future promised by her imperial protectress。 When Mme。 Gaudin confided
to me this heavy trouble that preyed upon her； she said； with sharp
pain in her voice； 'I would give up the property and the scrap of
paper that makes Gaudin a baron of the empire； and all our rights to
the endowment of Wistchnau； if only Pauline could be brought up at
Saint…Denis？' Her words struck me； now I could show my gratitude for
the kindnesses expended on me by the two women； all at once the idea
of offering to finish Pauline's education occurred to me； and the
offer was made and accepted in the most perfect simplicity。 In this
way I came to have some hours of recreation。 Pauline had natural
aptitude； she learned so quickly； that she soon surpassed me at the
piano。 As she became accustomed to think aloud in my presence； she
unfolded all the sweet refinements of a heart that was opening itself
out to life； as some flower…cup opens slowly to the sun。 She listened
to me； pleased and thoughtful； letting her dark velvet eyes rest upon
me with a half smile in them； she repeated her lessons in soft and
gentle tones； and showed childish glee when I was satisfied with her。
Her mother grew more and more anxious every day to shield the young
girl from every danger （for all the beauty promised in early life was
developing in the crescent moon）； and was glad to see her spend whole
days indoors in study。 My piano was the only one she could use； and
while I was out she practised on it。 When I came home； Pauline would
be in my room； in her shabby dress； but her slightest movement
revealed her slender figure in its attractive grace； in spite of the
coarse materials that she wore。 As with the heroine of the fable of
'Peau…d'Ane；' a dainty foot peeped out of the clumsy shoes。 But all
her wealth of girlish beauty was as lost upon me。 I had laid commands
upon myself to see a sister only in Pauline。 I dreaded lest I should
betray her mother's faith in me。 I admired the lovely girl as if she
had been a picture； or as the portrait of a dead mistress； she was at
once my child and my statue。 For me； another Pygmalion； the maiden
with the hues of life and the living voice was to become a form of
inanimate marble。 I was very strict with her； but the more I made her
feel my pedagogue's severity； the more gentle and submissive she grew。
〃If a generous feeling strengthened me in my reserve and self…
restraint； prudent considerations were not lacking beside。 Integrity
of purpose cannot； I think； fail to accompany integrity in money
matters。 To my mind； to become insolvent or to betray a woman is the
same sort of thing。 If you love a young girl； or allow yourself to be
beloved by her； a contract is implied； and its conditions should be
thoroughly understood。 We are free to break with the woman who sells
herself； but not with the young girl who has given herself to us and
does not know the extent of her sacrifice。 I must have married
Pauline； and that would have been madness。 Would it not have given
over that sweet girlish heart to terrible misfortunes？ My poverty made
its selfish voice heard； and set an iron barrier between that gentle
nature and mine。 Besides； I am ashamed to say； that I cannot imagine
love in the midst of poverty。 Perhaps this is a vitiation due to that
malady of mankind called civilization； but a woman in squalid poverty
would exert no fascination over me； were she attractive as Homer's
Galatea； the fair Helen。
〃Ah； vive l'amour！ But let it be in silk and cashmere； surrounded with
the luxury which so marvelously embellishes it； for is it not perhaps
itself a luxury？ I enjoy making havoc with an elaborate erection of
scented hair； I like to crush flowers； to disarrange and crease a
smart toilette at will。 A bizarre attraction lies for me in burning
eyes that blaze through a lace veil； like flame through cannon smoke。
My way of love would be to mount by a silken ladder； in the silence of
a winter night。 And what bliss to reach； all powdered with snow； a
perfumed room； with hangings of painted silk； to find a woman there；
who likewise shakes away the snow from her； for what other name can be
found for the white muslin wrappings that vaguely define her； like
some angel form issuing from a cloud！ And then I wish for furtive
joys； for the security of audacity。 I want to see once more that woman
of mystery； but let it be in the throng； dazzling； unapproachable；
adored on all sides； dressed in laces and ablaze with diamonds； laying
her commands upon every one； so exalted above us； that she inspires
awe； and none dares to pay his homage to her。
