confessions of an english opium-eater- 第7部分

In　so　mighty　a　world　as　London　it　will　surprise　my　readers　that　I　should　not　have　found　some　means　of　starving　off　the　last　extremities；　of　penury；　and　it　will　strike　them　that　two　resources　at　least　must　have　been　open　to　meviz。；　either　to　seek　assistance　from　the　friends　of　my　family；　or　to　turn　my　youthful　talents　and　attainments　into　some　channel　of　pecuniary　emolument。　　As　to　the　first　course；　I　may　observe　generally；　that　what　I　dreaded　beyond　all　other　evils　was　the　chance　of　being　reclaimed　by　my　guardians；　not　doubting　that　whatever　power　the　law　gave　them　would　have　been　enforced　against　me　to　the　utmostthat　is；　to　the　extremity　of　forcibly　restoring　me　to　the　school　which　I　had　quitted；　a　restoration　which；　as　it　would　in　my　eyes　have　been　a　dishonour；　even　if　submitted　to　voluntarily；　could　not　fail；　when　extorted　from　me　in　contempt　and　defiance　of　my　own　wishes　and　efforts；　to　have　been　a　humiliation　worse　to　me　than　death；　and　which　would　indeed　have　terminated　in　death。　　I　was　therefore　shy　enough　of　applying　for　assistance　even　in　those　quarters　where　I　was　sure　of　receiving　it；　at　the　risk　of　furnishing　my　guardians　with　any　clue　of　recovering　me。　　But　as　to　London　in　particular；　though　doubtless　my　father　had　in　his　lifetime　had　many　friends　there；　yet　（as　ten　years　had　passed　since　his　death）　I　remembered　few　of　them　even　by　name；　and　never　having　seen　London　before；　except　once　for　a　few　hours；　I　knew　not　the　address　of　even　those　few。　　To　this　mode　of　gaining　help；　therefore；　in　part　the　difficulty；　but　much　more　the　paramount　fear　which　I　have　mentioned；　habitually　indisposed　me。　　In　regard　to　the　other　mode；　I　now　feel　half　inclined　to　join　my　reader　in　wondering　that　I　should　have　overlooked　it。　　As　a　corrector　of　Greek　proofs　（if　in　no　other　way）　I　might　doubtless　have　gained　enough　for　my　slender　wants。　　Such　an　office　as　this　I　could　have　discharged　with　an　exemplary　and　punctual　accuracy　that　would　soon　have　gained　me　the　confidence　of　my　employers。　　But　it　must　not　be　forgotten　that；　even　for　such　an　office　as　this；　it　was　necessary　that　I　should　first　of　all　have　an　introduction　to　some　respectable　publisher；　and　this　I　had　no　means　of　obtaining。　　To　say　the　truth；　however；　it　had　never　once　occurred　to　me　to　think　of　literary　labours　as　a　source　of　profit。　　No　mode　sufficiently　speedy　of　obtaining　money　had　ever　occurred　to　me　but　that　of　borrowing　it　on　the　strength　of　my　future　claims　and　expectations。　　This　mode　I　sought　by　every　avenue　to　compass；　and　amongst　other　persons　I　applied　to　a　Jew　named　D…　｛4｝

To　this　Jew；　and　to　other　advertising　money…lenders　（some　of　whom　were；　I　believe；　also　Jews）；　I　had　introduced　myself　with　an　account　of　my　expectations；　which　account；　on　examining　my　father's　will　at　Doctors'　Commons；　they　had　ascertained　to　be　correct。　　The　person　there　mentioned　as　the　second　son　ofwas　found　to　have　all　the　claims　（or　more　than　all）　that　I　had　stated；　but　one　question　still　remained；　which　the　faces　of　the　Jews　pretty　significantly　suggestedwas　I　that　person？　　