you）； A holy man appeared； and said； 〃Oh； ROBERT； I'm ashamed of
you。〃
He laid his hand on ROBERT'S beer Before he could drink up any；
And on the floor； with sigh and tear； He poured the pot of 〃thruppenny。〃
〃Oh； ROBERT； at this very bar A truth you'll be discovering； A good
and evil genius are Around your noddle hovering。
〃They both are here to bid you shun The other one's society； For Total
Abstinence is one； The other； Inebriety。〃
He waved his hand … a vapour came … A wizard POLTER reckoned him；
A bogy rose and called his name； And with his finger beckoned him。
The monster's salient points to sum； … His heavy breath was portery：
His glowing nose suggested rum： His eyes were gin…and…WORtery。
His dress was torn … for dregs of ale And slops of gin had rusted it； His
pimpled face was wan and pale； Where filth had not encrusted it。
〃Come； POLTER；〃 said the fiend； 〃begin； And keep the bowl a…
flowing on … A working man needs pints of gin To keep his clockwork
going on。〃
BOB shuddered： 〃Ah； you've made a miss If you take me for one of
you： You filthy beast； get out of this … BOB POLTER don't wan't none of
you。〃
38
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃In me； as your adviser hints； Of Abstinence you've got a type … Of MR。
TWEEDIE'S pretty prints I am the happy prototype。
〃If you abjure the social toast； And pipes； and such frivolities； You
possibly some day may boast My prepossessing qualities！〃
BOB rubbed his eyes； and made 'em blink： 〃You almost make me
tremble； you！ If I abjure fermented drink； Shall I； indeed； resemble you？
〃And will my whiskers curl so tight？ My cheeks grow smug and
muttony？ My face become so red and white？ My coat so blue and
buttony？
〃Will trousers； such as yours； array Extremities inferior？ Will
chubbiness assert its sway All over my exterior？
〃In this； my unenlightened state； To work in heavy boots I comes； Will
pumps henceforward decorate My tiddle toddle tootsicums？
〃And shall I get so plump and fresh； And look no longer seedily？ My
skin will henceforth fit my flesh So tightly and so TWEEDIE…ly？〃
The phantom said； 〃You'll have all this； You'll know no kind of
huffiness； Your life will be one chubby bliss； One long unruffled
puffiness！〃
〃Be off！〃 said irritated BOB。 〃Why come you here to bother one？ You
pharisaical old snob； You're wuss almost than t'other one！
〃I takes my pipe … I takes my pot； And drunk I'm never seen to be： I'm
no teetotaller or sot； And as I am I mean to be！〃
39
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
E
AGIB。
STRIKE the concertina's melancholy string！ Blow the spirit…stirring
harp like anything！ Let the piano's martial blast Rouse the Echoes of the
Past； For of AGIB； PRINCE OF TARTARY； I sing！
Of AGIB； who； amid Tartaric scenes； Wrote a lot of ballet music in his
teens： His gentle spirit rolls In the melody of souls … Which is pretty； but I
don't know what it means。
Of AGIB； who could readily； at sight； Strum a march upon the loud
Theodolite。 He would diligently play On the Zoetrope all day； And blow
the gay Pantechnicon all night。
One winter … I am shaky in my dates … Came two starving Tartar
minstrels to his gates； Oh； ALLAH be obeyed； How infernally they played！
I remember that they called themselves the 〃O乤
its。〃
Oh！ that day of sorrow； misery； and rage； I shall carry to the
Catacombs of Age； Photographically lined On the tablet of my mind；
When a yesterday has faded from its page！
Alas！ PRINCE AGIB went and asked them in； Gave them beer； and
eggs； and sweets； and scent； and tin。 And when （as snobs would say） They
had 〃put it all away；〃 He requested them to tune up and begin。
Though its icy horror chill you to the core； I will tell you what I never
told before； … The consequences true Of that awful interview； FOR I
LISTENED AT THE KEYHOLE IN THE DOOR！
They played him a sonata … let me see！ 〃MEDULLA OBLONGATA〃 key
of G。 Then they began to sing That extremely lovely thing；
SCHERZANDO！ MA NON TROPPO； PPP。〃
He gave them money； more than they could count； Scent from a most
ingenious little fount； More beer； in little kegs； Many dozen hard…boiled
eggs； And goodies to a fabulous amount。
Now follows the dim horror of my tale； And I feel I'm growing
gradually pale； For； even at this day； Though its sting has passed away；
40
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
The elder of the brothers gave a squeal； All…overish it made me for to
