attempt you put it aside I shall be sorryfor you。
I am afraid that the above looks flippantbut think of the
twitterings of the soul of him who brings in his hand an unbidden
book； written by himself。 To such a one much is due in the way of
indulgence。 Will you remember that？ Have you forgotten early
twitterings of your own？
In a memorandum made on this letter Mark Twain wrote：
Another one of those peculiarly depressing lettersa letter cast in
artificially humorous form； whilst no art could make the subject
humorousto me。
Commenting further； he said：
As I have remarked before about one thousand times the coat of arms
of the human race ought to consist of a man with an ax on his
shoulder proceeding toward a grindstone； or it ought to represent
the several members of the human race holding out the hat to one
another； for we are all beggars； each in his own way。 One beggar is
too proud to beg for pennies； but will beg for an introduction into
society； another does not care for society； but he wants a
postmastership； another will inveigle a lawyer into conversation and
then sponge on him for free advice。 The man who wouldn't do any of
these things will beg for the Presidency。 Each admires his own
dignity and greatly guards it； but in his opinion the others haven't
any。
Mendicancy is a matter of taste and temperament； no doubt； but no
human being is without some form of it。 I know my own form； you
know yours。 Let us conceal them from view and abuse the others。
There is no man so poor but what at intervals some man comes to him
with an ax to grind。 By and by the ax's aspect becomes familiar to
the proprietor of the grindstone。 He perceives that it is the same
old ax。 If you are a governor you know that the stranger wants an
office。 The first time he arrives you are deceived； he pours out
such noble praises of you and your political record that you are
moved to tears； there's a lump in your throat and you are thankful
that you have lived for this happiness。 Then the stranger discloses
his ax； and you are ashamed of yourself and your race。 Six
repetitions will cure you。 After that you interrupt the compliments
and say； 〃Yes； yes； that's all right； never mind about that。 What
is it you want？〃
But you and I are in the business ourselves。 Every now and then we
carry our ax to somebody and ask a whet。 I don't carry mine to
strangersI draw the line there； perhaps that is your way。 This is
bound to set us up on a high and holy pinnacle and make us look down
in cold rebuke on persons who carry their axes to strangers。
I do not know how to answer that stranger's letter。 I wish he had
spared me。 Never mind about himI am thinking about myself。 I
wish he had spared me。 The book has not arrived yet； but no matter；
I am prejudiced against it。
It was a few days later that he added：
I wrote to that man。 I fell back upon the old Overworked； polite
lie； and thanked him for his book and said I was promising myself
the pleasure of reading it。 Of course that set me free； I was not
obliged to read it now at all； and； being free； my prejudice was
gone； and as soon as the book came I opened it to see what it was
like。 I was not able to put it down until I had finished。 It was
an embarrassing thing to have to write to that man and confess that
fact； but I had to do it。 That first letter was merely a lie。 Do
you think I wrote the second one to give that man pleasure？ Well； I
did； but it was second…hand pleasure。 I wrote it first to give
myself comfort； to make myself forget the original lie。
Mark Twain's interest was once aroused by the following：
DEAR SIR；I have had more or less of your works on my shelves for
years； and believe I have practically a complete set now。 This is
nothing unusual； of course； but I presume it will seem to you
unusual for any one to keep books constantly in sight which the
owner regrets ever having read。
Every time my glance rests on the books I do regret having read
them； and do not hesitate to tell you so to your face； and care not
who may know my feelings。 You； who must be kept busy attending to
your correspondence； will probably pay little or no attention to
this small fraction of it； yet my reasons； I believe； are sound and
are probably shared by more people than you are aware of。
Probably you will not read far enough through this to see who has
signed it； but if you do； and care to know why I wish I had left
your work unread； I will tell you as briefly as possible if you will
ask me。
GEORGE B。 LAUDER。
Clemens did not answer the letter； but put it in his pocket； perhaps
intending to do so； and a few days later； in Boston； when a reporter
called； he happened to remember it。 The reporter asked permission to
print the queer document； and it appeared in his Mark Twain interview
next morning。 A few days later the writer of it sent a second letter；
this time explaining：
MY DEAR SIR；I saw in to…day's paper a copy of the letter which I
wrote you October 26th。
I have read and re…read your works until I can almost recall some of
them word for word。 My familiarity with them is a constant source
of pleasure which I would not have missed； and therefore the regret
which I have expressed is more than offset by thankfulness。
Believe me； the regret which I feel for having read your works is
entirely due to the unalterable fact that I can never again have the
pleasure of reading them for the first time。
Your sincere admirer；
GEORGE B。 LADDER。
Mark Twain promptly replied this time：
DEAR SIR； You fooled me completely； I didn't divine what the letter
was concealing； neither did the newspaper men； so you are a very
competent deceiver。
Truly yours；
S。 L。 CLEMENS。
It was about the end of 1907 that the new St。 Louis Harbor boat； was
completed。 The editor of the St。 Louis Republic reported that it has
been christened 〃Mark Twain；〃 and asked for a word of comment。 Clemens
sent this line：
May my namesake follow in my righteous footsteps； then neither of us
will need any fire insurance。
CCLXIII
SOME LITERARY LUNCHEONS
Howells； in his book； refers to the Human Race Luncheon Club； which
Clemens once organized for the particular purpose of damning the species
in concert。 It was to consist； beside Clemens himself； of Howells；
Colonel Harvey； and Peter Dunne； but it somehow never happened that even
this small membership could be assembled while the idea was still fresh；
and therefore potent。
Out of it； however； grew a number of those private social gatherings
which Clemens so dearly lovedsmall luncheons and dinners given at his
own table。 The first of these came along toward the end of 1907； when
Howells was planning to spend the winter in Italy。
〃Howells is going away；〃 he said； 〃and I should like to give him a stag…
party。 We'll enlarge the Human Race Club for the occasion。〃
So Howells； Colonel Harvey； Martin Littleton； Augustus Thomas； Robert
Porter； and Paderewski were invited。 Paderewski was unable to come； and
seven in all assembled。
Howells was first to arrive。
〃Here comes Howells；〃 Clemens said。 〃Old Howells a thousand years old。〃
But Howells didn't look it。 His face was full of good…nature and
apparent health； and he was by no means venerable； either in speech or
action。 Thomas； Porter； Littleton； and Harvey drifted in。 Cocktails
were served and luncheon was announced。
Claude； the butler； had prepared the table with fine artistryits center
a mass of roses。 There was to be no woman in the neighborhoodClemens
announced this fact as a sort of warrant for general freedom of
expression。
Thomas's play； 〃The Witching Hour；〃 was then at the height of its great
acceptance； and the talk naturally began there。 Thomas told something of
the difficulty which he found in being able to convince a manager that it
would succeed； and declared it to be his own favorite work。 I believe
there was no dissenting opinion as to its artistic value； or concerning
its purpose and psychology； though these had been the stumbling…blocks
from a managerial point of view。
When the subject was concluded； and there had come a lull； Colonel
Harvey； who was seated at Clemens's left； said：
〃Uncle Mark〃he often called him that〃Major Leigh handed me a report
of the year's sales just as I was leaving。 It shows your royalty returns
this year to be very close to fifty thousand dollars。 I don't believe
there is another such return from old books on record。〃
This was said in an undertone； to Clemens only； but was overheard by one
or two of tho