the secret places of the heart- 第13部分

ing　nowadays。　It's　curious。　。　。　。　There　is　not　a　man　on　that　Committee　who　is　quite　comfortable　within　himself　about　the　particular　individual　end　he　is　there　to　serve。　It's　there　I　get　them。　They　pursue　their　own　ends　bitterly　and　obstinately　I　admit；　but　they　are　bitter　and　obstinate　because　they　pursue　them　against　an　internal　oppositionwhich　is　on　my　side。　They　are　terrified　to　think；　if　once　they　stopped　fighting　me；　how　far　they　might　not　have　to　go　with　me。〃　〃A　suppressed　world　conscience　in　fact。　This　marches　very　closely　with　my　own　ideas。〃　〃A　world　conscience？　World　conscience？　I　don't　know。　But　I　do　know　that　there　is　this　drive　in　nearly　every　member　of　the　Committee；　some　drive　anyhow；　towards　the　decent　thing。　It　is　the　same　drive　that　drives　me。　But　I　am　the　most　driven。　It　has　turned　me　round。　It　hasn't　turned　them。　I　go　East　and　they　go　West。　And　they　don't　want　to　be　turned　round。　Tremendously；　they　don't。〃　〃Creative　undertow；〃　said　Dr。　Martineau；　making　notes；　as　it　were。　〃An　increasing　force　in　modern　life。　In　the　psychology　of　a　new　age　strengthened　by　educationit　may　play　a　directive　part。〃　〃They　fight　every　little　point。　But；　you　see；　because　of　this　creative　undertowif　you　like　to　call　it　thatwe　do　get　along。　I　am　leader　or　whipper…in；　it　is　hard　to　say　which；　of　a　bolting　flock。　。　。　。I　believe　they　will　report　for　a　permanent　world　commission；　I　believe　I　have　got　them　up　to　that；　but　they　will　want　to　make　it　a　bureau　of　this　League　of　Nations；　and　I　have　the　profoundest　distrust　of　this　League　of　Nations。　It　may　turn　out　to　be　a　sort　of　side…　tracking　arrangement　for　all　sorts　of　important　world　issues。　And　they　will　find　they　have　to　report　for　some　sort　of　control。　But　there　again　they　will　shy。　They　will　report　for　it　and　then　they　will　do　their　utmost　to　whittle　it　down　again。　They　will　refuse　it　the　most　reasonable　powers。　They　will　alter　the　composition　of　the　Committee　so　as　to　make　it　innocuous。〃　〃How？〃　〃Get　rid　of　the　independent　scientific　men；　load　it　up　so　far　as　Britain　is　concerned　with　muck　of　the　colonial　politician　type　and　tame　labour　representatives；　balance　with　shady　new　adventurer　millionaires；　get　in　still　shadier　stuff　from　abroad；　let　these　gentry　appoint　their　own　tame　experts　after　their　own　hearts；experts　who　will　make　merely　advisory　reports；　which　will　not　be　published。　。　。　。〃　〃They　want　in　fact　to　keep　the　old　system　going　under　the　cloak　of　YOUR　Committee；　reduced　to　a　cloak　and　nothing　more？〃　〃That　is　what　it　amounts　to。　They　want　to　have　the　air　of　doing　rightindeed　they　do　want　to　have　the　FEEL　of　doing　rightand　still　leave　things　just　exactly　what　they　were　before。　And　as　I　suffer　under　the　misfortune　of　seeing　the　thing　rather　more　clearly；　I　have　to　shepherd　the　conscience　of　the　whole　Committee。　。　。　。　But　there　is　a　conscience　there。　If　I　can　hold　out　myself；　I　can　hold　the　Committee。〃　He　turned　appealingly　to　the　doctor。　〃Why　should　I　have　to　be　the　conscience　of　that　damned　Committee？　Why　should　I　do　this　exhausting　inhuman　job？　。　。　。　。　In　their　hearts　these　others　know。　。　。　。　Only　they　won't　know。　。　。　。　