages； physiology and anatomy。 If I do not
deceive myself； my labors will complete the task begun by Mesmer；
Lavater； Gall； and Bichat； and open up new paths in science。
〃There ends that fair life of mine； the daily sacrifice； the
unrecognized silkworm's toil； that is； perhaps； its own sole
recompense。 Since attaining years of discretion； until the day when I
finished my 'Theory；' I observed； learned； wrote； and read
unintermittingly； my life was one long imposition； as schoolboys say。
Though by nature effeminately attached to Oriental indolence； sensual
in tastes； and a wooer of dreams； I worked incessantly； and refused to
taste any of the enjoyments of Parisian life。 Though a glutton； I
became abstemious； and loving exercise and sea voyages as I did； and
haunted by the wish to visit many countries； still child enough to
play at ducks and drakes with pebbles over a pond； I led a sedentary
life with a pen in my fingers。 I liked talking； but I went to sit and
mutely listen to professors who gave public lectures at the
Bibliotheque or the Museum。 I slept upon my solitary pallet like a
Benedictine brother； though woman was my one chimera； a chimera that
fled from me as I wooed it！ In short； my life has been a cruel
contradiction； a perpetual cheat。 After that； judge a man！
〃Sometimes my natural propensities broke out like a fire long
smothered。 I was debarred from the women whose society I desired；
stripped of everything and lodged in an artist's garret； and by a sort
of mirage or calenture I was surrounded by captivating mistresses。 I
drove through the streets of Paris； lolling on the soft cushions of a
fine equipage。 I plunged into dissipation； into corroding vice； I
desired and possessed everything； for fasting had made me light…headed
like the tempted Saint Anthony。 Slumber； happily； would put an end at
last to these devastating trances； and on the morrow science would
beckon me； smiling； and I was faithful to her。 I imagine that women
reputed virtuous； must often fall a prey to these insane tempests of
desire and passion； which rise in us in spite of ourselves。 Such
dreams have a charm of their own； they are something akin to evening
gossip round the winter fire； when one sets out for some voyage in
China。 But what becomes of virtue during these delicious excursions；
when fancy overleaps all difficulties？
〃During the first ten months of seclusion I led the life of poverty
and solitude that I have described to you； I used to steal out
unobserved every morning to buy my own provisions for the day； I
tidied my room； I was at once master and servant； and played the
Diogenes with incredible spirit。 But afterwards； while my hostess and
her daughter watched my ways and behavior； scrutinized my appearance
and divined my poverty； there could not but be some bonds between us；
perhaps because they were themselves so very poor。 Pauline； the
charming child； whose latent and unconscious grace had； in a manner；
brought me there； did me many services that I could not well refuse。
All women fallen on evil days are sisters； they speak a common
language； they have the same generositythe generosity that possesses
nothing； and so is lavish of its affection； of its time； and of its
very self。
〃Imperceptibly Pauline took me under her protection； and would do
things for me。 No kind of objection was made by her mother； whom I
even surprised mending my linen； she blushed for the charitable
occupation。 In spite of myself； they took charge of me； and I accepted
their services。
〃In order to understand the peculiar condition of my mind； my
preoccupation with work must be remembered； the tyranny of ideas； and
the instinctive repugnance that a man who leads an intellectual life
must ever feel for the material details of existence。 Could I well
repulse the delicate attentions of Pauline； who would noiselessly
bring me my frugal repast； when she noticed that I had taken nothing
for seven or eight hours？ She had the tact of a woman and the
inventiveness of a child； she would smile as she made sign to me that
I must not see her。 Ariel glided under my roof in the form of a sylph
who foresaw every want of mine。
〃One evening Pauline told me her story with touching simplicity。 Her
father had been a major in the horse grenadiers of the Imperial Guard。
He had been taken prisoner by the Cossacks； at the passage of
Beresina； and when Napoleon later on proposed an exchange； the Russian
authorities made search for him in Siberia in vain； he had escaped
with a view of reaching India； and since then Mme。 Gaudin； my
landlady； could hear no news of her husband。 Then came the disasters
of 1814 and 1815； and； left alone and without resource； she had
decided to let furnished lodgings in order to keep herself and her
daughter。
〃She always hoped to see her husband again。 Her greatest trouble was
about her daughter's education； the Princess Borghese was her
Pauline's godmother； and Pauline must not be unworthy of the fair
future promised by her imperial protectress。 When Mme。 Gaudin confided
to me this heavy trouble