feel； 〃Oh； PRINCE；〃 he says； says he； 〃IF A PRINCE INDEED YOU BE；
I've a mystery I'm going to reveal！
〃Oh； listen； if you'd shun a horrid death； To what the gent who's
speaking to you saith： No 'O乤
its' in truth are we； As you fancy that we be；
For （ter…remble！） I am ALECK … this is BETH！〃
Said AGIB； 〃Oh！ accursed of your kind； I have heard that ye are men
of evil mind！〃 BETH gave a dreadful shriek … But before he'd time to
speak I was mercilessly collared from behind。
In number ten or twelve； or even more； They fastened me full length
upon the floor。 On my face extended flat； I was walloped with a cat For
listening at the keyhole of a door。
Oh！ the horror of that agonizing thrill！ （I can feel the place in frosty
weather still）。 For a week from ten to four I was fastened to the floor；
While a mercenary wopped me with a will
They branded me and broke me on a wheel； And they left me in an
hospital to heal； And； upon my solemn word； I have never never heard
What those Tartars had determined to reveal。
But that day of sorrow； misery； and rage； I shall carry to the Catacombs
of Age； Photographically lined On the tablet of my mind； When a
yesterday has faded from its page
41
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
S
ABERDEEN。
MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN Was the
son of an elderly labouring man； You've guessed him a Scotchman； shrewd
reader； at sight； And p'r'aps altogether； shrewd reader； you're right。
From the bonnie blue Forth to the lovely Deeside； Round by Dingwall
and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde； There wasn't a child or a woman or
man Who could pipe with CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN。
No other could wake such detestable groans； With reed and with
chaunter … with bag and with drones： All day and ill night he delighted the
chiels With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels。
He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground； And the
neighbouring maidens would gather around To list to the pipes and to gaze
in his een； Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
All loved their McCLAN； save a Sassenach brute； Who came to the
Highlands to fish and to shoot； He dressed himself up in a Highlander way；
Tho' his name it was PATTISON CORBY TORBAY。
TORBAY had incurred a good deal of expense To make him a
Scotchman in every sense； But this is a matter； you'll readily own； That
isn't a question of tailors alone。
A Sassenach chief may be bonily built； He may purchase a sporran； a
bonnet； and kilt； Stick a ske刵
in his hose … wear an acre of stripes … But
he cannot assume an affection for pipes。
CLONGLOCKETY'S pipings all night and all day Quite frenzied poor
PATTISON CORBY TORBAY； The girls were amused at his singular
spleen； Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN；
〃MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS； my lad； With
pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad。 If you really must play on that
cursed affair； My goodness！ play something resembling an air。〃
Boiled over the blood of MACPHAIRSON McCLAN … The Clan of
Clonglocketty rose as one man； For all were enraged at the insult； I ween
42
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃Let's show；〃 said McCLAN； 〃to this Sassenach loon That the
bagpipes CAN play him a regular tune。 Let's see；〃 said McCLAN； as he
thoughtfully sat； 〃'IN MY COTTAGE' is easy … I'll practise at that。〃
He blew at his 〃Cottage；〃 and blew with a will； For a year； seven
months； and a fortnight； until （You'll hardly believe it） McCLAN； I declare；
Elicited something resembling an air。
It was wild … it was fitful … as wild as the breeze … It wandered about
into several keys； It was jerky； spasmodic； and harsh； I'm aware； But still it
distinctly suggested an air。
The Sassenach screamed； and the Sassenach danced； He shrieked in
his agony … bellowed and pranced； And the maidens who gathered rejoiced
at the scene … Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
〃Hech gather； hech gather； hech gather around； And fill a' ye lugs wi'
the exquisite sound。 An air fra' the bagpipes … beat that if ye can！ Hurrah
for CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN！〃
The fame of his piping spread over the land： Respectable widows
proposed for his hand； And maidens came flocking to sit on the green Especially
ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
One morning the fidgety Sass