Why　should　it　fall　on　me？〃　〃You　have　to　go　through　with　it；〃　said　Dr。　Martineau。　〃I　have　to　go　through　with　it；　but　it's　a　hell　of　utterly　inglorious　squabbling。　They　bait　me。　They　have　been　fighting　the　same　fight　within　themselves　that　they　fight　with　me。　They　know　exactly　where　I　am；　that　I　too　am　doing　my　job　against　internal　friction。　The　one　thing　before　all　others　that　they　want　to　do　is　to　bring　me　down　off　my　moral　high　horse。　And　I　loathe　the　high　horse。　I　am　in　a　position　of　special　moral　superiority　to　men　who　are　on　the　whole　as　good　men　as　I　am　or　better。　That　shows　all　the　time。　You　see　the　sort　of　man　I　am。　I've　a　broad　streak　of　personal　vanity。　I　fag　easily。　I'm　short…tempered。　I've　other　things；　as　you　perceive。　When　I　fag　I　become　obtuse；　I　repeat　and　bore；　I　get　viciously　ill…tempered；　I　suffer　from　an　intolerable　sense　of　ill　usage。　Then　that　ass；　Wagstaffe；　who　ought　to　be　working　with　me　steadily；　sees　his　chance　to　be　pleasantly　witty。　He　gets　a　laugh　round　the　table　at　my　expense。　Young　Dent；　the　more　intelligent　of　the　labour　men；　reads　me　a　lecture　in　committee　manners。　Old　Cassidy　sees　HIS　opening　and　jabs　some　ridiculous　petty　accusation　at　me　and　gets　me　spluttering　self…defence　like　a　fool。　All　my　stock　goes　down；　and　as　my　stock　goes　down　the　chances　of　a　good　report　dwindle。　Young　Dent　grieves　to　see　me　injuring　my　own　case。　Too　damned　a　fool　to　see　what　will　happen　to　the　report！　You　see　if　only　they　can　convince　themselves　I　am　just　a　prig　and　an　egotist　and　an　impractical　bore；　they　escape　from　a　great　deal　more　than　my　poor　propositions。　They　escape　from　the　doubt　in　themselves。　By　dismissing　me　they　dismiss　their　own　consciences。　And　then　they　can　scamper　off　and　be　sensible　little　piggy…wigs　and　not　bother　any　more　about　what　is　to　happen　to　mankind　in　the　long　run。　。　。　。　Do　you　begin　to　realize　the　sort　of　fight；　upside　down　in　a　dustbin；　that　that　Committee　is　for　me？〃　〃You　have　to　go　through　with　it；〃　Dr。　Martineau　repeated。　〃I　have。　If　I　can。　But　I　warn　you　I　have　been　near　breaking　point。　And　if　I　tumble　off　the　high　horse；　if　I　can't　keep　going　regularly　there　to　ride　the　moral　high　horse；　that　Committee　will　slump　into　utter　scoundrelism。　It　will　turn　out　a　long；　inconsistent；　botched；　unreadable　report　that　will　back　up　all　sorts　of　humbugging　bargains　and　sham　settlements。　It　will　contain　some　half…baked　scheme　to　pacify　the　miners　at　the　expense　of　the　general　welfare。　It　won't　even　succeed　in　doing　that。　But　in　the　general　confusion　old　Cassidy　will　get　away　with　a　series　of　hauls　that　may　run　into　millions。　Which　will　last　his　timedamn　him！　And　that　is　where　we　are。　。　。　。　Oh！　I　know！　I　know！　。　。　。　。　I　must　do　this　job。　I　don't　need　any　telling　that　my　life　will　be　nothing　and　mean　nothing　unless　I　bring　this　thing　through。　。　。　。　〃But　the　thanklessness　of　playing　this　lone　hand！〃　The　doctor　watched　his　friend's　resentful　black　silhouette　against　the　lights　on　the　steely　river；　and　said　nothing　for　awhile。　〃Why　did　I　ever　undertake　to　play　it？〃　Sir　Richmond　appealed。　〃Why　has　it　been　put　upon　me？　Seeing　what　a　poor　thing　I　am；　why　am　I　not　a　poor　thing　altogether？