had he； perhaps； gone away？ or was he dead？ For a long time she stood
there； thinking about Larbi。 He and his flute and his love were
mingled with her life in the desert。 And she felt that she could not
leave the desert without bidding them farewell。
But the silence lasted and she went on and came to the /fumoir/。 She
went into it at once and sat down。 She was going to wait for Androvsky
here。
Her mind was straying curiously to…day。 Suddenly she found herself
thinking of the fanatical religious performance she had seen with Hadj
on the night when she had ridden out to watch the moon rise。 She saw
in imagination the bowing bodies； the foaming mouths； the glassy eyes
of the young priests of the Sahara。 She saw the spikes behind their
eyeballs； the struggling scorpions descending into their throats； the
flaming coals under their arm…pits； the nails driven into their heads。
She heard them growling as they saw the glass； like hungry beasts at
the sight of meat。 And all this was to them religion。 This madness was
their conception of worship。 A voice seemed to whisper to her： 〃And
your madness？〃
It was like the voice that whispered to Androvsky in the cemetery of
El…Largani； 〃Come out with me into that world； that beautiful world
which God made for men。 Why do you reject it？〃
For a moment she saw all religions； all the practices； the
renunciations of the religions of the world； as varying forms of
madness。 She compared the self…denial of the monk with the fetish
worship of the savage。 And a wild thrill of something that was almost
like joy rushed through her； the joy that sometimes comes to the
unbelievers when they are about to commit some act which they feel
would be contrary to God's will if there were a God。 It was a thrill
of almost insolent human emancipation。 The soul cried out： 〃I have no
master。 When I thought I had a master I was mad。 Now I am sane。〃
But it passed almost as it came； like a false thing slinking from the
sunlight； and Domini bowed her head in the obscurity of Count
Anteoni's thinking…place and returned to her true self。 That moment
had been like the moment upon the tower when she saw below her the
Jewess dancing upon the roof for the soldiers； a black speck settling
for an instant upon whiteness； then carried away by a purifying wind。
She knew that she would always be subject to such moments so long as
she was a human being； that there would always be in her blood
something that was self…willed。 Otherwise； would she not be already in
Paradise？ She sat and prayed for strength in the battle of life； that
could never be anything else but a battle。
At last something within her told her to look up； to look out through
the window…space into the garden。 She had not heard a step； but she
knew that Androvsky was approaching； and； as she looked up； she
prepared herself for a sight that would be terrible。 She remembered
his face when he came to bid her good…bye in the garden； and she
feared to see his face now。 But she schooled herself to be strong； for
herself and for him。
He was near her on the path coming towards her。 As she saw him she
uttered a little cry and stood up。 An immense surprise came to her；
followed in a moment by an immense joythe greatest joy； she thought；
that she had ever experienced。 For she looked on a face in which she
saw for the first time a pale dawning of peace。 There was sadness in
it； there was awe； but there was a light of calm； such as sometimes
settles upon the faces of men who have died quietly without agony or
fear。 And she felt fully； as she saw it； the rapture of having refused
cowardice and grasped the hand of bravery。 Directly afterwards there
came to her a sensation of wonder that at this moment of their lives
she and Androvsky should be capable of a feeling of joy； of peace。
When the wonder passed it was as if she had seen God and knew for ever
the meaning of His divine compensations。
Androvsky came to the doorway of the /fumoir/ without looking up；
stood still therejust where Count Anteoni had stood during his first
interview with Dominiand said：
〃Domini； I have been to the priest。 I have made my confession。〃
〃Yes；〃 she said。 〃Yes； Boris！〃
He came into the /fumoir/ and sat down near her； but not close to her；
on one of the divans。 Now the sad look in his face had deepened and
the peace seemed to be fading。 She had thought of the dawnthat pale
light which is growing into day。 Now she thought of the twilight which
is fading into night。 And the terrible knowledge struck her； 〃I am the
troubler of his peace。 Without me only could he ever regain fully the