This　doubt　had　never　occurred　to　me　as　a　possible　one；　I　had　rather　feared；　whenever　my　Jewish　friends　scrutinised　me　keenly；　that　I　might　be　too　well　known　to　be　that　person；　and　that　some　scheme　might　be　passing　in　their　minds　for　entrapping　me　and　selling　me　to　my　guardians。　　It　was　strange　to　me　to　find　my　own　self　materialiter　considered　（so　I　expressed　it；　for　I　doated　on　logical　accuracy　of　distinctions）；　accused；　or　at　least　suspected；　of　counterfeiting　my　own　self　formaliter　considered。　However；　to　satisfy　their　scruples；　I　took　the　only　course　in　my　power。　　Whilst　I　was　in　Wales　I　had　received　various　letters　from　young　friends　these　I　produced；　for　I　carried　them　constantly　in　my　pocket；　being；　indeed；　by　this　time　almost　the　only　relics　of　my　personal　encumbrances　（excepting　the　clothes　I　wore）　which　I　had　not　in　one　way　or　other　disposed　of。　　Most　of　these　letters　were　from　the　Earl　of　…；　who　was　at　that　time　my　chief　（or　rather　only）　confidential　friend。　　These　letters　were　dated　from　Eton。　　I　had　also　some　from　the　Marquis　of　…；　his　father；　who；　though　absorbed　in　agricultural　pursuits；　yet　having　been　an　Etonian　himself；　and　as　good　a　scholar　as　a　nobleman　needs　to　be；　still　retained　an　affection　for　classical　studies　and　for　youthful　scholars。　　He　had　accordingly；　from　the　time　that　I　was　fifteen；　corresponded　with　me；　sometimes　upon　the　great　improvements　which　he　had　made　or　was　meditating　in　the　counties　of　M…　and　Sl…　since　I　had　been　there；　sometimes　upon　the　merits　of　a　Latin　poet；　and　at　other　times　suggesting　subjects　to　me　on　which　he　wished　me　to　write　verses。

On　reading　the　letters；　one　of　my　Jewish　friends　agreed　to　furnish　me　with　two　or　three　hundred　pounds　on　my　personal　security；　provided　I　could　persuade　the　young　Earlwho　was；　by　the　way；　not　older　than　myselfto　guarantee　the　payment　on　our　coming　of　age；　the　Jew's　final　object　being；　as　I　now　suppose；　not　the　trifling　profit　he　could　expect　to　make　by　me；　but　the　prospect　of　establishing　a　connection　with　my　noble　friend；　whose　immense　expectations　were　well　known　to　him。　　In　pursuance　of　this　proposal　on　the　part　of　the　Jew；　about　eight　or　nine　days　after　I　had　received　the　10　pounds；　I　prepared　to　go　down　to　Eton。　　Nearly　3　pounds　of　the　money　I　had　given　to　my　money…lending　friend；　on　his　alleging　that　the　stamps　must　be　bought；　in　order　that　the　writings　might　be　preparing　whilst　I　was　away　from　London。　　I　thought　in　my　heart　that　he　was　lying；　but　I　did　not　wish　to　give　him　any　excuse　for　charging　his　own　delays　upon　me。　　A　smaller　sum　I　had　given　to　my　friend　the　attorney　（who　was　connected　with　the　money…lenders　as　their　lawyer）；　to　which；　indeed；　he　was　entitled　for　his　unfurnished　lodgings。　　About　fifteen　shillings　I　had　employed　in　re…establishing　（though　in　a　very　humble　way）　my　dress。　　Of　the　remainder　I　gave　one　quarter　to　Ann；　meaning　on　my　return　to　have　divided　with　her　whatever　might　remain。　　These　arrangements　made；　soon　after　six　o'clock　on　a　dark　winter　evening　I　set　off；　accompanied　by　Ann；　towards　Piccadilly；　for　it　was　my　intention　to　go　down　as　far　as　Salthill　on　the　Bath　or　Bristol　mail。　　