〃　Section　8　〃I　think　I　understand　that　loneliness　of　yours；　said　the　doctor　after　an　interval。　〃I　am　INTOLERABLE　to　myself。〃　〃And　I　think　it　explains　why　it　is　that　you　turn　to　women　as　you　do。　You　want　help；　you　want　reassurance。　And　you　feel　they　can　give　it。〃　〃I　wonder　if　it　has　been　quite　like　that；〃　Sir　Richmond　reflected。　By　an　effort　Dr。　Martineau　refrained　from　mentioning　the　mother　complex。　〃You　want　help　and　reassurance　as　a　child　does；〃　he　said。　〃Women　and　women　alone　seem　capable　of　giving　that；　of　telling　you　that　you　are　surely　right；　that　notwithstanding　your　blunders　you　are　right；　that　even　when　you　are　wrong　it　doesn't　so　much　matter；　you　are　still　in　spirit　right。　They　can　show　their　belief　in　you　as　no　man　can。　With　all　their　being　they　can　do　that。〃　〃Yes；　I　suppose　they　could。〃　〃They　can。　You　have　said　already　that　women　are　necessary　to　make　things　real　for　you。〃　〃Not　my　work；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃I　admit　that　it　might　be　like　that；　but　it　isn't　like　that。　It　has　not　worked　out　like　that。　The　two　drives　go　on　side　by　side　in　me。　They　have　no　logical　connexion。　All　I　can　say　is　that　for　me；　with　my　bifid　temperament；　one　makes　a　rest　from　the　other；　and　is　so　far　refreshment　and　a　renewal　of　energy。　But　I　do　not　find　women　coming　into　my　work　in　any　effectual　way。　〃　The　doctor　reflected　further。　〃I　suppose；〃　he　began　and　stopped　short。　He　heard　Sir　Richmond　move　in　his　chair；　creaking　an　interrogation。　〃You　have　never；〃　said　the　doctor；　〃turned　to　the　idea　of　God？〃　Sir　Richmond　grunted　and　made　no　other　answer　for　the　better　part　of　a　minute。　As　Dr。　Martineau　waited　for　his　companion　to　speak；　a　falling　star　streaked　the　deep　blue　above　them。　〃I　can't　believe　in　a　God；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Something　after　the　fashion　of　a　God；〃　said　the　doctor　insidiously。　〃No；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Nothing　that　reassures。〃　〃But　this　loneliness；　this　craving　for　companionship。　。　。　。〃　〃We　have　all　been　through　that；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃We　have　all　in　our　time　lain　very　still　in　the　darkness　with　our　souls　crying　out　for　the　fellowship　of　God；　demanding　some　sign；　some　personal　response。　The　faintest　feeling　of　assurance　would　have　satisfied　us。〃　〃And　there　has　never　been　a　response？〃　〃Have　YOU　ever　had　a　response？〃　〃Once　I　seemed　to　have　a　feeling　of　exaltation　and　security。〃　〃Well？〃　〃Perhaps　I　only　persuaded　myself　that　I　had。　I　had　been　reading　William　James　on　religious　experiences　and　I　was　thinking　very　much　of　Conversion。　I　tried　to　experience　Conversion。　。　。　。〃　〃Yes？　〃　〃It　faded。〃　〃It　always　fades；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　with　anger　in　his　voice。　〃I　wonder　how　many　people　there　are　nowadays　who　have　passed　through　this　last　experience　of　ineffectual　invocation；　this　appeal　to　the　fading　shadow　of　a　vanished　God。　In　the　night。　In　utter　loneliness。　Answer　me！　Speak　to　me！　Does　he　answer？　In　the　silence　you　hear　the　little　blood　vessels　whisper　in　your　ears。　You　see　a　faint　glow　of　colour　on　the　darkness。　。　。　。　〃　Dr。　Martineau　sat　without　a　word。　〃I　can　believe