peace which he has lost。〃
〃Domini；〃 he said； looking up at her； 〃you know the rest。 You meant it
to be as it will be when we left Amara。〃
〃Was there any other way？ Was there any other possible life for us
for youfor me？〃
〃For you！〃 he said； and there was a sound almost of despair in his
voice。 〃But what is to be your life？ I have never protected youyou
have protected me。 I have never been strong for youyou have been
strong for me。 But to leave youall alone； Domini； must I do that？
Must I think of you out in the world alone？〃
For a moment she was tempted to break her silence； to tell him the
truth； that she would perhaps not be alone； that another life； sprung
from his and hers； was coming to be with her； was coming to share the
great loneliness that lay before her。 But she resisted the temptation
and only said：
〃Do not think of me； Boris。〃
〃You tell me not to think of you！〃 he said with an almost fierce
wonder。 〃Do youdo you wish me not to think of you？〃
〃What I wishthat is so little； butno； Boris； I can't sayI don't
think I could ever truly say that I wish you to think no more of me。
After all； one has a heart； and I think if it's worth anything it must
be often a rebellious heart。 I know mine is rebellious。 But if you
don't think too much of mewhen you are there〃
She paused； and they looked at each other for a moment in silence。
Then she continued：
〃Surely it will be easier for you； happier for you。〃
Androvsky clenched his right hand on the divan and turned round till
he was facing her full。 His eyes blazed。
〃Domini；〃 he said； 〃you are truthful。 I'll be truthful to you。 Till
the end of my life I'll think of youevery day； every hour。 If it
were mortal sin to think of you I would commit ityes； Domini；
deliberately； I would commit it。 ButGod doesn't ask so much of us；
no； God doesn't。 I've made my confession。 I know what I must do。 I'll
do it。 You are rightyou are always rightyou are guided； I know
that。 But I will think of you。 And I'll tell you somethingdon't
shirk from it； because it's truth； the truth of my soul； and you love
truth。 Domini〃
Suddenly he got up from the divan and stood before her； looking down
at her steadily。
〃Domini； I can't regret that I have seen you； that we have been
together； that we have loved each other； that we do love each other
for ever。 I can't regret it； I can't even try or wish to。 I can't
regret that I have learned from you the meaning of life。 I know that
God has punished me for what I have done。 In my love for youtill I
told you the truth； that other truthI never had a moment of peace
of exultation； yes； of passionate exultation； but never； never a
moment of peace。 For always； even in the most beautiful moments； there
has been agony for me。 For always I have known that I was sinning
against God and you； against myself； my eternal vows。 And yet now I
tell you； Domini； as I have told God since I have been able to pray
again； that I am glad； thankful； that I have loved you； been loved by
you。 Is it wicked？ I don't know。 I can scarcely even care； because
it's true。 And how can I deny the truth； strive against truth？ I am as
I am； and I am that。 God has made me that。 God will forgive me for
being as I am。 I'm not afraid。 I believeI dare to believethat He
wishes me to think of you always till the end of my life。 I dare to
believe that He would almost hate me if I could ever cease from loving
you。 That's my other confessionmy confession to you。 I was born；
perhaps； to be a monk。 But I was born； too； that I might love you and
know your love； your beauty； your tenderness； your divinity。 If I had
not known you； if I had died a monk； a good monk who had never denied
his vows； I should have diedI feel it； Dominiin a great； a
terrible ignorance。 I should have known the goodness of God； but I
should never have known part； a beautiful part； of His goodness。 For I
should never have known the goodness that He has put into you。 He has
taught me through you。 He has tortured me through you； yes； but
through you； too； He has made me understand Him。 When I was in the
monastery； when I was at peace； when I lost myself in prayer； when I
was absolutely pure； absolutelyso I thoughtthe child of God； I
never really knew God。 Now； Domini； now I know Him。 In the worst
moments of the new agony that I must meet at least I shall always have
that help。 I shall always feel that I know what God is。 I shall
always； when I think of you； when I remember you； be able to say； 'God
is love。'〃
He was silent； but his face still spoke to her； his eyes read her