〃She gives me a stolen glance； amid her court； a look that exposes the
unreality of all this； that resigns for me the world and all men in
it！ Truly I have scorned myself for a passion for a few yards of lace；
velvet； and fine lawn； and the hairdresser's feats of skill； a love of
wax…lights； a carriage and a title； a heraldic coronet painted on
window panes； or engraved by a jeweler； in short； a liking for all
that is adventitious and least woman in woman。 I have scorned and
reasoned with myself； but all in vain。
〃A woman of rank with her subtle smile； her high…born air； and self…
esteem captivates me。 The barriers she erects between herself and the
world awaken my vanity； a good half of love。 There would be more
relish for me in bliss that all others envied。 If my mistress does
nothing that other women do； and neither lives nor conducts herself
like them； wears a cloak that they cannot attain； breathes a perfume
of her own； then she seems to rise far above me。 The further she rises
from earth； even in the earthlier aspects of love； the fairer she
becomes for me。
〃Luckily for me we have had no queen in France these twenty years； for
I should have fallen in love with her。 A woman must be wealthy to
acquire the manners of a princess。 What place had Pauline among these
far…fetched imaginings？ Could she bring me the love that is death；
that brings every faculty into play； the nights that are paid for by
life？ We hardly die； I think； for an insignificant girl who gives
herself to us； and I could never extinguish these feelings and poet's
dreams within me。 I was born for an inaccessible love； and fortune has
overtopped my desire。
〃How often have I set satin shoes on Pauline's tiny feet； confined her
form； slender as a young poplar； in a robe of gauze； and thrown a
loose scarf about her as I saw her tread the carpets in her mansion
and led her out to her splendid carriage！ In such guise I should have
adored her。 I endowed her with all the pride she lacked； stripped her
of her virtues； her natural simple charm； and frank smile； in order to
plunge her heart in our Styx of depravity that makes invulnerable；
load her with our crimes； make of her the fantastical doll of our
drawing…rooms； the frail being who lies about in the morning and comes
to life again at night with the dawn of tapers。 Pauline was fresh…
hearted and affectionateI would have had her cold and formal。
〃In the last days of my frantic folly； memory brought Pauline before
me； as it brings the scenes of our childhood； and made me pause to
muse over past delicious moments that softened my heart。 I sometimes
saw her； the adorable girl who sat quietly sewing at my table； wrapped
in her meditations； the faint light from my window fell upon her and
was reflected back in silvery rays from her thick black hair；
sometimes I heard her young laughter； or the rich tones of her voice
singing some canzonet that she composed without effort。 And often my
Pauline seemed to grow greater； as music flowed from her； and her face
bore a striking resemblance to the noble one that Carlo Dolci chose
for the type of Italy。 My cruel memory brought her back athwart the
dissipations of my existence； like a remorse； or a symbol of purity。
But let us leave the poor child to her own fate。 Whatever her troubles
may have been； at any rate I protected her from a menacing tempestI
did not drag her down into my hell。
〃Until last winter I led the uneventful studious life of which I have
given you some faint picture。 In the earliest days of December 1829； I
came across Rastignac； who； in spite of the shabby condition of my
wardrobe； linked his arm in mine； and inquired into my affairs with a
quite brotherly interest。 Caught by his engaging manner； I gave him a
brief account of my life and hopes； he began to laugh； and treated me
as a mixture of a man of genius and a fool。 His Gascon accent and
knowledge of the world； the easy life his clever management procured
for him； all produced an irresistible effect upon me。 I should die an
unrecognized failure in a hospital； Rastignac said； and be buried in a
pauper's grave。 He talked of charlatanism。 Every man of genius was a
charlatan； he plainly showed me in that pleasant way of his that makes
him so fascinating。 He insisted that I must be out of my senses； and
would be my own death； if I lived on alone in the Rue des Cordiers。
According to him； I ought to go into society； to accustom people to
the sound of my name； and to rid myself of the simple title of
'monsieur' which sits but ill on a great man in his lifetime。
〃 'Those who k