looking child of the worst couple he could find； and then train him
up successively at the School for Infant Rogues； the Academy for
Young Scamps； and the College for Complete Criminal Education； would
it be reasonable to expect a Francois Xavier or a Henry Martyn to be
the result of such a training？ The traditionists； in whose
presumptuous hands the science of anthropology has been trusted from
time immemorial； have insisted on eliminating cause and effect from
the domain of morals。 When they have come across a moral monster
they have seemed to think that he put himself together； having a free
choice of all the constituents which make up manhood； and that
consequently no punishment could be too bad for him。
I say； hang him and welcome； if that is the best thing for society；
hate him； in a certain sense； as you hate a rattlesnake； but； if you
pretend to be a philosopher； recognize the fact that what you hate in
him is chiefly misfortune； and that if you had been born with his
villanous low forehead and poisoned instincts； and bred among
creatures of the Races Maudites whose natural history has to be
studied like that of beasts of prey and vermin； you would not have
been sitting there in your gold…bowed spectacles and passing judgment
on the peccadilloes of your fellow…creatures。
I have seen men and women so disinterested and noble； and devoted to
the best works； that it appeared to me if any good and faithful
servant was entitled to enter into the joys of his Lord； such as
these might be。 But I do not know that I ever met with a human being
who seemed to me to have a stronger claim on the pitying
consideration and kindness of his Maker than a wretched； puny；
crippled； stunted child that I saw in Newgate； who was pointed out as
one of the most notorious and inveterate little thieves in London。 I
have no doubt that some of those who were looking at this pitiable
morbid secretion of the diseased social organism thought they were
very virtuous for hating him so heartily。
It is natural； and in one sense is all right enough。 I want to catch
a thief and put the extinguisher on an incendiary as much as my
neighbors do； but I have two sides to my consciousness as I have two
sides to my heart； one carrying dark； impure blood； and the other the
bright stream which has been purified and vivified by the great
source of life and death；the oxygen of the air which gives all
things their vital heat； and burns all things at last to ashes。
One side of me loves and hates； the other side of me judges； say
rather pleads and suspends judgment。 I think； if I were left to
myself； I should hang a rogue and then write his apology and
subscribe to a neat monument； commemorating； not his virtues； but his
misfortunes。 I should； perhaps； adorn the marble with emblems； as is
the custom with regard to the more regular and normally constituted
members of society。 It would not be proper to put the image of a
lamb upon the stone which marked the resting…place of him of the
private cemetery。 But I would not hesitate to place the effigy of a
wolf or a hyena upon the monument。 I do not judge these animals； I
only kill them or shut them up。 I presume they stand just as well
with their Maker as lambs and kids； and the existence of such beings
is a perpetual plea for God Almighty's poor； yelling； scalping
Indians； his weasand…stopping Thugs； his despised felons； his
murdering miscreants； and all the unfortunates whom we； picked
individuals of a picked class of a picked race； scrubbed； combed； and
catechized from our cradles upward； undertake to find accommodations
for in another state of being where it is to be hoped they will have
a better chance than they had in this。
The Master paused； and took off his great round spectacles。 I could
not help thinking that he looked benevolent enough to pardon Judas
Iscariot just at that moment； though his features can knot themselves
up pretty； formidably on occasion。
You are somewhat of a phrenologist； I judge； by the way you talk of
instinctive and inherited tendenciesI said。
They tell me I ought to be；he answered； parrying my question； as
I thought。…I have had a famous chart made out of my cerebral
organs； according to which I ought to have beensomething more than
a poor Magister Artaum。
I thought a shade of regret deepened the lines on his broad；
antique…looking forehead； and I began talking about all the sights I
had seen in the way of monstrosities； of which I had a considerable
list； as you will see when I tell you my weakness in that direction。