Our　course　lay　through　a　part　of　the　town　which　has　now　all　disappeared；　so　that　I　can　no　longer　retrace　its　ancient　boundariesSwallow　Street；　I　think　it　was　called。　　Having　time　enough　before　us；　however；　we　bore　away　to　the　left　until　we　came　into　Golden　Square；　there；　near　the　corner　of　Sherrard　Street；　we　sat　down；　not　wishing　to　part　in　the　tumult　and　blaze　of　Piccadilly。　　I　had　told　her　of　my　plans　some　time　before；　and　I　now　assured　her　again　that　she　should　share　in　my　good　fortune；　if　I　met　with　any；　and　that　I　would　never　forsake　her　as　soon　as　I　had　power　to　protect　her。　　This　I　fully　intended；　as　much　from　inclination　as　from　a　sense　of　duty；　for　setting　aside　gratitude；　which　in　any　case　must　have　made　me　her　debtor　for　life；　I　loved　her　as　affectionately　as　if　she　had　been　my　sister；　and　at　this　moment　with　sevenfold　tenderness；　from　pity　at　witnessing　her　extreme　dejection。　　I　had　apparently　most　reason　for　dejection；　because　I　was　leaving　the　saviour　of　my　life；　yet　I；　considering　the　shock　my　health　had　received；　was　cheerful　and　full　of　hope。　　She；　on　the　contrary；　who　was　parting　with　one　who　had　had　little　means　of　serving　her；　except　by　kindness　and　brotherly　treatment；　was　overcome　by　sorrow；　so　that；　when　I　kissed　her　at　our　final　farewell；　she　put　her　arms　about　my　neck　and　wept　without　speaking　a　word。　　I　hoped　to　return　in　a　week　at　farthest；　and　I　agreed　with　her　that　on　the　fifth　night　from　that；　and　every　night　afterwards；　she　would　wait　for　me　at　six　o'clock　near　the　bottom　of　Great　Titchfield　Street；　which　had　been　our　customary　haven；　as　it　were；　of　rendezvous；　to　prevent　our　missing　each　other　in　the　great　Mediterranean　of　Oxford　Street。　　This　and　other　measures　of　precaution　I　took；　one　only　I　forgot。　　She　had　either　never　told　me；　or　（as　a　matter　of　no　great　interest）　I　had　forgotten　her　surname。　It　is　a　general　practice；　indeed；　with　girls　of　humble　rank　in　her　unhappy　condition；　not　（as　novel…reading　women　of　higher　pretensions）　to　style　themselves　Miss　Douglas；　Miss　Montague；　&c。；　but　simply　by　their　Christian　namesMary；　Jane；　Frances；　&c。　　Her　surname；　as　the　surest　means　of　tracing　her　hereafter；　I　ought　now　to　have　inquired；　but　the　truth　is；　having　no　reason　to　think　that　our　meeting　could；　in　consequence　of　a　short　interruption；　be　more　difficult　or　uncertain　than　it　had　been　for　so　many　weeks；　I　had　scarcely　for　a　moment　adverted　to　it　as　necessary；　or　placed　it　amongst　my　memoranda　against　this　parting　interview；　and　my　final　anxieties　being　spent　in　comforting　her　with　hopes；　and　in　pressing　upon　her　the　necessity　of　getting　some　medicines　for　a　violent　cough　and　hoarseness　with　which　she　was　troubled；　I　wholly　forgot　it　until　it　was　too　late　to　recall　her。

It　was　past　eight　o'clock　when　I　reached　the　Gloucester　Coffee…　house；　and　the　Bristol　mail　being　on　the　point　of　going　off；　I　mounted　on　the　outside。　　The　fine　fluent　motion　｛5｝　of　this　mail　soon　laid　me　asleep：　　it　is　somewhat　remarkable　that　the　first　easy　or　refreshing　sleep　which　I　had　enjoyed　for　some　months；　was　on　th