This； you understand； Beloved； is private and confidential。
I pay my quarter of a dollar and go into all the side…shows that
follow the caravans and circuses round the country。 I have made
friends of all the giants and all the dwarfs。 I became acquainted
with Monsieur Bihin； le plus bel homme du monde； and one of the
biggest； a great many years ago； and have kept up my agreeable
relations with him ever since。 He is a most interesting giant； with
a softness of voice and tenderness of feeling which I find very
engaging。 I was on friendly terms with Mr。 Charles Freeman； a very
superior giant of American birth； seven feet four； I think； in
height； 〃double…jointed；〃 of mylodon muscularity； the same who in a
British prize…ring tossed the Tipton Slasher from one side of the
rope to the other； and now lies stretched； poor fellow！ in a mighty
grave in the same soil which holds the sacred ashes of Cribb； and the
honored dust of Burke；not the one 〃commonly called the sublime；〃
but that other Burke to whom Nature had denied the sense of hearing
lest he should be spoiled by listening to the praises of the admiring
circles which looked on his dear…bought triumphs。 Nor have I
despised those little ones whom that devout worshipper of Nature in
her exceptional forms； the distinguished Barnum； has introduced to
the notice of mankind。 The General touches his chapeau to me； and
the Commodore gives me a sailor's greeting。 I have had confidential
interviews with the double…headed daughter of Africa；so far； at
least； as her twofold personality admitted of private confidences。 I
have listened to the touching experiences of the Bearded Lady； whose
rough cheeks belie her susceptible heart。 Miss Jane Campbell has
allowed me to question her on the delicate subject of avoirdupois
equivalents； and the armless fair one； whose embrace no monarch could
hope to win； has wrought me a watch…paper with those despised digits
which have been degraded from gloves to boots in our evolution from
the condition of quadrumana。
I hope you have read my experiences as good…naturedly as the old
Master listened to them。 He seemed to be pleased with my whim； and
promised to go with me to see all the side…shows of the next caravan。
Before I left him he wrote my name in a copy of the new edition of
his book； telling me that it would not all be new to me by a great
deal； for he often talked what he had printed to make up for having
printed a good deal of what he had talked。
Here is the passage of his Poem the Young Astronomer read to us。
WIND…CLOUDS AND STAR…DRIFTS。
IV
》From my lone turret as I look around
O'er the green meadows to the ring of blue；
》From slope； from summit； and from half…hid vale
The sky is stabbed with dagger…pointed spires；
Their gilded symbols whirling in the wind；
Their brazen tongues proclaiming to the world；
Here truth is sold； the only genuine ware；
See that it has our trade…mark！
You will buy Poison instead of food across the way；
The lies of 〃this or that； each several name
The standard's blazon and the battle…cry
Of some true…gospel faction； and again
The token of the Beast to all beside。
And grouped round each I see a huddling crowd
Alike in all things save the words they use；
In love； in longing； hate and fear the same。
Whom do we trust and serve？ We speak of one
And bow to many； Athens still would find
The shrines of all she worshipped safe within
Our tall barbarian temples； and the thrones
That crowned Olympus mighty as of old。
The god of music rules the Sabbath choir；
The lyric muse must leave the sacred nine
To help us please the dilettante's ear；
Plutus limps homeward with us； as we leave
The portals of the temple where we knelt
And listened while the god of eloquence
（Hermes of ancient days； but now disguised
In sable vestments） with that other god
Somnus； the son of Erebus and Nog；
Fights in unequal contest for our souls；
The dreadful sovereign of the under world
Still shakes his sceptre at us； and we hear
The baying of the triple…throated hound；
Eros…is young as ever； and as fair
The lovely Goddess born of ocean's foam。
These be thy gods； O Israel！ Who is he；
The one ye name and tell us that ye serve；
Whom ye would call me from my lonely tower
To worship with the many…headed throng？
Is it the God that walked in Eden's grove
In the cool hour to seek our guilty sire？
The God who dealt with Abraham as the sons
Of that old patriarch deal with other men？
The jealous God of Moses； one who feels
An image as an insult； and is wroth
With him who made it and his child unborn？
The God who